Help!!!! His ex is driving me INSANE!!!!
Well i stumbled upon this site by accident, but glad i did! Im hoping to get some advice as i see that alot of you have similar issues. I met my bf about a year ago and found out that he has 6 yes 6 kids. Three are to his highschool gf ages 12,10,7 the other 2 are to his ex wife and she made it too difficult for him to see them and the youngest will be 3 and he and her mom broke up a few months before we met and had been together about 5yrs. His 10 and 7 yr old stay with us for the summer they arent too bad but have a hard time adjusting to us being a couple. Their mother is a worthless *&*(^&! SO its like taming wolves when they come here. However his youngest who is almost 3 is the biggest problem. Her mother is a nut case! she and whatever bf she has at the time drive by our house send my bf nasty texts and she constantly refuses to let him see his kid. She always talks crap on me to him and he never defends me or anything, he says its just fueling the fire so they will fight and he will not see his kid for a month then she calls beggin him to take her. so its a roller coaster for all involved. God forbid i say what i feel about her becuz all that happens is he defends her and tells me to mind my own business. Now keep in mind she cheated on him sooo many times its sick and he knows about it and when she got preg she had anther bf on the side and honestly i dont think its his kid. she looks NOTHING like the other 5 and they all look just like him. She has no features at all of his or the other kids and he refused to have a dna test done. his whole family doesnt think its his kid either. He gets upset that i wont get "involved" with his youngest and the reason i wont is because there is so much drama in that situation and you never know when you will see her again. not to mention that he is very inconsistent with discapline with her because in his words "shes only 3 and doesnt live here"! I learned the hard way with that and my daughter who is 12. I just feel like we will never be at peace in our relationship becuz we fight about his ex all the time. He says im just controlling and need to leave it alone but thats not the case. I feel invaded i guess. I asked him if he still loved her he said no but he still cared for her and had to be nice to her cuz of the kid. i just dont see it that way. that and he goes back to his parents almost every weekend and i dont like to go because i feel out of place there. his mom doesnt really like me cuz i dont baby his kids. I could go on forever about the bs here i guess i just need to know am i in the wrong here? I feel like he should be alilttle more abrasive with her after all the crap she pulled on him and they shouldnt fight becuz its always about past stuff. We live in a 2brm apt with 3 girls as it is mine full time and his 2 over the summer and holidays and then his youngest. we are trying to find a bigger place but its soo expensive. He says im just trying to purposley distance my self from his kid and his parents. which isnt true i just want distance from his insane ex. we have a great relationship til she starts pullin her crap and then he treats me differently. i wish he would get transferred far away so i dont have to deal with her. Its so hard. I feel immature at times about it and try so hard to keep my opinion to my self but that never lasts long. I know he loves me and i love him i just wish he would respect my boundaries with things. the turmoil has been non stop since i met him. SHe is so jealous of me and has admitted it to him several times. Its like she doesnt want him but doesnt want anyone else to either. i am pretty sure she is bipolar. i guess it would help to know wether or not it really is his kid. so whenever he has her i leave or hide in the bedroom. i get an instant headache. there is so much more to the story but...im just hoping someone on here can help. thanks
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Been there...
Done ALL that. I know the exact position you are in and how you are feeling. Granted it wasn't with that many kids..it was just one..but that sure doesn't/didn't make it easier to deal with the ex. My DH use to be the same way when we first got together, but he finally saw the light. He listens to my input about the EX now and we avoid her calls as much as possible, unless we need information for something. All I can say is it might get better, or it might not. There seems a lot more drama than what I deal with. What you need to ask yourself, is it good for your child to be around? You need to think or yourself and your child first before you take the relationship any further. I know he says he loves you, but if he really did wouldn't he want your thoughts and helpful suggests and care about how you feel about everything? Just take it day by day...if it doesn't get better, you need to do what is right for YOUR child...and you.
thanks
Well the good part is that my daughter doesnt really have to see any of the crap his ex does. She as are his other 2 pretty sheilded from it and we never argue infront of them. But with that being said...after the smoke clears he usually will listen to me and apologize or whatever and avoid her but then its like a cycle. I guess im trying to stay positive and hopeful about our relationship because it is so new. We have gone thru a lot of stuff in our short time together( i had brain surgery in march, sold my home in early july, his court stuff with the youngest, drama with his family, problems with my mother etc) so im honestly surprised we still are together. I will admit i am having a hard time adjusting to all the kids. i was basically an only child my sis was older and i only had one child as i lost 3 ( 2miscarriages and one 2nd tri loss) and i want a baby eventually. and it doesnt help that the 3yro comes here usually dirty and snotty nose, she is always coughing, i really think she has either hearing problems or learning dis. She is really behind on things being almost 3. Its hard to even get him to talk about stuff tho hes in law enforcement and unfortunately lives the part at home too. I go to counseling and have for almost 2 yrs and it really helps but its nice to hear stuff from others who have been there.
My SD...
also came to us dirty and sick all the time when she was younger. I also had the same exact thoughts you are having about my SD at the age. Then again, I still do. My SD now 6 doesn't listen to anything I ever have to say. We only have her in the summers now and she lives with her BM in NC. She's been here all summer and I can't say that her listening skills have improved at all. She's mean to my son (he's 3) as I actually just posted about earlier. It is a very difficult transition and the EX's never seem to make it easier. Our situation only became easier when the EX got married and had another child. Since then, they have divorced already and she's back to her old ways. DH and I try not to argue in front of either SD (cause she'll run and tell) or our son, but sometimes it does slip. I'm glad for your daughter that she doesn't have to see it. As I mentioned before, things did get easier for us, and I can only hope they will for you too. Just remember you aren't a failure if you do decide to back out...you and your daughter only deserve the best and that his kids are not technically your responsibility. (besides the hygiene, food, and shelter) I gave up trying to be a step mother, because SD's family nor DH took my advice. I told DH I was done, and he accepted that and rarely asks for help with situations about the EX. Good luck. I'll keep reading if you have more problems too...
Why the ex ...
isnt it funny how the ex changes when they have a man. his ex is fine til she gets a man then she goes nuts on him. I have basically given up on having a relationship with the 3yro. because of the mother and all the drama. He has gotten better about punishments n stuff but like i said no consistency so it doesnt matter. i guess u could say i gave up too. There is no point in waisting my energy on the situation. I dont get why these guys are like this. I guess im thankful he doesnt speak to the other kids mom its all thru the court. good thing is we are young and he cant wait for them to be 18 either lol cuz then he doesnt have to deal with the moms. i just wish i could convince him to get the dna test. but stubborn male pride is in the way. I appreciate all yer advice and just letting me know im not alone. Its trying but i just keep thinkin my child is no walk in the park either but she does listen to him. im also hoping once we move to a bigger place then it will be both of ours not just his and it will even out the field alittle. not sure but guess i will see. thanks again good luck to you too with yer SD too. Its hard having them all summer tho.. too much time then you just get em acting normal and gotta send em back ..
It never ends
My mom and dad had 6 kids and my 1st step mom was only 19 when she became "mom"....that marriage ended in divorce! My BM was a nut job as well...she cheated and cheated and cheated until my dad had enough and left her but the drama continued into not only that marriage but into his 2nd. Okay I don't want to scare you but im now 31 with children and step children of my own and guess what the drama isn't over for 2nd step mom 1st step mom passed away and I truly believe that's the only way she escaped the drama (she had 2 kids with my dad). The fights are no longer about us kids....it's the grandkids now. So your theory that the drama ends when they turn 18 just isn't true. I have two skids, their BM is complete nut job and I will admit there are times I wish I took my own advice and walked away early but I thought since my ex and I were able to move on and get along for the sake of our son, that there was hope for DH and his ex...no such luck. The baby is only 3 so if you are going to stick around for the long haul be prepared for a long hard trip.
Remember you only get one shot at life....how do you want to spend it?
Good Luck
i see yer point
and i have thought sooo much about this and i just keep coming back to the same conclusion... that i love him beyond belief love him. and to tell you the truth alot of my issues also are with my daughter. She is 12 and for some reason we just cant be in the same house together. My anxiety goes into over drive around her and im constantly on edge. The main reason is im worried about things she will say to my BF or his kids and things are usually very calm and quiet here. But as soon as she got here all hell broke loose. She is a slob to boot and i have tried for years to fix that and it doesnt work. She makes accusations about him and his kids that are just crazy and she says she cant stand them and i have explained to her that she is used to being the only child and will have to learn to adjust. and she doesnt have to like anyone but she has to respect ya know. So im all hyper and upset cuz of her and then it amplifies every thing else here. But anyways, i really do just sit and think how nice it would be if his ex would just move far away but shes too close to her family to do that. Now i found out my BF has taken a 3rd job becz i cant find one and he will be workin 3 police jobs and never be home. I am struggling because i want to find a job and have tried but im either over or under qualified and now with my kid here that limits my availibility bcuz she cant stay home alone in our state for 2 more years and a sitter is about 10$ and hour and also i couldnt trust her here alone. She is a binge eater and is like a tornado of mess when shes not supervised. So things are just a mess all over. i keep tryin to be positive but its so hard and things didnt seem this bad when she wasnt here. my BF and i rarely argue but my kid comes and bam we fight all the time about dumb stuff. so im just so confused....