Ok i have been on here alot since i found the site and i have commented etc tryin to offer advice and have gotten advice as well(thanks) (u can read my prev blog for bio of fam situation)

Summer is almost over and in 3 wks SDs will be going home to BM. As much as they have been a huge pain...i almost dont want them to go. With my daughter here now, they all actually behave better together and the situation we are sending them back to is horrible. Their mom has called once all summer to ask about them. She could care less about them. Its a shared parenting situation but BD had them full time up until a year ago when he split with his ex the 3yro mom. So all summer i have endured hearing about the ex and how she did things this way and they went here with her and did this with her and hey dad member when you and the ex and all of us did this ... blah blah. yes im rambling here but i have a point. So last nite bf and i have been arguing lately about the 3yro mom. becuz she is crazy and keeps doin stupid stuff and he keeps bending to accomodate her. So we are arguing. Well he worked yesterday and i had the kids sd7 and10 and my BD12. We had a good day played life and then monopoly etc and i stood up to move on my turn and my shirt went up a lil bit and i have a tat on my abdomen of BDs initials and 2 nautical stars ( i have lots of tats) anyways SD7 says "hey is that my daddys name" and i said yes and sd10 says "when did u get that" and i said "in march before my surgery"(i had brain surgery) and then sd10 says "well when did you meet my dad" and i said "in novemeber of last yr.08 why?" and she says "wait a min. so my daddy cheated on 3yro sd mom with you??? and i was floored!!!! I said " um no i dont think so, and i tried to tread lightly as to not confuse or hurt them. So i tried to explain to them the situation and here is what i was told by BD. they had broke up in april but stayed in the house cuz of expensive lease til oct then he got the apt we live in and she got her place. and the sds said well she was here for xmas and new years and at this point i wanted to kick his lilly a**!!!!!!!! i knew he took kids to her house for xmas to see the 3yro but didnt know the rest and at that time he started being very distant and we didnt talk til mid jan. i knew something was up but he wouldnt say. so when he got home from work yesterday i said "WE NEED TO TALK NOW!!!" So we went outside i told him the story of what happened with the SDs and he said well you didnt have to tell them anything cuz i dont think its their business....i was floored. I said "well i think it is their business SD7 thought i was their freakin nanny til about 3 wks ago! So in my mind im thinkin no wonder these kids are all weird with me. They have no clue what is goin on and neither do i. So all this leads to him telling me that he realizes that 3yro mom cheated on him 3 times and did all the horrible stuff but he just wasnt over her and still thinks that even when i came here and he had me move in (give up my home, my pets, my whole freaking world) that he wasnt over her and that he doesnt love her but he still hasnt fully let go of the past and how can he when they have a child together blah blah. so her i am now feeling like i am just in the way and that he regrets me now and that all this time has been a big fat lie. not to mention there is a nite still in question from back in may that he was supposedly working and he wasnt and i found a walmart receipt from out by exs house. he tried to explain it away to no avail and it started a huge war and in my experience if they get all angry and defensive then it means they are guilty and on my bday he had SD3 and took her home at 7 and didnt come back til 1030 cuz he was there chit chatting with ex and fam. i was so pissed still am. so i explained to him how i felt and why i was having a hard time and how sad it makes me and instead of sayin something like well ya i rushed in but im glad i did and your here now and i wouldnt change that no the dumba** says " well it is what it is i guess yer here now and your just gonna have to ride it out til this all passes. it just takes time". i was so floored. so as i tried to get him to see my point etc the more defensive he got pissy and says" i dont still love ex im never gonna be with her again so you can get that out of yer head." So here i am today writing this he calls and says" im sorry about last nite" i said um ya and and that was it he asked me to pick Sds up at daycare cuz he has to work a road job(hes a cop and hes doin construction detail for extra money) so i said ok and that was really it. so my dilemmas are piling. I feel like im only half here and only half wanted here. i feel like the kids were just dumped on me. and his 3yro wont even acknowledge me ever when she is around and he says its my fault cuz i dont interact with her enuff. well im sorry shes here once and we dont see her for a month how the hell am i supposed to? then the sds drive me nuts but i feel so bad for the home life they have with BM, plus BD has disney land dad syndrome with them only when i have an issue. if he has the same issue then its ok but if i do then i get the "their only kids" reply. I feel like im drowning. i love him to death but i am miserable. and now i sold my home have hardley any savings and a year of school left. i go to counseling but she doesnt get it. and now my daughter is here and it changes everything too. I dont want to leave him i just was wondering i guess if there is a better way to got about getting my feelings across and getting his true feelings out of him. Every single time he has a fight or issue with her he pulls away from me and treats me like crap. He tells me that all the reassurance i need is the fact that he comes home every nite to me and goes to bed with me. um ok and that is reassurance???? and we are having money issues too. he wants us to split every thing 50/50 and i have no prob with that exept that he has more $$ than me. let me explain... He works 2 jobs and has 6 kids. pays support for 4 and not the 2 sds we have all summer cuz of joint custody. so we have the usual cable rent gas elec and water bills here. he has car pmt and ins and cell too. now heres my deal...i have not been able to work due to a brain herniation and just had surgery on it 3/31. so i have alimony, child support, and ssi right now that i get. i have insurance,cell,student loan,and another large bill i pay every month. not to mention i have to get BD school stuff and i am in school and need stuff plus i drive 86 miles one way to school so thats 172 miles 2x a week because its the closest school to get a degree in what im doing, and i buy all the food here all the laundry bath kitchen etc all house hold stuff hell i even buy his clothes. so i dont feel that under the circumstances i should have to split all the bills 50/50 with him. it will leave me sooo short on money. not to mention i already shop at thrift stores for my clothes because i keep losing so much weight its pointless to spend more.(i was 248 a year ago and after my surgery it all fell off and now i am 155 i lose like 3-4 lbs a week and no dr. knows why.) im tryn to hold where im at but its not working. so now on top of all this he wants me to get a job too. and i said if i could find a dayshift full time i would but i have applied 30places and nothing. becuz i cant do nites as my BD would need a sitter. and they are so expensive here. so after all this rambling and now that my entire life story is basically on the screen, can anyone help me sort all this out???? im really struggling here.....hoping maybe someone can see things clearer than i can and maybe have a good approach to how to handle this and get past the "man defenses and see things a different way????