8 year old...concerning private parts...
Quick background: SS 8 yrs old lives w/ GP's. DH visits SS on weekends at the GP's house. SS comes to our house one weekend a month. I take my 6 month DD with me. In short, i dont see SS anymore unless its for a gathering.
Since i first met SS 3 years ago, i always had a strong gut feeling something was off. I have thought through the years, part is becuz of the lack of discipline on GP part. We are privliged to breath HIS air. You know the type.
So this weekend SS 8, tells his boy cousin who is 4 to put his mouth on SS privates!! I heard this and told DH i am concerned about DD. I fear for her safety. I said i will NEVER let DD be alone at all, under any circumstances with SS? Not even for a second.
Now let me say also, that last year we tried to have SS live with us. DISASTER! one thing that happened, was he was being mean to the babies at the daycare. I said waay back then, something inside is screaming for me not to trust this kid.
Oh, i forgot the bathroom incident. This summer SS had the same cousin go into the bathroom with him, while he used it.
Question: are my fears justified? Should i be leary of this boy? I fear for my baby being alone with this boy, EVER!
Good news: she wont ever be alone with him. But i would rather over react then under react ( like dh and gp do)
DITTO!!!!!!!!!!!
DITTO!!!!!!!!!!!
AMEN!
AMEN!
I can say 1000 percent with
I can say 1000 percent with absolute certainty nothing sexual has happened to this boy. He literally go no where. No friends, no day care, no babysitter. School and home. The occasional visit to aunt n uncle. Yes i agree he has learned this behavior some where, but i know it is not from direct touch and certainly not through interaction between GP. i have never even seen them hug each other. Ha
I would try to intercede but i am the outed SM? the evil seed. The GP and DH are so jaded they would do nothing but say that it is the 4 year olds fault. They literally have the mentality that everyone is "against" their boy. (SS)
As for DH his answer is always the same, either it mirror's the GP or "i dont know what to do."
Cop out answers i know. But i feel secretly he likes not havin to be responsible for this kid. Kind of like, "hey he did such n such this weekend. Uh, oh well. He goes back home on sunday"
What's sad is that this boy
What's sad is that this boy could greatly benefit from something as simple as a chat about his behavior from someone he considers an authority figure (GP or DH) as to where he learned such behavior and that it is not appropriate. Too bad it seems no one wants to step up and have that difficult conversation.
Agreed! But then again, a
Agreed! But then again, a discussion is admission to an issue. And to gp and dh, there isnt one.
how about you ask him 'where
how about you ask him 'where did you learn that'
Take him to a therapist.
Take him to a therapist. There is no reason not to, and one VERY GOOD REASON to do so.
Also, no one except SS can say for sure whether or not anything sexual has happened to him. Adults who have never been there or who have forgotten what it was like forget how easy and how fast something sexual can happen to an unsuspecting child. I am not accusing anyone in this situation, but I am telling you that you cannot be sure until SS can talk about it and tell the truth about where he got that idea.
I have not been posting a
I have not been posting a while but this really caught my attention. Please please please make sure he is not being abused. Children often do not tell adults when they are. My Ss never showed such sexual behavior though. He was completely the opposite. He got very shy of his body. Even to this day he is very ashamed of his body. The therapist has said it will be very difficult for my Ss to have a healthy sexual relationship because of his body issues. It breaks my heart. We had no idea he was being abused and by the time it was stopped, the damage was done. You say you are certain he is not being abused. Predators come in many forms. It could even be someone from his family. You have to act fast.
While i totally get what you
While i totally get what you are saying, i bet my own LIFE ss is not, has not, been abused. He literally, without exaggeration is only around gp, dh, school, and occasionally aunt n uncle. I do know for certainty that none of these family members have done harm. School? I guess anything is possible, but i will say that is unlikely.
I'm curious how you know
I'm curious how you know "100%" and "for certain" that you know he hasn't been abused. I was abused as a child, and no one would have every suspected a thing. My mother never knew, and when I finally told her as an adult, she still didn't believe me. Are you in the room EVERY single second that he's with GP, DH or Aunt and Uncle?
I guess the same as you know
I guess the same as you know your children havent been touched by their gp, dh, aunt n uncle.
Typically children of abuse display other "signs" as well, even if they dont tell a parent.
And asking another child to
And asking another child to put his mouth on his privates isn't a big enough sign for you?
And I DON'T know 100% that my child hasn't been touched inappropriately by someone. There is no way for me to know that.
She only ever sees him at
She only ever sees him at "gatherings" but she knows for certain he's not abused? Clearly too blind to see the obvious.
I'm glad the OP is very concerned about her DD, as she should be. However, it breaks my heart that she is seeing the SS as a monster, instead of as a victim and getting him the help he needs.
P.s. I NEVER showed any of
P.s. I NEVER showed any of the typical signs, just fyi.
I didnt say typical signs,
I didnt say typical signs, just typically children show other signs.
So my understanding then is that you proceeded normally as life was normal after said abuse? Absolutely nothing? No problems? No changes?
Then i am amazed.
On the other note children can display unappropriate behavior and it does not mean every single time every single case the child was abused. Learned, seen from some where yes. Abuse not necessarily.
Yes, I proceeded normally,
Yes, I proceeded normally, feel free to be amazed!
You are correct, that it's doesn't "necessarily" mean they abused, but statistics show that it is highly likely. What I take offense to, is the the fact that you hardly ever see this boy, but you claim with 100% certainty that you know he is not abused. That my dear, is just plain impossible and very naive on your part. You could see him every single day, and still not know he is abused. Do you have any clue how many children are being abused without anyone suspecting a thing? It happens all the time!
Then i guess it is fair to
Then i guess it is fair to say your children are being abused?! Or my other two for that matter?
Why are you arguing like a 12
Why are you arguing like a 12 year old?
There's clearly no reasoning with you. I'm done. I wish you the best of luck, I truly do.
Amazing! You know instead of
Amazing! You know instead of yelling at me, saying im this or that. Why dont you offer some advice?
"Get him some therapy blah blah" Helloo he is not my kid! I cannot physically sign him up for sessions.
You say hes been abused, i say unlikely. Fine duly noted, we disagree. "You dont know your not a psycologist, blah blah" Yup your right. And guess what? Neither are you!
So offer me something concrete instead of bashing on me!
Therapy was thrown out there. I agree. What after that?!
Talk to DH? Did that.
Any other bright ideas out there? If you cant offer advise then dont offer.
Maybe you should go back and
Maybe you should go back and re read! Therapy, get him help. Thats ALL you have been saying. Did ya miss the part about it not bein my kid? So, since i cant take this kid to therapy myself, you got any more bright ideas?
Geez, was that sooooo hard!
Geez, was that sooooo hard! Its probably the best advice ive heard from you!
P.s. dont respond, cuz that was your last post!
DRU, yes indeed. I do realize
DRU, yes indeed. I do realize that and have been tryin to make that point also. Thank you.
StepAside, let me say a
StepAside, let me say a thanks a big props to such a well thought out, mature, insightful, post. A few points was like you read my mind. LOL
The first paragragh i totally agree. I felt too some personal experiences were jading any constructive advice.
I did see the same advice over and over, take action. Exactly. I said something about my concerns to DH. Then asking, what else am i to do? At that point in the posts (as well as by me, feeling defensive) the main objective was being missed!!!!!!! What AM I to do?
Yes, the last post that offered "advice". Hmmm, but honestly how realistic was that advice, as you yourself stated "angelic proposition" (good choice of words) doing those things put my "intact" family at risk.
No, i really feel my hands are tied. I voiced my
concerns and physically can do nothing else
except protect my DD. I will keep voicing my concerns to DH, cause i see nothing else to do.
Perhaps another option is to
Perhaps another option is to make an anonymous report to your child welfare office or the school? Its obvious here that the "legal" family members will not take action. this would push outside authorities to put something in to action for your SS.
"I am concerned because this child named xxx has demonstrated the following behaviors..."
While this is a sign of possible abuse, I agree he could have been watching something on TV or found magazines or even heard conversations adults were having. If gp's are permissive then he could be channel surfing anything.
Good luck to you.
My question is why on earth
My question is why on earth are you pushing everyone so hard for common sense solutions, cantwin? If you see this stuff going on then so will others, most communities, families, spend some time bitching about stuff, or denying stuff. I think you just needed to put on your thinking cap, tie the bows and do what you can do. Go for counselling your own self? You are no dummy, I am sure some things occurred to you. See how a counsellor advises you??
It will be on your concience later, especially if you knew something could have been done at this early stage. You'll be saying 'if only I had done this, or that' and by then it will be too late. You might as well accept that you are NOT entering into a popularity contest, you will be the least popular and it may cause problems but these people have to accept what's going on or share the blame for what's going to happen in years to come. They will all thank you in the long term, well, maybe not if a perpetrator is captured!! One less perv off the streets and one more child on the way to recovery, right?
You are right to continue to protect your kids, I'd still try to stay positive around the boy though, hey, if he's being abused then it's NOT his fault! Once DH sees that you are not totally ostracising the boy he might soften some, do you know for sure that DH was not abused? It's a hell of an insidious thing, for centuries it was widely accepted and commonplace and as awareness grew it was swept under the rug and it's still very taboo! People of the GP's generation might be hiding something too! It's still not outwith the bounds that the boy was abused by someone in the family, the majority of cases turn out to be a family member, or trusted friend, right? It's also possible that the boy is just a bad seed, but iether way the kid needs help!
Is there any way you could
Is there any way you could have a school counselor speak with him? It's not necessarily signing him up for therapy and if he reveals anything they are required to tell you.
You don't have to give your
You don't have to give your name when you make a report to CPS.
IF SS is being abused, it may be someone you trust.
True very true, on these last
True very true, on these last few posts. Since it IS possible to be an anoymous (i think i spelled that wrong lol) reporter to CPS, that is very much a realistic option. And one i have been giving serious serious thought and consideration too.
Yes, common sense solutions but ones that i have to carefully execute. The possibilty of tearing apart my "intact" family is very real.
Despite how i feel personally about this child, i am not a "monster" who is taking pleasure in turning a blind eye. Im not sitting here thinking he is getting what he deserves.
Yes, i feel helpless in the matter. FEEL. Is the key word. That is not the same as saying that i will not take action if i see a safe oppourtunity.
Like i said, having some options available (that were finally suggested kindly) that can be done without any family members knowing open up lots n lots of doors.
This seems like one of your
This seems like one of your best options right now.
You have solid examples of behavior and a real concern. For all they (family) know a teacher heard or saw something and reported it.
I agree with the last 3
I agree with the last 3 posts,cant win. But let me add something else that I haven't seen brought up. If this kid abuses Dd(or any future kids of yours),and they tell a teacher, or anyone outside the family and that person reports it, your kids will be taken away from you.If I were you that would be my chief worry. I don't know of many kids that haven't had a peek at pornography or an innapropriate movie, maybe that is where he got his ideas. It's how he acted on it that sends a shiver down my spine.
Ctnmom, yes excellent point
Ctnmom, yes excellent point that hasnt been brought up.
AlL points aside, the main and most important thing is that it is unappropiate, and must be dealt with. Now, while i KNOW the SS biological family members will do NOTHING, AND will dismiss this behavior i CANNOT!
I have voiced my concern on def ears. AND i made my "phone call" anoyomously.
What the "proper people" do with follow up, is truly truly out of my control.