Speaker phone pisses me off
Admittedly, my FH is absent-minded and often loses his headphones. But I know he has them today b/c we talked this morning with him using them! (I often ask b/c he likes the "togetherness" of phone calls on speaker phone while his son is in the car, and I find it intrusive). We are apart this week b/c of my work, and he was calling me on his way home from a work function that he took his 10 year old son to (b/c it was moved to Monday, I am not there to be with the son, and the BM wouldn't take him), and without me knowing it the whole, f-ing conversation was on speaker phone!!! I don't f-ing want his son to be privy to our conversations- this is an issue all of the time, in person, as his son is used to being a part of anything adult. His son as told me that he wants to be a part of all of my conversations with his dad- once (after battling him for the front seat- still, 1 year later he always goes to ride in the front seat)- he leaned through the seat and asked that we finish our conversation b/c he was tired of not being a part of it.
Ugh.
I mean this is largely a good kid, I like him most of the time. But I get so f-ing tired of this. He is NOT his dad's partner (I supposedly am!), he is not an adult (he is 10!), and it is not "cute" for a 10 year old to assert himself like this.
I just got off the phone. This kind of thing always turns into a fight between me and FH. What do you think about just making a rule that I don't want to talk to him on speaker phone with his son, unless it is approved as a family, catch-up call?
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Hi Steppingsf, I know from
Hi Steppingsf,
I know from experience how difficult it can be to come between a guilty parent and his imbalanced parenting preferences. I know what it’s like to watch someone obsess over a child, and expect you to do the same. To be the constant bad guy in your own home, because you are sane, and rationale, and don’t share the obsession. My ex H felt the only time the two of us needed to be alone was when we were being intimate. If we were in bed asleep, he still felt his teenaged son should feel comfortable being in our bed with us. When I got tired of words like intimacy, privacy, and boundaries being treated like curse words, I left. My current H has issues with boundaries when it comes to his child, but he is no where near as bad as my ex. In these highly emotional situations with irrational guilty daddies, it is necessary to chose your battles, and this an issue worth fighting against. A relationship between a man and a woman exists outside of the relationship between parent and child. This man has an unhealthy relationship with his child. I definitely suggest the rule you suggested being implemented, and therapy for your partner. Hearing how unhealthy these practices are from a therapist will likely mean more to him than hearing them from you.
"There comes a time when you have to surrender the idea of what your children could be to the reality of who they are."
Thank you very much for such
Thank you very much for such a thoughtful message. His son also co-slept with him until last spring, he needs his dad to get in his bed and read to him each night until he falls asleep. FH calls it "child-centered parenting" (I think some call it "attachment parenting). Whatever it is, it doesn't leave room for the kind of intimacy I want with him and it has often left me feeling abandoned and alone.
We are in therapy together- specifically around this issue of creating our relationship and his so. It is really good for us- and I think FH is already understanding sometimes, how needing to change the structure of his relationship with his son is required for him to have an intimate partnership with me. I say "sometimes."
I wish I understood more the guilt and obsessiveness- or at least where it comes from. I sometimes think FH is afraid that his son won't love/like him any more if he turns some of this attention/focus to me and our relationship. In therapy 2 weeks ago we were each directed to ask the other for one small thing that they do for us. His was to, each day when his son is with us, to focus on me and connect with me for even the smallest moment. It is important for me that he practice this when his son is there. But I know it makes him afraid and tense sometimes.
I wonder if it will always be a struggle. I wonder if he had a child together if he would want to parent this same way. I wonder if I will ever stop bracing myself for these situations to arise.
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One of my pet peeves is
One of my pet peeves is parents who let their kids walk up and start talking in the middle of a conversation. My son is getting close to 2 and a half and I'm about to start in with teaching him not to be rude and interrupt people. We've already got him so that if we tell him we're on the phone, he'll be quiet. He just plays quietly and whispers to himself. Hell, even when he was 2 and on a 6 hour roadtrip, we told him my fiancee needed to take a nap and so he spent the next 30 minutes just quietly watching outside and sometimes whispering to himself. And this is a kid that's normally a chatterbox.
I have a lot of patience and I like to talk to him to explain what things are and how things work... but if I'm talking to my fiancee or someone else and he comes up to talk or ask a question, I will get down to his level and tell him that I'm talking to someone and he needs to wait.
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