The ups/downs are making me feel hopeless
I feel like for a while in the late winter/early spring things were getting so much better-- FH seemed to "get" that things in his life, his household, and even with his son can/should change a bit to accommodate me as his partner (shifting SS out of this role).
And it's all just snow-balled downhill again the last few weeks. He told me over the weekend that he wants me to not just be in love with him, but also to be in love with the unit that his him and his son. That without this I was rejecting (not respecting and supporting him as a father). He told me that his strength and foundation has always come from his identity and sense of himself as a father and without blanket approval of his son and his parenting I was rejecting him and his identity and that I truly don't love him. He told me on Sunday that any anxiety I have about being going on a 3 week vacation out of the country with the 3 of us this summer was a demonstration that I am not committed to the idea of all of us as a family.....
Finally, when he read some of the resources that have been really valuable to me (e.g. the book _Stepcoupling_ and some research on the psychological process/development of creating a step family) he seemed more angry.
I wonder if all of this is part of his process-- that I need to trust him and keep loving him and just develop a thicker skin right now. I am committed to us a a family, my whole life, schedule, etc. is developed around his son and the crazy custody schedule he has. I cook for him, do his laundry, go to his school things. And I still have anxiety.
anyway...I am feeling so blue and hopeless. How long does it take before we stop going through all of these cycles and it will feel like there's been some sustainable progress?
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personally, in my opinion,
personally, in my opinion, the problem here is when you say "my whole life, schedule, is developed around his son."
NO one's life should revolve around a kid...not even your own kid. SO why does yours revolve around his?
IT seems like your anxiety may be due to your own loss of identity. Your FH says it is HIS identity...but what about you? Where are you in this equation? You have been completely lost.
You might consider NOT going on the vaca for three weeks. Let them go, and use the time to assess who YOU are...what YOU want...and what YOU need.
I am with Folkmom, listen to
I am with Folkmom, listen to what she says, your life the way it is now will lead to resentment and anger
I have to say I agree with
I have to say I agree with folkmom. Turn the situation around. YOUR identity isn't wrapped up in this child, and if FH can't understand or accept that, is he accepting who you are and really loving you? Seems you're doing all the giving, all the growing of thick skin, the trusting, and all the expectations are on you. You might tell yourself that you can carry such a heavy burden (because this is what women do), but I bet you'll resent it. I bet you resent it now and you're trying to make it okay in your own head. It's NOT okay. You've been struggling with this for a long time and the only change on the horizon is the change that your FH expects of YOU.
FH is asking the impossible if he thinks you will love his child in the way that HE loves his child. It sounds to me as if you do support his role as a loving father. That he expects more from you is plain selfishness. Contrary to his belief, the center of the universe is not this child. Likewise, the center of your relationship with this man should not be his child.
Hugs to you. This is so difficult.
I 100% agee with The wicked
I 100% agee with The wicked One!
You and FH come first as a couple. All things then flow from THIS UNION.
I do not know know what his background is, but it certainly isn't in child development or psychology or anything related to children. He may be well-educated in his area of expertise, but he's a dumb-ass when it comes to relationships! (Sorry to be so blunt).
He has done many things wrong in this situation:
*put his son on a pedestal
*given you and this fledgling family impossible expecatations to live up to
*given you NO ROOM for error or individuality
It looks to me like you are not his new partner, but his REPLACEMENT WIFE. And this is not a good situation for a new relationship. By all accounts, you want to do what's right for this family (you're taking the time to read books and show an interest), but still, that's not good enough for him. This is a no-win situation he's created for you.
I would definitely think counseling is on order. For both of you for certain, but if he won't go, then for youself, definitely. And I would not move forward in making this a "permanent" thing until you resolve these issues. JMHO.
Katrinkie (and others!) thank
Katrinkie (and others!) thank you so much for this very helpful exercise to approach with FH. I think it is such a good one-- I wonder/hope that FH would be open to it. He sometimes doesn't seem very open these days. Takes a position and digs his heels in.
I know that I have lost a sense of myself in all this. I think that part is so hard- I work really hard at regaining myself and who I am when I left my first marriage. And feel like all that work is gone and missing.
I could not agree with you
I could not agree with you more- I have tried to offer this idea to FH. I do think he needs his own, very intensive therapy around this issue, processing his divorce (of 8 years ago), and coming to terms with himself and his parenting.
I am not ever going to be his son's mother.
I think the psychological process for this is called "individuation." I know that that this is something I (and my siblings) experienced with my own mother after my parents' divorce when I was young. It has caused enormous resentment, her inability to be supportive of our decisions, as adults, that are not inline with her thinking. And I have struggled tremendously my whole life (and finally, at 38 feel free) of trying to please her, live up to her expectations, and make choices based on what I think she would want.
I am starting to wonder if FH is ready/able to have a spouse since his whole being is tied up in his son, as he describes it. I also wonder if some of his recent comments are his own processing, part of the grief I suspect he's never dealt with about his divorce and not having a biological family unit for his son, the guilt he has around divorce and his son, and the sadness he has that no matter how great I am (
sigh.
ok...let me throw this out
ok...let me throw this out there..
you feel free from your mom, free to make your own choices...
but are you?
seems like you went from the control of a mother to the control of a spouse. what you described from your mom (trying to please, live up to her expectations) is EXACTLY the problem you are having with FH.
I appreciate your throwing it
I appreciate your throwing it out there...I have been thinking of the same thing myself!
I have been feeling like I'm reliving very very very old emotions and patterns- and that is terrifying to me.
well facing your fears is
well facing your fears is key....so what is the next logical step?
Hey Stepping, I completely
Hey Stepping,
I completely understand what you are going through. I met my SD when she was 9 and I like you tried to be the mother in the family that my DH wanted. But SD has a mother and when I tried to parent or offer advice I was shut out by both DH and BM - she is their child after all. My DH (and I fear your's also) is trying to create the family that he couldn't have with BM. This doesn't mean that he wants BM back or that he doesn't love you. My DH was trying to create a safe family unit for his daughter but what was created was more tension between BM and DH and then they both parented by guilt. Those years were awful and SD still struggles: she's 27 still trying to complete college and still relying on DH for $'s.
My 2 cents is BE HONEST. Tell him that you can't love SS like he does - he is not your son. Tell him that you are there to support him and help HIM parent his child but that you are not the parent - he is. And that your anxiety is normal and cannot be forced or demanded away. Offer a compromise - maybe 3 weeks is too long. My DH and I ended up taking a shorter "family vacation" and a vacation for just the 2 of us. Encourage him to spend 1 on 1 time with his son and use that time to take care of you - whatever that means to you. It is not an unreasonable request and you should not feel guilty about taking time for yourself and giving voice to your reasonable and realistic concerns about your SS, your role as a SM and the demands of an extended family.
Finally, carve out time for you and husband and then spend some quality time 1 on 1 with SS. My parents did this as I was growing up. We were "farmed out" to relatives during the summer vacation so that my parents could have some couple time and my parents would also spend 1 on 1 time with just 1 kid at a time.
This is hard stuff - let me know how it goes.
Thank you, Glynne. FH and I
Thank you, Glynne. FH and I have reached and impasse, of sorts. He has told me that I am not "doing enough to show I want to be a family" and until I do he cannot commit to more time/support/nurturance of our relationship. He continues to use my anxiety of an indication that I am not "committed" that that I have problems with his son. This, despite the fact that I have shown him book after book after book talking about the challenges common to creating a blended family, the issues common to step parents, like me, around identity loss, anxiety, no control, etc. And even the issues common to a biological parent like himself-- I thought that after he couldn't hear me state my needs (any statement of needs from me he interprets as his failure and becomes upset), that these resources would be an objective place for him to engage with this stuff.
But I am not sure that he is able to even do this. He was angry at me today when he told me "I've read your stuff."
I am considering leaving the relationship, which makes me very sad. I love him very much. I know this is a process-- and I know that we are in one of the most challenging places in the process. But I feel that he is demonstrating no reflecting, no empathy, and zero ability to have any perspective. I also know that I process things quickly and that he does so slowly- so I am also trying to trust in him and us and give him some time.
And I need to carve out things and time for myself and re-connect with who I am, outside of all of this.
well it cannot move forward
well it cannot move forward if all he wants to do is blame you for inaction. what exact sign does he need? what can he articulate as being the relationship he wants between everyone? beyond the egneric statement? what does he want you to do?
my guess...he has no specific thing he wants you to do. my guess is he just wants you to shut up about any issues, do things for him and his kid without complaint...and pretend it is all wonderful.
now, why can't you just do that?
(i kid on the last part).
I agree 100% with
I agree 100% with folkmom.
You need to remember who you are in all of this. When was the last time he asked what you wanted/imagined the situation to become? You have a right to happiness....with or without him...