I posted this comment in my last blog but wanted to make sure people actually saw it.

Thanks again for all the supportive comments. It is hard to keep my self doubt straight in this situation. According to him, if I just treated him better, everything would be ok. Except in the early days when I fell all over him and gave him what he wanted, it wasnt okay. And yes he is better about things now, but it's hard to get over things that have happened. My view of him changed (or became clear) I should say - and I haven't been able to change that. It's hard not to feel guilty when someone clearly hates himself and the things he has done, yet continues to self sabotage - but because he isn't as bad as he used to be, I'm supposed to let things go. He's still obsessive and has horrible self esteem which continues to ruin us. But according to him, he has low self esteem because of how I treat him. It's just sick. This goes back so much further than me.

All of the things he complained about with BM? She was cold and withholding and no fun and neglected him? That's what he says about me now. And I sure as hell didn't start out that way. His behavior caused me to be like this. Of course I don't bother telling him this. I'm writing this out because I have to remind myself.

I get so caught up in the whole "your attitude is your choice" and "you should be compassionate toward others" and "positivity is contagious so maybe if I'm happy first, he will be." But I think the fact is that some people are miserable and just suck the life out of you.

I am taking time for focusing on myself and my own happiness. I have always allowed others to make me doubt myself and think i am crazy - going back to childhood. My mother has a lot of characteristics of BPD and she did the same thing. Made me feel like the crazy one.

I've had a lot of success in my career, I am still young and attractive. But my self esteem sucks deep down. If I dont focus on and fix this issue I will continue to think all this crap with SO - or anyone - is normal and ok.