BM explains that they used to be a family
SD4 said, "mommy told me her and daddy used to live together." She goes on to say that her mom told her I didn't always live with daddy. BM told her the three of them use to live together and they were a family. She ends this conversation by saying in the saddest little voice, "I wish we could do that again sometime."
I told her no matter where they live they both love her very very much and we left it at that. But inside I was shocked.
They only lived together for 8 months after SD was born. The pregnancy was accidental, it was the only reason they moved in together. I've known SD half her life. I've known her dad 4 years.
I feel a little left out with BM's explanation of this family. According to BM's explanation mommy and daddy used to live together and now they don't, now I live with daddy. I think this is a dangerous string of thoughts for a small child who is struggling to connect the dots.
And I can't believe she explained the family dynamics in such a cold way. SD was really sad over the thought that they used to "be a family" and now they aren't.
Technically it is true, BM used to live with SO, I didn't always live with SO, they used to all live together. BUT it glosses over important aspects of our family like how much I care about her, how much her daddy and I love and care for each other, how everything we do is for her, how regardless of where her mommy and daddy live they share love for her.
That's how I would have explain it. I think next time it comes up I will explain it that way.
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I'd be making DH call her and
I'd be making DH call her and ask her to set things straight in a better light, or I'd sit down with your SO and your SD and explain the family dynamics in your own ways as a family setting. Its hard and its sucks that her BM is so childish as to twist her little mind like that
Thanks for the comment. I
Thanks for the comment. I think we will sit down with her and explain that we all love her very much no matter who's living with who.
It isn't the BMs job to
It isn't the BMs job to pander to your feelings. In other words she will turn the screw as often as she can.
I would tell Ms$ ... Honey, you were a tiny little baby. Can you remember when you couldn't walk or talk? And your family is whoever you want it to be. Is grandpa part of your family? He doesn't live with you does he?
One day you will be all grown up and have your very OWN family. And if everyone is kind and thoughtful and nice to each other you will live together forever. You and your husband and your children. Right now I have a different family. I have Daddy and you. But you are also part of Mummys family. That means (lucky you!) you have 2 families! Wow!"
This is enough to make her very happy. She has Mummys family and Daddys family.
My G/daughter said the same kind of thing a while back (she will be 4 on Friday and her mother moved out when she was 2). The line came directly from her father and I know it ... "Grandma, one day Daddy and Mummy and I lived all together in our own apartment. I want to go back to that old apartment and live with mummy and daddy and not Roger... (Daughters fiance)"
Me - Really? That was such a long time ago. Can you REALLY remember that?
GD - We all shared one apartment. Dadday and Mummy and me but not Roger.
Me - But now you are lucky. You get 2 apaprtments and 2 beds. I wish I had another house to live in as well. Then Grandpa and I could swap over like you do.
GD - Yes and Roger can come with us to visit you in your other house!..... Completely off on another tangent about what flowers would we plant in our 'other' garden.
I wouldn't worry about it. 4 yr olds have minds like sieves. You can divert her 'misery' into another more fun direction, promise. And consider the source....
It sucks and be prepared for
It sucks and be prepared for her to not even "really" get it. She may get confused every now and then due to her age but she will remember the family sit down in her mind later in life. We had to do this type of thing with SS11 who isnt biologically ours. His BM had twisted his poor head so much and she was threatening to tell him that DH wasnt his "real" daddy at Christmas one year. We sat down as a family and explained the situation to him and why he lives with us (because we love him and chose him and we ARE his family in the end) It was really hard for him to understand as he has ties to his BM so he tends to believe her lies but he came around after all and now understands better and loves us more because we were honest and loving. Good luck!
Sming it could have been a
Sming it could have been a quick nothing discussion at bms. Maybe sd said her friends mom and dad live together and asked bm why hers don't. Maybe bm explained we used to but now we don't, but sming loves you too.
I don't usually give bms the bod but you didn't pitch a fit like a lot of us do over our bitchy bms so may e yours isn't too bad?
i tell my dd and skids that
i tell my dd and skids that family is who is in your heart not necessarily just in your home. she is only 4 she'll say more about mommy and daddy being back together. my skids are 13 and 14, and they talk about it too and always will. I dreamt of that growing up but learned after i grew up why it would never happen, and now i'm glad it didn't.
she'll learn
This is something that comes
This is something that comes up every so often in our "family" too. SD5 has a great memory and remembers specific events from when FDH and BM were together/lived in our current house. SS3 does not. So sometimes, SD5 will tell SS3 things about that time. It's slowed a LOT but it does make SS3 curious, although he can't really articulate that yet. I'm expecting questions in the future.
One of the best things in our situation was being able to use all different family dynamics to describe a "family" and what that means. We use FDH's blended family, my blended family, SD5's blended family, our friend's blended family, all as examples. I think the more examples you give to this age the better that they can understand that it's normal and you make your own family out of the people you love in your life. This age seems to get really stuck on titles also, so try to explain that titles are flexible...for example, FDH calls his stepmother AND his mother to say "Happy Mother's Day"...stuff like that.