"....when is it my turn? when is it that people will want to make me happy?"

None of us can ever find our happiness that way SB. I found that out when I left my first marriage, then fell for the married man, now with SD.

I have to reach the point where I give to her and parent her from the same place I do my children or my husband. Without attachment to receiving back. I completely believe that is the key to happiness- to let go of attachment to outcome and live in the moment of giving without regard of receiving. Very Buddhist of me I know, but I really think they have something there.

Those are the people I see living their dreams- the ones who are living their authentic self and enjoying those around them. It's like they are a magnet for happiness and the genuine giving from others as well.

I know that's a difficult place to get to, and I am working on it daily myself. Like right now when I want to be writing something profoundly comforting to you, and BD 3 is tossing her trainers at me, asking for some cereal, and demanding I help her put a puzzle together all at the same time.

BUT...deep down I know that I will have all the time for me next fall when she goes to preschool, and this time when it's just her and I will have passed forever.

If we could just see each moment we have as a gift, maybe we would be happier. Live your happiness SB! OWN it and then no one can give or TAKE it from you.

Love and hugs to you.

"When you take charge of your life, there is no longer need to ask permission of other people or society at large. When you ask permission, you give someone veto power over your life." ~Geoffrey F. Abert

I know how you feel. You are not alone. So being removed from your situation it is easy for me to tell you that, you and I both are co-dependent. Putting the needs of everyone else ahead of our own.... at the expense of ourselves.
It comes from a place of compassion. I comes from a desire to love. It comes from a genuinely good place inside of us.
BUT it is a problem when the other end is not giving back equally. I believe in a marriage you should put the other person first. However, if you are the only one doing that, then you are not getting back what YOU need to keep your cup full. It becomes very toxic, and very unhealthy. And we somehow become magnets to people who need need need need, but don't have the emotional capacity to give in return, or at least as much as WE need to feel taken care of. So at the end of the day regardless of our situations, it comes back down to ourselves. and if we don't FIRST love ourselves, and practice loving self-care, then we lose track of ourselves and give our power away to anyone and everyone that comes by that is needy. It is a vicious cycle and the only people who can stop the pattern is us. We teach them it is ok to treat us this way because we aren't showing to them that we are taking care of ourselves. If we aren't modeling that, it doesn't take long for others to follow suit and then before you know it, no one is taking care of us and we become like a bag of sand that has been punctured. Eventually there is nothing left inside the bag.
I believe this is where you are at emotionally. You are empty of all of your sand.
Think of it like this, how long can a car run on a tank of gas? In a perfect world your DH would fill your car up for you when you are out driving and it would be taken care of... but no one is going to the gas station for you. And that sucks and isn't how it should be but it is what it is. So you keep driving and driving and driving, and the gauge keeps going lower and lower and lower, then your tank guage beeps at you and is on E, but you think gee I can still get another 10 miles out of it before it REALLY is empty. We think "just keep going, keep going". Well, the car tried to tell you, the signs were there, and now you are broken down on the side of the road.
Your choices are as follows:
stay broken down on the side of the road waiting for someone to come by with some gas which doesn't happen so you end up dying from starvation broken down on the side of the road somewhere
OR
You start the long hard walk to the nearest gas station, buy a couple of gallons of gas and walk all the way back and put it in your tank. Is it exhausting? Yes of course. but it is worth it in the end. YOU ARE WORTH IT IN THE END. I have never been lucky enough to have anyone pump my gas for me. Sounds like you haven't either. But the good news is most gas stations are self-serve and open 24 hours a day. Even if you only are able to fill your tank half way everytime on your own. It is better than being on E.
I am typing this to my own brain as I am writing it to you... I hope this makes some sense.
You still have dreams. It is just hard to remember them when you are stranded on the side of the road. It is amazing how just a little bit on sunshine can bring them back to life.
If I lived near you I would drive you to the gas station.
But in the mean time I am here and I understand and you are not alone.
Please don't give up on yourself and your life. You are worth fighting for yourself.

HUGS

sweetie I know exactly what you are saying. The demise of every one of my relationships came about from trying to take my turn. From stepping back from holding it all together at the expense of my wants and desires, and trying to do something for myself. As you write I am reminded of the giving tree story, and that always made me sad. I never begrudge others who put themselves first, who are aware of their needs and take care of them, but why do I not have this same compassion for myself? Do not give up on happiness, perhaps the specifics of dreams need to evolve, but never that one, you are a beautiful deserving woman, do not lose sight...

((hugs))

"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." Albert Einstein

I am so surprised to hear this . . . what would we do without you SB?? And if we, on the internet feel that way, surely your family feels the same?? They just need to show it more. You are surrounded by men, maybe need a girl time pick me up?!! hugs honey

"A lie told often enough becomes the truth." - Vladimir Lenin