Need Advice on a BM Issue
Just to review, we won 50% custody of SD late last year. Since then there have been no issues with SD. She never asks to go to her mom, never says she misses her or needs to see her. She also is happy to go to her at the end of the week, and happy to come back to us the next week.
So the issue is fast becoming that BM is still not dealing with this situation well...again. She says she misses SD so much when she is with us, and always wants to impede on our time, but on the weeks she has SD, she's off on vacations or partying and sending SD to her grand mother, sister or aunt's house. That's not our problem and she can do what she will on her weeks, the problem is that she wants time from our weeks. DH continually says simply "No, my weeks are my time." Lately, she's now taken to terrorizing SD to try and get her way. SD starts crying after hanging up with her mother and makes up some reason about why she is crying "My mom wants to see me and my dad says no." And will not say anything else. This is not a reason she has ever been upset about, the conversation was much more than that.
We can't simply tell BM she isn't allowed to talk to SD on the phone anymore. So I am simply at a loss as to what to do. I know BM is making SD feel responsible for 'taking care of mommy's feelings' which no child should be put in such a postion. To have to be the one taking care of a parents emotions and feelings. It's not right. But it's the situation we are in, and I need some way to help a 7 year old understand that it's not her job.
Any ideas?
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Sure you can tell BM she
Sure you can tell BM she can't talk to SD on your DHs time. What BM is doing is called harrasment and it is illegal.
Nail her ass to the wall for it and have the Sherriff haul her off in hand cuffs. Save your telephone records showing the delta between how often you call SD on BMs time and hoe often BM calls SD on BioDad's time.
This is one area where the dipshit family law judges seem to be able to make a decent decision fairly consistently.
Explain the situation to your SD. Tell her that you and BioDad miss her when she is at BMs but you respect her time with BM enough to not upset her while she is there.
IMHO of course.
Best regards,
I wish, but the court order
I wish, but the court order says each parent will have reasonable phone access when with the other parent. We honestly just want her to take her time, and leave us ours. I don't understand why it has to be a struggle. If she needs more time, spend time with her on her own week instead of going here and there and leaving her with every relative.
Thank you though, I really have to see if this behavior continues and think long and hard about how to proceed.
"reasonable phone
"reasonable phone access"
What BM is asking for is far from reasonable.
File a harassment complaint and let a judge decide.
I am highly confident that you will win and win big.
In my layman's opinion of course.
Best regards,
We have the same problem. If
We have the same problem. If we are having fun and evil BM calls, she puts fear into them that they are not safe with us. We have tryed to deal with this, but, if the kids are having fun or we are doing something (pool, rides, somewhere were phone cant be answered) She just keeps calling like they are in danger or something. Now I only have them for twice a month. Maybe she will get the picture not to bother us and start her shit anymore. The more she pulls her bs , the more I back away. She does not care if they see me , or not. She is doing so much harm by enrolling them in activities and not encourging them to spend time with me.
She has never wanted to
She has never wanted to 'visit' her mother on our weeks. She has never once asked. It's BM that has now begun telling SD that she wants to see her and to tell her dad to let BM pick her up.
When BM has something to occupy her time, the phone calls are simple, and short and no tears. When BM is lonely, the conversation takes an ugly turn and SD is crying. That's not right in my opinion.
I honestly think for the health of my SD, she needs at LEAST 50% of her time with DH and me. That is what is fair in my eyes.
I did not see that anyone is
I did not see that anyone is attempting to block contact. There is a visitation schedule. BM is impeding Dad's time with his daughter. Dad's time is dad's time. BM needs to stay the hell out of dad's time.
Calling to say goodnight is one thing. Wanting to Skype with the kid during homework time which can be several hours a night and extremely distracting to the child's efforts is wrong.
IMHO of course.
Best regards,
Sound advice. I wouldn't mind
Sound advice. I wouldn't mind putting another restriction on her but we always have to think what she'll do to SD when SD is picked up by her. It's rediculous that we care about SD's feelings and she doesn't give a rat's ass.
I think if it continues over the next few weeks, that we will have to draft an e-mail, and DH will simply have to have SD start taking calls on speaker phone. Rediculous that we have to treat BM like a child but apparently she needs it.
A very major issue in DH
A very major issue in DH bringing up anything about SD's welfare to BM, is that BM will then pick her up on her day, and interrogate and terrorize SD. She also has SD convinced that she is an innocent victim and that DH and I are evil, and will do everything to "take SD away". Of course SD loves her mom, so she doesn't understand that mommy is a psychopathic waste of flesh.
We have no way of proving this mental mind F#ck is taking place, and no way of stopping it because BM doesn't understand reason or putting someone above herself. Her child is a possession to her, there to entertain and help her pass the time only when she wants her as a toy, and then easily passed off to everyone else when she has better things to do.
It's been a complete minefield trying to figure out how to resolve issues like this. Everything we do ends up hurting SD more, and branwashing her to believe her mother more. I'm so frustrated.
Well, even if recording the
Well, even if recording the phone calls isn't legal, you can still put her on speaker phone. If BM knows that there's a possibility that you guys can hear what she's saying, she might knock it off. Just remember, you might hear her say some not so nice things about you, too, and let that roll off.
You could try putting
You could try putting limitations on the time when BM is allowed to call SD. For example, only once per day between 7-8pm. Give a very small window of opportunity to avoid having BM affect SD's mood at dinner time, bed time, etc.
"I know BM is making SD feel
"I know BM is making SD feel responsible for 'taking care of mommy's feelings' which no child should be put in such a postion. To have to be the one taking care of a parents emotions and feelings. It's not right. But it's the situation we are in, and I need some way to help a 7 year old understand that it's not her job."
This is my very first post on this website. I am a Biomom, not a step in any fashion (if this immediately puts you off, I understand) but I am not here to put anyone down. I have been reading many of these posts for about a year as I happened to come across this site randomly. Anyway, the first thing I want to say to you is you are exactly right and on target with your BM and what she is doing--it is NOT RIGHT!! I think the court's reasoning for putting in the orders: "reasonable phone access" is meant to be in the best interests of the child, however, in my own personal experience, it can backfire, especially in a high-conflict situation. When my daughter first began staying weekends with her father and her now stepmom, I was worried about her being anxious and afraid and used to call all the time. It was counterproductive. After speaking with my daughter on the phone, she would become hysterical, feeding into my own fears and guilt that "she didn't want to be there." After some time and experience, I realized that it's better to just stay out of the picture when she's at her Dad's house. I learned to let go and appreciate the benefits that she will receive from having so many people who love her. The time with her dad and stepmom should be spent bonding with them, not wondering what BM is doing or feeling. Calling too much can send a message to the kids that there is a reason to fear or dislike being at the other parents house. I suggest that you talk to your attorney about the BM's actions in your situation. Make sure to keep the tone one that stresses that you do not wish to interfere in the BM and child's relationship, but that the child is visibly upset after talking to BM, due to the stressful nature of the phone calls. Also, make it a mantra that you desire a good relationship between your child and her BM (even if it makes you want to vomit saying it out loud!) Any GAL worth his/her salt is going to take your reasonable concern into consideration. As to what to say to your stepdaughter, this is a very fragile situation. If you don't say enough, no results. If you say too much, bad results. Try to make light of the BM's fears. Stress that your child can love both families (again, make this a mantra) even if you HATE the BM! I know it sucks, but it will benefit you in the longrun because your SD will after time see that there is someone who is a rock for her and that she can trust. Her behaviors at your house will be better too, if she is more relaxed and doesn't feel stuck in the middle--this is an added bonus. Also, if need be, get her into a qualified therapist, and if you can, make sure that you don't make agreements outside of the court order that allow for significantly more time at a crack with the BM than is necessary because this gives BM more time to work on the child's emotions. The child will come back to you in an emotional tizzy, acting up. The courts will see that you care about the child's well being. It just takes time. If BM really loves her daughter she will learn to be selfless, and sometimes a court reprimand is the only thing that works. I hope this helps!!
Wow. Can I have SS's BM call
Wow. Can I have SS's BM call you so you can talk some sense into her?! lol
Absolutely! lol
Absolutely! lol
Thank you so much for your
Thank you so much for your insight, very nice to hear from the other side of things. You seem a bit more reasonable and selfless than the person we have to deal with, but you have such reasonable advice.
The very strange part of it all, is SD is guilted for not calling BM at all on our weeks, so when she does remember, she maybe makes only 1 call during the week. So unfortunately, we can't prove that it's harrassment, but it is definitely not healthy some of the time. (when mommy is lonely) So if this type of crap continues, I'm going to have to 'suggest' that my husband either tell her we are recording the calls, or that all calls must be on speaker phone.
I'm fine with the situation as it is, 50/50, but I'm not fine with the guerilla tactics being used on a kid. That's got to stop. But thank you so much for your post, I have hope that one day the BM on this side will take up some of your ways of thinking.
We had exactly the same
We had exactly the same problem. BM called ALL THE TIME claiming that she missed them so much (when she has them they are passed off to her family and babysitters though).
She puts the guilt trips on them 'Don't you miss me?' 'Oh, you are having fun. I'm not. I'm just sitting here missing you all day long', 'Tell daddy you want to come home and I'll take you to _________(insert child's favourite place)', etc.
We tried everything. We stopped taking her calls, we tried to limit them. She started sending the police over for a 'welfare check' if we wouldn't take her calls - even though she knew the kids were fine because we had just told her they were fine.
In the end it got brought up in court. She was awarded calls every second day at a specified time with the stipulation that she is not to discuss her or the children's emotions. When we went on holiday she got it changed to phone access every day before 9:00 AM.
It still sucks. She wanted her calls at bedtime and we said no, mornings only. Now half the time she doesn't call in the morning but sends a text that she's 'busy' and will call at bedtime. We don't answer. The she involves the police, although they are getting fed up with her.
When she does talk to them she won't let them off the phone. It's pathetic. They try and try to get off and she'll say 'no, stay and chat with me. I'm going to ____ too bad you aren't here. We could go shopping and I could buy you _________' The kids lie to her to get off the phone, saying it's dinnertime when it isn't or some other excuse. DD7 groans when she calls and says she doesn't want to talk to her.
Plus she pumps them for information about what we do (so she can bitch about it) or what we are going to do tomorrow and then she just 'happens' to show up wherever we are.
The problem is, I know that if she's told that they don't want to talk to her she'll punish them with guilt. The kids lose no matter what we do.
Personally, I think the best thing would be to cut out the phone calls completely. The kids have NEVER asked to call her, not once in 5 years. She's delusional though, to hear her tell it they are pining away for her every minute and we are so evil for not letting them talk to her nonstop. Nothing could be further from the truth though.
All good advice. I
All good advice. I especially like the record calls part, even if you just warn BM if she does not stop guilt-tripping the kids on the phone, you will be forced to do this and present it in court.
In our state if one party is aware of recordings it is legal, but if you flat out inform her in writing this is what you feel forced to do, it is completely legal.
It is a shame, but then maybe BM will be forced to grow up and stop inflicting her personal problems on children-!!
We don't have a video
We don't have a video function on our computer, and I'm not sure that she does either. The phone calls take place maybe one time a week, twice at most. This disgusting behavior on BM's part actually calmed down after she lost full custody, she is just flaring up again for some reason. Usually happens when she loses a boyfriend or has boyfriend problems.
If it continues we will have to record conversations and tell her we are doing so. That will likely put a stop to things. I just don't even want to escalate it because it will start another friggin war and god knows the repurcussions to SD after that. She definitely has no problem with mental terrorism at her own home.
Hmmm...I'm trying to think on
Hmmm...I'm trying to think on this one...when my daughter first started seeing her father she was a year old... I'm not sure if there was anything she could have said, although when she started really warming up and acting excited to see her dad and stepmom it really helped! If she had been older at the time and voiced her happiness that would have made a difference.
As far as "hope trying to get through to BM's," I think it's dependent upon personality. Some people you may not ever get through to, even when they are faced with the truth. That sucks, I know. Probably the best advice I can give you in general when dealing with an unreasonable BM is to fake it! This may seem a little manipulative (and, it is) but in the long run, if it promotes harmony, there's nothing wrong with it. The root of the fear and the animosity from many BM's stems from them feeling that their child will love someone else more than them, I believe. My feeling is that alot of times stepmoms believe that BM's want the BD, when it really truly is the children that the BM's are competing over. I know that this isn't always the case, though. Women are competitive by nature. Complimenting BM on any aspect of her child-rearing, etc will go a long way. She will be more likely to view you as an ally, than an opponent. You don't have to kiss her butt, though. I wouldn't engage in any verbal sparring either. Take the high road on that. If BM wants to make an idiot of herself, it doesn't concern you, and she's the one that has to live with her actions.
The best thing I could ever hear from BD is "you're doing the best that you can, and so are we." It kind of puts you in te same boat. Of course, this situation differs depending on circumstance. I have read that some of you ladies are dealing with some pretty off the wall BM's: drug use and so forth. That should absolutely never be condoned.
Overall, I think time is the best remedy.
If your BM is reasonable at all...
You too!
You too!