Ss is not telling us what's wrong. Dh and I are getting worried
I've been a SM for 4 years and I have two amazing sss who I love dearly (can't have children of my own): Ss13 and Ss10.
Ss13 has been friends with this one kid for 6 years. They're basically inseperable. Always texting, calling, hanging out. Sleeping over at eachothers house almosy every weeked.
He came back from a camping trip with his friend and his family and he's never been the same ever since. He's very sullen and he barley speaks to anyone if at all. At first dh and I thought that maybe him and his friend got into some arugement, but they still communicate on a daily basis. We even had asked the friends mom if everything went okay and she says that Ss13 has a peach and can't wait for nextime.
He's just recently started having night terros. Dh has had to co-sleep with him some times to help him fall asleep. The thing is though the we've never had a problem with co-sleeping before. In matter of fact, when he was younger, he would basically kick us out of his room so he could sleep in peace, and now he refuses to without DH. Even if Dh lays with him, he barley gets any sleep. Dh has said that he's woken up to ss just sitting in the corner of the room in the fetal postion. We've asked him repeatedly if he's alright, but he just says that he's okay and it school related stuff. The thing is though , he's a very studious student and his always on top of his schoolwork. There has not been a single time we've had to tell him to study or to do his homework because he does it on his own. We've taken him to the doctor's and he's referred him to a therapist, but he doesn't want to talk to him, but we take him anyways.
This one time there was a block party in our neighbourhood and all the familles were their. Ss's friend and family was there too. Ss seemed normal when he talked to his friend and the mother. When ss noticed his friend's father, se basically froze, he wouldn't speak, all color from this face was gone, he looked faint. He then took a step behind dh and grapped his hand. Ss was terrfied and all this from looking at his friend's father. He started begging us to take him home. We asked him what was wrong, but he just contiued asking his to take him home. We took him home because he ended up vommiting and shut himself in his room. He remained in his room for the whole day and when it was dinner time, he only ate a small portion (I made his favorite) and took off and just stayed in his room. Dh and I went into his room to see if he was alright and he barley responded and just said that he's fine while staring at the celing.
All of this from looking at his friend's father. All was normal until he went onto that camping trip. Ss was not been going over to his friends house at all and wil bring his friend over to ours. We're getting very concerned. I'm starting to think of every parents worse nightmare and I hope I'm very wrong.
How to we get him to open up to us and tell us what's wrong?
I think therapy is what he
I think therapy is what he needs. He’s probably more likely to talk to a therapist because of the “no judgement” atmosphere. You should definitely try and get him to talk to someone
good luck
We have taken him to a therapist
he won't talk to him. We take him anyways, but still noting.
We're getting very worried
Abusers have been know to put
Abusers have been know to put the fear of death into their victims. Now he might have threaten SS with death or one of the family. He could have suggested that you all wouldn't believe him, no one would believe him so its useless to tell anyone.
I would not send him over to that friend's house anymore. I would not encourage the friendship anymore and hopefully it will die a natural death like so many childhood friendships do. Find new things for SS to do, meet new kids, and maybe if he has enough time away from that family, he will relax enough to start talking. I believe he doesn't think it is safe to talk.
13 is a hard age to begin with, and they still need parents to set boundaries for them, especially when they can't.
I was really hoping someone
I was really hoping someone would say that I'm seeing things that aren't there or it's because of ss hitting puberty.
I actually had to take a breath while reading these comments. I was praying that I would be wrong about this
I had night terrors when I
I had night terrors when I was a kid too, and yes it was a side effect of abuse. I didn’t tell anyone until I was asked point-blank, for fear that something was wrong with me, shame...yet also not knowing exactly how wrong it was (I was younger than your SS and wasn’t as aware).
Honestly...I would suggest that you ask him point-blank if something happened on the camping trip, with his friends dad. Whoever you think he would feel most comfortable talking to (you or DH, whoever he would be least embarrassed talking to, but I think often it’s easier when it’s one-on-one) should do the asking. Make sure he understands it’s safe to talk, he can tell you anything and he will be safe. I think if you ask him specifically, he may have a harder time hiding it.
I hope it’s not what you think, but I hope he opens up no matter what it is, because bottling it up is not helping him.
You know what happened
And the police need to be called before the friend's dad does it again to someone else. He needs to go to prison for what he did to SS. You need a different therapist too. This man could have ruined your SS whole life with the trauma he just inflicted on him. Don't put your hand in the sand. Call the police.
Your SS is exhibiting all the signs of being the victim of abuse
He needs to be interviewed by a therapist who specializes in children/teens who may be victims of abuse. A "regular" therapist probably does not have the skill set to get your SS to open up - a specialist may be able to get him to talk. A specialist also knows how to conduct and interview so the things the child says are admissible in court.
I would call the police and they should be able to refer you to someone who can help. See if you can find the name of the detective in your local police department who handles sexual assault or "crimes against persons" and call them directly. There is the possibility this man has already assaulted someone else and the detective may know about it.
A profound change
like this means there is "something". When your gut reaction as a parent is screaming at you, it's time to listen to the gut. If it's something that you aren't sure of, I think it would be better to err on the safety side of things to protect your ss. I think if it was me I would not let your ss go to the other kids house or outings with his family, and maybe see if you can look into wether or not this guy has any reported incidents against him involving any other kids. Has your dh tried sitting your ss down someplace not at your house with just him and ss and just said "look kiddo I know there is something huge on your mind , i'm here to help you fix problems that come up in your life , it's my primary job as your dad, what is going on?" If he also can't seem to bond to the therapist, then look for a different one. Maybe even have your dh throw in that he's a big strong dad with a job and that he himself doesn't need protection by your ss from anyone in case it is a case of this guy threatening to harm ss family.