The intertwined family label mess

So I've been wondering if people have the same problems as I do with family lables and what to have stepkids call family members.

We've had run in's, well DH has run in's with BM, because of this almost constantly. BM is part Mexican, so she has SD call her grandmother Nana, fine. SD calls her aunt Dita. Fine. so on with all these names (which most aren't even correct in spanish according to who they are but WHATEV). But THEN she had SD calling her cousins her 'brother and sister'. We are NOT okay with that crap. They are her cousin, not her brother and sister. So far SD is the only child on both sides. Anyhow, we correct her every time, "You can love your cousins as if they are your brother or sister, but they are still your cousins." This pisses BM off to no end and she has resorted to calling me a wh0re, slut, b!tch to DH. Well, in court we addressed that issue and since then she's checked her tongue.

Now here is the real and recent issue, SD has called my brothers and my nephew her uncles and her cousin. BM is VERY pissed, but since she was ordered not to talk bad about DH or his immediate family, she has begun talking about my family instead. SD says "Mommy tells me those people are not my family." I tell her that family comes in many forms, through marriage and through births. They are her family through marriage.

But really with all these wacky names and situations going on, what the hell? We don't make corrections on SD calling her grandmothers and great aunt's boyfriend's her Nino or Dito and whatever else they decide to have her call them. There is times when BM was trying to have SD call one of her boyfriends DADDY! Talk about effed in the head! She would crap herself if we even whispered that SD call me mom!

So what is the solution? Any ideas? This kid is so confused about who is and isn't family, and how it all comes together, it's a mess!

Rainbow.Bright's blog
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SD is confused about who is

SD is confused about who is related to her...or what to call them?

Sit her down and draw a family tree. This always enlightens kids. They'll get some family history too.

My kids called their paternal grandmother's second husband...uncle by his choice. They were young at the time so it was fine for a while. Before long they figured out the meaning of uncle and corrected him. My kids call him by his first name by his (second)choice now Everyone else in the fam goes by PC labels.

She's confused about both.

She's confused about both. Who is related to her, and how and what they should be called and what they actually are.

It's a big ol mess. I think a family tree might be good, but then again DH gets to hear it from BM. Me telling her child that the sky is blue is a lie because it comes from my mouth.

Oh well, I guess it's one I have to just brush aside, like so many other annoying issues.

I don't know, I think it

I don't know, I think it depends on how close knit your skids are to your family. My family is not my SS's family, he doesnt refer to them as aunts/uncles/grandparents and they don't consider him family either. I don't consider my sister's stepchildren as my nephews either. I never really considered the stepparent's extended family as the SK's family. But I think that all depends on how much they are around. You can tell them to call them by their names, tell them what they are by marriage, and let the SK decide whether she wants to call your mother "grandma xx" or just "xx"...it should be up to them, not forced either way. Just educate them and let them decide. Also depends a large part on how old the SKs are when you and your family come into their lives. Good luck!

"I child proofed my whole house, but they STILL get in!"

How old is SD? I think as

How old is SD? I think as SD gets older she'll realize who is who on her own as she pieces together the information herself. Just continue to refer to the family members as you normally have. There's nothing you can really do to control BM's behavior, even going to court, you see she's found some other way to manipulate the situation. As, let's say a preteen, if someone were to tell me that my cousin were my 'sister', I think that I would know better than that. I have a couple of close friends that my children call "Aunts" or "Uncles"...they know they aren't 'really' their Aunts or Uncles, it's just a term of endearment.

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The intertwined family label mess