"Love is Not Enough"
Submitted by NoWireCoatHanga... on Tue, 05/19/2015 - 6:53am

I found this really good article yesterday. http://markmanson.net/love

Many of you have said to me this year and in previous years under a different signon - "Why are you still with this asshole?" well and the answer was cause I love him. And Many of you said "There is going to be a breakup number 6,7, 8, etc ..." and "He is using you!" and "you don't want your children to see you in a relationship like this." and "You can't meet Mr. Right if you are with Mr. Wrong." I knew all these things. And many of you said you need to look deep within on why, why, why you put up with his crap. Where is your self worth?" I may not have responded to these statements or questions but trust me they've been there in my thoughts daily. I come on here everyday and I read and read and read. I read about a woman whose husband left her with a new baby for BM. I read about a woman with a broken leg whose husband just stopped the car in the middle of traffic and walked off leaving her physically vulnerable to a car accident. I always think to myself, "I know what I would do!" but then why don't I do it? Well the answer is fear. My own mother is a very beautiful strong independent woman. She divorced my father when I was 7 as he was an abusive alcoholic. My parents also broke up and got back together over and over and over again. My mom had been a Winn Dixie cashier and she went to night school and Community College and then on to pharmacy school and graduated with honors. She very much wanted a lover. I have three brothers and sisters. I watched many men say "If only you didn't have four kids!" And here she is almost sixty and never remarried and she had one boyfriend in the past 25 years and he was a jerk. And Now here I have four children and I would very much would like a partner in life. I don't like sitting at school plays alone. I don't like sitting on my couch in pj's all the time watching netflix. and I have men all the time say, "I'd date you if you didn't have all those kids!" And I just go into a rage every single time some asshat does that to me. I say, "Listen. did I ask you out? No i didn't yet you feel the need to reject me because I have kids. well guess what if I had no kids I wouldn't go out with you!"

So anyway more and more I've been thinking - I sit at school plays all alone anyway. He doens't come with me. I sit at home in my jammies watching Netflix most nights because he won't take me out on dates.

And so I came across this article. I suggest everyone read it. It's really, really good. It basically says we idealize love. We think love is the endall of everything and that it fixes everything and it doesn't. It says "Love does not equal compatibility. Just because you fall in love with someone doesn't necessarily mean they're a good partner for you to be with over the long term. Love is an emotional process; compatibility is a logical process.

It's possible to fall in love with somebody who doesn't treat us well, who makes us feel worse about ourselves, who doesn't hold the same respect for us as we do for them, or who has such a dysfunctional life themselves that they threaten to bring us down with them."

and 2. Love does not solve your relationship problems.

and what applies to me very much.. 3. "Love is not always worth sacrificing yourself. One of the defining characteristics of loving someone is that you are able to think outside of yourself and your own needs to help care for another person and their needs as well. But the question that doesn't get asked often enough is exactly what are you sacrificing, and is it worth it?

In loving relationships, it’s normal for both people to occasionally sacrifice their own desires, their own needs, and their own time for one another. I would argue that this is normal and healthy and a big part of what makes a relationship so great.

But when it comes to sacrificing one’s self-respect, one’s dignity, one’s physical body, one’s ambitions and life purpose, just to be with someone, then that same love becomes problematic. A loving relationship is supposed to supplement our individual identity, not damage it or replace it. If we find ourselves in situations where we’re tolerating disrespectful or abusive behavior, then that’s essentially what we’re doing: we’re allowing our love to consume us and negate us, and if we’re not careful, it will leave us as a shell of the person we once were.

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Remember this: The only way you can fully enjoy the love in your life is to choose to make something else more important in your life than love.

You can fall in love with a wide variety of people throughout the course of your life. You can fall in love with people who are good for you and people who are bad for you. You can fall in love in healthy ways and unhealthy ways. You can fall in love when you’re young and when you’re old. Love is not unique. Love is not special. Love is not scarce.

But your self-respect is. So is your dignity. So is your ability to trust. There can potentially be many loves throughout your life, but once you lose your self-respect, your dignity or your ability to trust, they are very hard to get back.

Love is a wonderful experience. It’s one of the greatest experiences life has to offer. And it is something everyone should aspire to feel and enjoy.

But like any other experience, it can be healthy or unhealthy. Like any other experience, it cannot be allowed to define us, our identities or our life purpose. We cannot let it consume us. We cannot sacrifice our identities and self-worth to it. Because the moment we do that, we lose love and we lose ourselves.

Because you need more in life than love. Love is great. Love is necessary. Love is beautiful. But love is not enough."

So anyways, I suggest reading the whole thing. It's really good and I think I'm not scared to be alone now. I'm excited about the adventure I am going to go on. I am going to get out there and hang out with friends and go all the places I waited for him to take me to. I'm going to go eat at the restaurants on my own and with friends I kept waiting for him to take me too. I'm going to buy myself pretty flowers. It's going to be okay. I'm going to be not only be okay but I'm going to thrive!!!!! Just you watch me!