From the perspective of one of a 'bio mom' AND a 'step mom':
The blog posted by Janice/BIOMOM along with the comments that followed were both intriguing and thought provoking.
I have read all of your great points, and have to start by echoing what was said by Nymh...
This is where we come to vent.
And it has been very helpful and theraputic for me; this web site reflects a very narrow portion of who we are and what we feel (and even how we 'relate' to/interact with the ex's).
It's really not as much about 'bio mom's' as it is 'ex's' coming from their worst place: jealousy, rage, and revenge...
not a very flattering place for any of us.
It is comforting to know where I stand with my ex husband. I know that he and his girlfriend don't feel that way ('psycho'ex stuff) about me, because we share a great working relationship and friendship, as a result of a lot of hard work and TRULY putting our children first and our personal differences aside;
I am so grateful to have this as a 'testimonial': I know from personal experience, it can be done.
With that said, I have tried in vain for seven years to apply the same principles that work w/my ex to my 'relationship' with my husband's ex, before I realized that she is too toxic of a person to have healthy relationships with anyone, especially her ex husband's wife. She has a 'track record' of failed relationships a mile long to prove it.
I don't know about everyone else, but I've done everything
I can to 'take the high' road with her, and it has gotten me no further than if I'd just stood still and spun in circles.
And no, I cannot care (anymore) what she thinks of (or says about) me; I can't waste my time 'going there'.
Because, finally, she really doesn't matter anymore and I won't allow someone 'to live in my head without paying rent'.
Here is where I echo some of what Janice/biomom said: How sad....
Aloha, MJ
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Monica68... you've said it right.
I didn't post in the other thread because to be honest, I was alittle offended. I, like you, have tried and tried to reach my hand, have always been polite, and respectful of my SS's BM. She in turn, disrespected me, twisted and turned anything and everything I ever said to her against me, and she rejected me. Since then, I just smile, am very polite, brief and move on when it comes to contact with her. My DH handles all the communication with her... not me, because of her tatics.
I too have learned that she is not capbable of keeping or conducting healthy relationships, because she too has a track record to prove it... as well as, unruly, disruptive children as a result from it- literally. But what you have said is exactly what I wanted to say.
THANK YOU, AHEM!
That's a good point.
About smiling, being polite and then moving on. The venting that happens here is kind of like Vegas... what happens here stays here. I have my game face, too, that I put forth when dealing with the ex, especially when the kids are around listening/watching/absorbing. This is our safe haven, a place to let down our guard and call it like we see it without having to deal with retaliation from the BM. Well, from the BM of our skids, anyway.
~ Anne ~
Here here!
You said it! ;0)
Game face
That's a good one Anne
This is how I feel as well....nice as you try to be, there seems to come a point where it just seems futile. What else can you do after that? I have the added issues that come because she's not really my husband's ex, our relationship had never ended, and they had an affair together. The strange thing is that she sometimes acts like I'M the 'psycho' ex..that one really throws us. Anyway, it's a fine line to walk, and that's why I'm glad there's a place like this for all of us
Smile, smile, smile....
Doesn't the support we share feel great? Since I signed up here and 'vented' a few times, it is easier to put on that 'game face' and smile, smile, smile.
Aloha, MJ
Oh, yes I agree...
I SOOOO wish I and discovered this site sooner... believe me! lol
I think what makes it better is that we all have a common ground to share with each other, and we can nod and say... yep, been there, done that, here's what happened. I never had this support before, because none of my friends have had the same issue as me. They are all in their first marriage, or no children, etc etc. So, they really didn't know how to relate. They all mean well with their comments and advice, but they really didn't have a true understanding of some of the issues that goes on and on and on...
This site is fabulous... it is a blessing for me. I totally appreciate and respect everyone on here! ;0)
I've tried
I tried writing an e-mail to her (BM). It was very to the point. Our relationship has been rude, disrespectful, and mean both ways. I was trying to be the bigger person and try and start again.
She never responded to the e-mail. It is not in her best interest, I guess, to try and work together to raise her daughter.
Oh well, I tried.
This is why so many of us have these perceptions and opinions about BM's. They (BM) are not willing to work with SM for the betterment of the children.