LO...I think if he doesn't feel it, he shouldn't do it. His future wife, the one he wants to build a life with someday, will appreciate not having a stepkid to tangle with. I sometimes wish my dh didn't want to be a father figure to his ex-hog's kids.
I actually think there are MANY kids that were raised that way years ago and do NOT have the crazy hang ups of many kids of divorced parents today. It's funny that psychologists claim that it's better for a child to have divorced parents, than to live in an intact household constantly seeing arguments...yet for some reason, they still believe that being in TWO homes where there are ALSO arguments/animosity between the ex's, somehow is better to letting one of the parents walk away and the child to be raised by two other PARENTS who have a peaceful relationship. I believe our kids are very messed up today because of it and that yes, ideally both parents would get along after a divorce...but honestly, if they don't, I do believe that it is best for one parent to walk away and wait until the child is no longer controlled by the other parent to try to build a relationship. NOTHING good comes out of two ex's arguing and having the kid in the middle. Something good COULD come from one parent walking away, having the kid raised by one parent and a step-parent, and then having a relationship with the other parent once they become an adult.
I believe that every situation is different and these things should be handled according to what's in the child's best interests. However, generally speaking, it benefits the child to have his/her two parents in her life.
There are statistics that show that children from fatherless families are more likely to commit crime, become drug-addicts, rapists etc. No thanks.
I think it depends on the households but who really wants to bounce back and forth. I think many children have a home and a visitation place.
I know over the last year my BD12 has requested less bounce and more steady time with me here in my home. It changed from mom's house and dad's house to Home and Dad's. My daughter definately live here and visit their dad now - that came over time. My daughter are 80-20 with me.
SD12 lives here and visits her mom and SS7 clearly lives with his mom and visits here against his will. They are 50-50. All SS7 does when here is count down when he gets to go with his Mama. It hard on DH and frankly I think SS7 would be better off with his mother full time and us every other weekend visit only but DH won't hear of it.
I know its hard, but sometimes you need to do what is best for the kid - in this situation, SS7 has a very weird attachment to his mother and he hates being here, he can't wait to leave and he counts it down - why DH puts himself through that constant emotional beating 3-4 days a week I just don't understand.
If either of my daughter choose to live more with their father, its going to hurt but if that is what they really want - then I will honor it - but there won't be any bouncing on that decision.
idk - I think DH is being selfish and putting his own need for SS7 in his life before SS7's need to just live with his mother. Not saying its easy but I do feel its for the best. However since I can't approach it without the you hate my child being thrown down - I just post it here.
I could never be with a man who walked out on his kids. I think that's absolutely shameful.
Now, men have been fighting this battle to be considered an "equal" parent. They have been told for years that "mother is best" and have been relegated to the role of financial provider...and that's it. But men are standing up, saying, "wait, I'm a FATHER, not just an earner." Much like the feminist movement where women wanted to be equal to men, fathers are now fighting to be equal to mothers. And rightly so.
After DH left BM - his parents, DH's parents encourged him, begged him, flat out told him to walk out and leave it all behind, kids and all. I was shocked. I guess they hate BM that much that they wanted BM and everything attached to her out of his life forever.
Now I understand to some degree why his father was pushing so hard and why his mother threw a party when DH finally left BM. BM will use the kids against DH and the guilt that comes with him divorcing and breaking up the parents for his kids until the day she dies - and DH will allow it until then as well.
It would kill me to do it, but honestly if my child didn't want to stay in my home and was counting down the time till he could get back to his dad I would let that child go. That's not to say that you don't have contact, but just not overnight if it's too stressful on the child. I think it is pretty selfish to put your children through that. Why not just have dinner one or two nights a week and movies or something on the Saturday. Sure it would be more of a nusiance for the adults perhaps but if the child was more settled than that's all that matters.
omg that is hilarious. I was warned 100's of times by my friends, random people I worked with 'NEVER get involved with a man with kids, rethink this!!!' - what did I do? did it anyway. Don't regret it, just wished I was better informed.
OMG! This is exactly what happend to my husband many years before he even met me! He later confirmed that BM was never even on the pill but was looking specifically for a military man to get her pregnant in order for HER to gain all the military benefits!
In your case, what a horrible thing for BM to lie about and trick a man! I can't stand the double-standard that if the man walks away, then HE is the asshole. A woman should not purposely bring a child into this world when the partner doesn't intend or want to have a child with her. To me, that is more wrong than a man who walks away.
It isn't an issue about houses. It is an issue about parents. Kids are resilient. Kids relate to living with well-adjusted, happy adults. Yes, they might mourn the loss of having an intact family, but most children, given the choice and without either adult giving any input into their psyche, would choose two homes with two happy, mentally stable parents than one house filled with tension. And it is unfair to think that one parent should have custody with the other having minimal visitation so the kid doesn't have to live in two homes. Because who gets to CHOOSE who has custody? I guess it is easy if you're the mother and you think that you'll get the kids to think they should have one home.
Studies have been done ad nauseum to show that children need TWO parents even if it means two homes. It isn't the shifting back and forth, it is the drama, animosity and bullshit that one or both parents cause the child that messes them up. In fact, some very highly reputable psychologists have said that if the courts made shared custody (50/50) the norm and removed the ability for one parent to threaten and the fear a parent has about losing their children entirely, kids of divorce would be way better off because a) they'd have two loving parents, b) the disney bullshit would likely be reduced (not eliminated) because the focus could be on parenting vs. trying to one up the other parent to win in a custody battle and c) the animosity level would decrease due to the reduced fear (and thus secondary anger) involved.
My sd lives in two homes. She has two bedrooms. She gets two birthdays. She gets two Easters. Two Christmases. Two homes worth of vacations, entertainment, etc. Two wardrobes. She is hardly "put out" by it.
I think if parents and society stopped with all the "poor child of divorce" bullshit and actually acted like adults and taught children to COPE with their new circumstances instead of leading them to believe they're special little victims by fighting over them and coddling them, these kids would be great contributors to society. They'd learn to cope with disappointment and frustration. They'd learn to persevere. They'd learn to accept. Instead we cripple them by trying to make life easier at every turn.
But that is due to his parents inability to be parents, not because he has two houses.
I don't like my sd. And bm doesn't like sharing her daughter. I have to say I wouldn't be too thrilled if I suddenly had to share my son and not see him for 50% of his life, but it takes two people to have a child and assuming those two people both love their child is it fair for one of them to only see the child every other weekend.??
It isn't about what I want as a SM in SD's case. It isn't about what her mother wants. It isn't about what my dh wants. It is about a child who deserves to have the opportunity to have a relationship with BOTH of her parents. I don't even understand the question.
Why can't they stay with biomom? REally? Why? Because they have fathers and those fathers shouldn't be relegated to a financial source with no input into their child's life. What the hell makes the BM so damn more important that the father? Kids without fathers are PROVEN to have mental health problems, depression, anxiety, sexual promiscuity issues, social problems, etc. Why would you do that to a kid? This isn't about two homes. This is about SMs who don't want to deal with the kids OR (and I believe this is the OPs real intention) for the BMs who want sole custody.
I love my son with every cell in my body. I would be devastated if I couldn't spend every day with him. I am raising him. He is mine. But if my dh and I couldn't work things out I would never presume that he shouldn't see his father. Then again, my dh is actually a father. He actually parents. I would not have chosen him as the father of our son if I thought otherwise - and by thought I mean actually discussed and observed.
Because their constant going back and forth causes chaos for biokids, stepparents, inlaws, and a whole bunch of other factors. I don't agree with you sorry.
I'm with you on this one, freedomSM. Yes, I will admit I am a SM who would LOVE if SD would stay full time with her BM (we have her 50% of the time- every other week). BUT, putting that aside, I honestly feel the constant moving back & forth between 2 different houses- & 2 different LIVES- is extremely unstable for a kid.
I agree. Two houses with completely different dynamics, standards, and expectations causes more confusion. Especially if the two houses are 2,000+ miles apart or in another country!
In my 4 decades of living, so far I've seen this vary, from family to family. I was a young girl of divorce BUT, my dad had zero interest in even talking to me on the phone so how would 50/50 benefit me?
I've seen my eldest son benefit from my full custody with my ex-h, who had started to hit, his own son. We had to both literally flee, from this man. How would 50/50 benefit him?
I've seen SS8 BOUNCE back and forth, like a ping pong ball, from tw3o immature parents who could not work out stupid arguments, probably did not want SS8 in the first place, and still bounce this very confused child, back and forth. I feel VERY bad for this child.
I also am concerned about what BS1 might say, as he grows about the whole situation. Who is coming or going, etc.?
I think it depends on the parents, in every single individual situation.
The problem with the majority of custody battles these days is that at least one parent is usually more concerned with "winning" the battle than they are about the kids best interest.
No Bio Father should NOT walk away from a child! Yes there are many challenges for children going between 2 homes especially if they have a parent that likes to play guilt trips. But there are challenges to not having a father too.
How do you think kids feel when Father's Day comes around but they have no father. Or even if they have a father figure... the constent unknown about their father. My kids didn't see their father for 4 1/2 years. My DH was their only father figure. My DH and oldest BS started bumping heads. We figured out it was because my BS was starting to question if the grass would be green on the other side with his BF. It wasn't until he started seeing his BF again that he came to realize that things aren't as bad as he thought at our house!
I understand what you are saying. I honestly wished at times that I didn't have to send my kids up to their father's house... I have even thought my SDs would be better off if we could just have them 100% of the time without their mother's unside down parenting skills (or should I say friend skills).
But IMO there will still be some emotional and possibly behavioral problems that children living without a parent will always have! Heck even adopted children who nothing but two adopted parents their entire life, lots of times end up with some emotional scars from it!
DH and I have SD 4 every other week for the full week. So every Thursday, SD is going back & forth between houses. Talk about unstable. The kid never stops packing & unpacking. She doesn't have a real home anywhere, in my opinion, because she is constantly coming & going. BM got pregnant on purpose to try to keep DH around- DH didn't even want the kid but BM refused to get an abortion. I think BM needs to just take the kid- after all, she's the one who wanted it.
I have to assume anyone who thinks one home is best is a hypocrite. Sorry. From a sm and a bm point of view, I see SMs who are frustrated with the kids because they have two sets of rules, etc. or have disney parents vying for their attention and I see BMs who think they should be their children's sole custodian and I bet any single one of you would fight to the death to NOT be the every other weekend parent. It is HIGHLY hypocritical to assume that any parent should go without being a part of their child's life when I know damn well there is likely not one of you who would be ok with it if the judge said "fine, I see your argument how about if I take YOUR kid away from you?"
Well if two parents hate each other more than they love their kids, the kids are screwed anyway, regardless of how many houses they have. Any of you stop to think that perhaps these kids wouldn't be any different if they lived in one home? My SD would be WORSE if a) her parents were still together or b) she lived full-time with her mother. Sharing her isn't what makes her mother a disneyland asshole. Her mother IS a disneyland asshole who thinks her kid shits ice cream and farts sprinkles and without the balance OUR house provides she'd be a complete screw up. And would she be better off if she were here full-time? I doubt it. Why? Because despite her mother being a disneyland asshole, she loves her mother and not spending time with her would be detrimental to her.
How many kids on THIS board live with one parent because their BM is in jail, on drugs, voluntarily dumped them? They aren't any better off! They miss their parent. And would be easy as a mother to say "kids need their mothers and if they lived full-time with their mother they wouldn't miss their dads (also evident on this board)" and that is 100% due to PAS bullshit. So what you all are suggesting is perhaps kids should stay with an emotionally abusive mother who makes them think their father sucks then have to bounce back and forth? Kids need TWO parents. The problem is in many of the cases on this board is that they don't have ANY parents. THey have two asshats who are afraid of the kid not liking them and usually a stepmother that the parents can use a scapegoat. It is BAD PARENTING that is messing up kids of divorce, not the housing structure.
I totally see your point. I am not trying to be argumentative, either. I just don't know how you decide one parent is better than the other and that one parent should step back and be happy to "visit" his / her children 4 days a month (or 6 or 8).
Whatever. You're being childish. I can handle whatever you dish. I am being realistic. I watched my dh go through 3 years of a custody battle because he loves his kid. He shouldn't be shut out of her life simply because his ex-wife is a bitch. She is the reason his kid has issues. And she would cause that kid issues regardless of whether she had full-custody or eowe custody simply because she doesn't know how to parent and she is bitter and crazy.
I sense you are a bm and don't want to share your kids and that makes me sad for them. You and I both know that if the judge said "fine, I agree, one house is better than two, your exdh can have the kids", you'd change your tune about one house in a HEARTBEAT. Period. DOT.
Yawn. I am finished arguing with you. You're twisting your hatred into "it's better for the kids" just like my dh's ex wife did. You're justifying your selfishness for "their safety". Whatever. You're kidding yourself.
But again, it comes down to parenting, not two homes.
I agree people are entitled to their opinion. Hell, I even agree that there are cases where one home makes sense, but for someone to assume and put out here that all kids of divorce would be better off with one home and that the kids should stay with the BIOMOM, makes me wonder why they feel that way. I heard McCrazy's arguments for it and ALL of them were to benefit HER as the BM. Nothing to do with her kid. And if a lot of these BMs and DHs would step up their shit and put their kids first there wouldn't be a problem with two homes.
I think I clearly stated my point of view in an early comment and the OP completely ignores any logical argument to her statement, which makes me suspect that she is a BM. And she commented that she was "annoyed" - just that one word with my argument that any one of us here would fight tooth and nail to not be a weekend parent. Tells you something, doesn't it?
Anyway, she can target me and put little passive aggressive comments about how she can't respond to me because I can't take it all she wants - again reminds me of a bitter BM - won't change who I am. Won't change that I am a mature adult who loves my child more than I could ever hate his father. Won't change my opinion. Won't change hers.
Other than the few minutes it takes me to type responses it won't change my life one iota!
You raise a VERY valid point, SA. In cases where the dad is dumping those kids on his second wife, I absolutely agree the kids should be with their other parent and if that means one house, so be it. When I say both parents should be allowed to spend time and parent their children, I mean it literally, not just on paper. As much as I'd force myself to share custody with my child's father (if it ever came to that), I would fight tooth and nail to keep him if my ex was only dumping him on another woman. We all know that that leads to resentment by both that woman and the children and THAT is detrimental.
Again - a parenting issue (or lack of parenting issue), not a two house vs. one house issue.
Maybe that is why my perception is skewed. My dh actually does take his parenting role seriously. He hasn't expected me to pick up his slack and raise his daughter in lieu of her mother. Except on very rare occasion, when she is here, he is also here even with 50/50 custody. I am not acting as a pseudomother. I am just here as his wife. I offer support and guidance, but I am not taking on a parenting role. My dh fought for shared custody because he truly wants to be a parent. And he is.
It is very easy to blame BMs, PAS, and other crap for the issues some of these kids have, but we also need to keep in mind that if the dh is insisting on full / shared custody and then not around and leaving those kids with a woman that isn't their parent, that is leading these kids astray as well. Not fair to anyone involved.
And despite the OPs obvious hatred for me, I did mention somewhere else that I am adult enough to accept it causes some issues to have two homes and that there are certain instances where one home would be better. Adults can do that. Adults can see two perspectives and disagree without passive aggressive "I can't discuss this with you" comments.
I sense that the OP is a stepmother who so desperately wants to get rid of her stepkids that she doesn't give a rat's ass about the fact these kids need their fathers as well in their lives.
It doesn't matter if you know many single mothers that have raised their children well on their own. The statistics are very clear, no matter what anyone says:
Children from fatherless homes are:
• 15.3 times more likely to have behavioral disorders
• 4.6 times more likely to commit suicide
• 6.6 times more likely to become teenaged mothers
• 24.3 times more likely to run away
• 15.3 times more likely to have behavioral disorders
• 6.3 times more likely to be in a state-operated institutions
• 10.8 times more likely to commit rape
• 6.6 times more likely to drop out of school
• 15.3 times more likely to end up in prison while a teenage
• 73% of adolescent murderers come from mother only homes
• 6.3 times more likely to be in state operated institutions
Yeah, really. Beats having
Yeah, really. Beats having the skid living with you.
LO...I think if he doesn't
LO...I think if he doesn't feel it, he shouldn't do it. His future wife, the one he wants to build a life with someday, will appreciate not having a stepkid to tangle with. I sometimes wish my dh didn't want to be a father figure to his ex-hog's kids.
I actually think there are
I actually think there are MANY kids that were raised that way years ago and do NOT have the crazy hang ups of many kids of divorced parents today. It's funny that psychologists claim that it's better for a child to have divorced parents, than to live in an intact household constantly seeing arguments...yet for some reason, they still believe that being in TWO homes where there are ALSO arguments/animosity between the ex's, somehow is better to letting one of the parents walk away and the child to be raised by two other PARENTS who have a peaceful relationship. I believe our kids are very messed up today because of it and that yes, ideally both parents would get along after a divorce...but honestly, if they don't, I do believe that it is best for one parent to walk away and wait until the child is no longer controlled by the other parent to try to build a relationship. NOTHING good comes out of two ex's arguing and having the kid in the middle. Something good COULD come from one parent walking away, having the kid raised by one parent and a step-parent, and then having a relationship with the other parent once they become an adult.
I absolutely agree with
I absolutely agree with this!! There should be one house.
Even if there should be ONE
Even if there should be ONE house, noone says it should automatically be the BM.
nope. It should be many times
nope. It should be many times the biofather as the BM is incapable of acting like a good mom.
Right on...well said!
Right on...well said!
Best for the kiddo or best
Best for the kiddo or best for you? :?
I believe that every situation is different and these things should be handled according to what's in the child's best interests. However, generally speaking, it benefits the child to have his/her two parents in her life.
There are statistics that show that children from fatherless families are more likely to commit crime, become drug-addicts, rapists etc. No thanks.
I think it depends on the
I think it depends on the households but who really wants to bounce back and forth. I think many children have a home and a visitation place.
I know over the last year my BD12 has requested less bounce and more steady time with me here in my home. It changed from mom's house and dad's house to Home and Dad's. My daughter definately live here and visit their dad now - that came over time. My daughter are 80-20 with me.
SD12 lives here and visits her mom and SS7 clearly lives with his mom and visits here against his will. They are 50-50. All SS7 does when here is count down when he gets to go with his Mama. It hard on DH and frankly I think SS7 would be better off with his mother full time and us every other weekend visit only but DH won't hear of it.
I know its hard, but sometimes you need to do what is best for the kid - in this situation, SS7 has a very weird attachment to his mother and he hates being here, he can't wait to leave and he counts it down - why DH puts himself through that constant emotional beating 3-4 days a week I just don't understand.
If either of my daughter choose to live more with their father, its going to hurt but if that is what they really want - then I will honor it - but there won't be any bouncing on that decision.
idk - I think DH is being selfish and putting his own need for SS7 in his life before SS7's need to just live with his mother. Not saying its easy but I do feel its for the best. However since I can't approach it without the you hate my child being thrown down - I just post it here.
I could never be with a man
I could never be with a man who walked out on his kids. I think that's absolutely shameful.
Now, men have been fighting this battle to be considered an "equal" parent. They have been told for years that "mother is best" and have been relegated to the role of financial provider...and that's it. But men are standing up, saying, "wait, I'm a FATHER, not just an earner." Much like the feminist movement where women wanted to be equal to men, fathers are now fighting to be equal to mothers. And rightly so.
Yes, minors. Not adult
Yes, minors. Not adult losers.
After DH left BM - his
After DH left BM - his parents, DH's parents encourged him, begged him, flat out told him to walk out and leave it all behind, kids and all. I was shocked. I guess they hate BM that much that they wanted BM and everything attached to her out of his life forever.
Now I understand to some degree why his father was pushing so hard and why his mother threw a party when DH finally left BM. BM will use the kids against DH and the guilt that comes with him divorcing and breaking up the parents for his kids until the day she dies - and DH will allow it until then as well.
Father knew best.
It would kill me to do it,
It would kill me to do it, but honestly if my child didn't want to stay in my home and was counting down the time till he could get back to his dad I would let that child go. That's not to say that you don't have contact, but just not overnight if it's too stressful on the child. I think it is pretty selfish to put your children through that. Why not just have dinner one or two nights a week and movies or something on the Saturday. Sure it would be more of a nusiance for the adults perhaps but if the child was more settled than that's all that matters.
'Friends don't let friends
'Friends don't let friends become stepparents!" =
omg that is hilarious. I was warned 100's of times by my friends, random people I worked with 'NEVER get involved with a man with kids, rethink this!!!' - what did I do? did it anyway. Don't regret it, just wished I was better informed.
OMG! This is exactly what
OMG! This is exactly what happend to my husband many years before he even met me! He later confirmed that BM was never even on the pill but was looking specifically for a military man to get her pregnant in order for HER to gain all the military benefits!
In your case, what a horrible thing for BM to lie about and trick a man! I can't stand the double-standard that if the man walks away, then HE is the asshole. A woman should not purposely bring a child into this world when the partner doesn't intend or want to have a child with her. To me, that is more wrong than a man who walks away.
It isn't an issue about
It isn't an issue about houses. It is an issue about parents. Kids are resilient. Kids relate to living with well-adjusted, happy adults. Yes, they might mourn the loss of having an intact family, but most children, given the choice and without either adult giving any input into their psyche, would choose two homes with two happy, mentally stable parents than one house filled with tension. And it is unfair to think that one parent should have custody with the other having minimal visitation so the kid doesn't have to live in two homes. Because who gets to CHOOSE who has custody? I guess it is easy if you're the mother and you think that you'll get the kids to think they should have one home.
Studies have been done ad nauseum to show that children need TWO parents even if it means two homes. It isn't the shifting back and forth, it is the drama, animosity and bullshit that one or both parents cause the child that messes them up. In fact, some very highly reputable psychologists have said that if the courts made shared custody (50/50) the norm and removed the ability for one parent to threaten and the fear a parent has about losing their children entirely, kids of divorce would be way better off because a) they'd have two loving parents, b) the disney bullshit would likely be reduced (not eliminated) because the focus could be on parenting vs. trying to one up the other parent to win in a custody battle and c) the animosity level would decrease due to the reduced fear (and thus secondary anger) involved.
My sd lives in two homes. She has two bedrooms. She gets two birthdays. She gets two Easters. Two Christmases. Two homes worth of vacations, entertainment, etc. Two wardrobes. She is hardly "put out" by it.
I think if parents and society stopped with all the "poor child of divorce" bullshit and actually acted like adults and taught children to COPE with their new circumstances instead of leading them to believe they're special little victims by fighting over them and coddling them, these kids would be great contributors to society. They'd learn to cope with disappointment and frustration. They'd learn to persevere. They'd learn to accept. Instead we cripple them by trying to make life easier at every turn.
But that is due to his
But that is due to his parents inability to be parents, not because he has two houses.
I don't like my sd. And bm doesn't like sharing her daughter. I have to say I wouldn't be too thrilled if I suddenly had to share my son and not see him for 50% of his life, but it takes two people to have a child and assuming those two people both love their child is it fair for one of them to only see the child every other weekend.??
It isn't about what I want as a SM in SD's case. It isn't about what her mother wants. It isn't about what my dh wants. It is about a child who deserves to have the opportunity to have a relationship with BOTH of her parents. I don't even understand the question.
Why can't they stay with biomom? REally? Why? Because they have fathers and those fathers shouldn't be relegated to a financial source with no input into their child's life. What the hell makes the BM so damn more important that the father? Kids without fathers are PROVEN to have mental health problems, depression, anxiety, sexual promiscuity issues, social problems, etc. Why would you do that to a kid? This isn't about two homes. This is about SMs who don't want to deal with the kids OR (and I believe this is the OPs real intention) for the BMs who want sole custody.
I love my son with every cell in my body. I would be devastated if I couldn't spend every day with him. I am raising him. He is mine. But if my dh and I couldn't work things out I would never presume that he shouldn't see his father. Then again, my dh is actually a father. He actually parents. I would not have chosen him as the father of our son if I thought otherwise - and by thought I mean actually discussed and observed.
Because their constant going
Because their constant going back and forth causes chaos for biokids, stepparents, inlaws, and a whole bunch of other factors. I don't agree with you sorry.
*
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SMDH - the issues with
SMDH - the issues with friendships are caused by having two homes, two neighbourhoods, two lives essentially....not the bioparents.
I'm with you on this one,
I'm with you on this one, freedomSM. Yes, I will admit I am a SM who would LOVE if SD would stay full time with her BM (we have her 50% of the time- every other week). BUT, putting that aside, I honestly feel the constant moving back & forth between 2 different houses- & 2 different LIVES- is extremely unstable for a kid.
I agree. Two houses with
I agree. Two houses with completely different dynamics, standards, and expectations causes more confusion. Especially if the two houses are 2,000+ miles apart or in another country!
My "two cents"; In my 4
My "two cents";
In my 4 decades of living, so far I've seen this vary, from family to family. I was a young girl of divorce BUT, my dad had zero interest in even talking to me on the phone so how would 50/50 benefit me?
I've seen my eldest son benefit from my full custody with my ex-h, who had started to hit, his own son. We had to both literally flee, from this man. How would 50/50 benefit him?
I've seen SS8 BOUNCE back and forth, like a ping pong ball, from tw3o immature parents who could not work out stupid arguments, probably did not want SS8 in the first place, and still bounce this very confused child, back and forth. I feel VERY bad for this child.
I also am concerned about what BS1 might say, as he grows about the whole situation. Who is coming or going, etc.?
I think it depends on the
I think it depends on the parents, in every single individual situation.
The problem with the majority of custody battles these days is that at least one parent is usually more concerned with "winning" the battle than they are about the kids best interest.
The kid loses every time in those situations.
No Bio Father should NOT walk
No Bio Father should NOT walk away from a child! Yes there are many challenges for children going between 2 homes especially if they have a parent that likes to play guilt trips. But there are challenges to not having a father too.
How do you think kids feel when Father's Day comes around but they have no father. Or even if they have a father figure... the constent unknown about their father. My kids didn't see their father for 4 1/2 years. My DH was their only father figure. My DH and oldest BS started bumping heads. We figured out it was because my BS was starting to question if the grass would be green on the other side with his BF. It wasn't until he started seeing his BF again that he came to realize that things aren't as bad as he thought at our house!
What about staying with the
What about staying with the Biofather 100% of the time?
ONE HOUSE! ONE LIFE.....not split lives/split personalities.
I understand what you are
I understand what you are saying. I honestly wished at times that I didn't have to send my kids up to their father's house... I have even thought my SDs would be better off if we could just have them 100% of the time without their mother's unside down parenting skills (or should I say friend skills).
But IMO there will still be some emotional and possibly behavioral problems that children living without a parent will always have! Heck even adopted children who nothing but two adopted parents their entire life, lots of times end up with some emotional scars from it!
DH and I have SD 4 every
DH and I have SD 4 every other week for the full week. So every Thursday, SD is going back & forth between houses. Talk about unstable. The kid never stops packing & unpacking. She doesn't have a real home anywhere, in my opinion, because she is constantly coming & going. BM got pregnant on purpose to try to keep DH around- DH didn't even want the kid but BM refused to get an abortion. I think BM needs to just take the kid- after all, she's the one who wanted it.
I have to assume anyone who
I have to assume anyone who thinks one home is best is a hypocrite. Sorry. From a sm and a bm point of view, I see SMs who are frustrated with the kids because they have two sets of rules, etc. or have disney parents vying for their attention and I see BMs who think they should be their children's sole custodian and I bet any single one of you would fight to the death to NOT be the every other weekend parent. It is HIGHLY hypocritical to assume that any parent should go without being a part of their child's life when I know damn well there is likely not one of you who would be ok with it if the judge said "fine, I see your argument how about if I take YOUR kid away from you?"
*annoyed
*annoyed
Well if two parents hate each
Well if two parents hate each other more than they love their kids, the kids are screwed anyway, regardless of how many houses they have. Any of you stop to think that perhaps these kids wouldn't be any different if they lived in one home? My SD would be WORSE if a) her parents were still together or b) she lived full-time with her mother. Sharing her isn't what makes her mother a disneyland asshole. Her mother IS a disneyland asshole who thinks her kid shits ice cream and farts sprinkles and without the balance OUR house provides she'd be a complete screw up. And would she be better off if she were here full-time? I doubt it. Why? Because despite her mother being a disneyland asshole, she loves her mother and not spending time with her would be detrimental to her.
How many kids on THIS board live with one parent because their BM is in jail, on drugs, voluntarily dumped them? They aren't any better off! They miss their parent. And would be easy as a mother to say "kids need their mothers and if they lived full-time with their mother they wouldn't miss their dads (also evident on this board)" and that is 100% due to PAS bullshit. So what you all are suggesting is perhaps kids should stay with an emotionally abusive mother who makes them think their father sucks then have to bounce back and forth? Kids need TWO parents. The problem is in many of the cases on this board is that they don't have ANY parents. THey have two asshats who are afraid of the kid not liking them and usually a stepmother that the parents can use a scapegoat. It is BAD PARENTING that is messing up kids of divorce, not the housing structure.
"THey have two asshats who
"THey have two asshats who are afraid of the kid not liking them and usually a stepmother that the parents can use a scapegoat. " - that I agree on.
I totally see your point. I
I totally see your point. I am not trying to be argumentative, either. I just don't know how you decide one parent is better than the other and that one parent should step back and be happy to "visit" his / her children 4 days a month (or 6 or 8).
*oh F for real?
*oh F for real?
*keep having to delete my
*keep having to delete my responses to your crap. Too truthful for you to handle
Whatever. You're being
Whatever. You're being childish. I can handle whatever you dish. I am being realistic. I watched my dh go through 3 years of a custody battle because he loves his kid. He shouldn't be shut out of her life simply because his ex-wife is a bitch. She is the reason his kid has issues. And she would cause that kid issues regardless of whether she had full-custody or eowe custody simply because she doesn't know how to parent and she is bitter and crazy.
I sense you are a bm and don't want to share your kids and that makes me sad for them. You and I both know that if the judge said "fine, I agree, one house is better than two, your exdh can have the kids", you'd change your tune about one house in a HEARTBEAT. Period. DOT.
Yawn. I am finished arguing with you. You're twisting your hatred into "it's better for the kids" just like my dh's ex wife did. You're justifying your selfishness for "their safety". Whatever. You're kidding yourself.
But again, it comes down to
But again, it comes down to parenting, not two homes.
I agree people are entitled to their opinion. Hell, I even agree that there are cases where one home makes sense, but for someone to assume and put out here that all kids of divorce would be better off with one home and that the kids should stay with the BIOMOM, makes me wonder why they feel that way. I heard McCrazy's arguments for it and ALL of them were to benefit HER as the BM. Nothing to do with her kid. And if a lot of these BMs and DHs would step up their shit and put their kids first there wouldn't be a problem with two homes.
I think I clearly stated my point of view in an early comment and the OP completely ignores any logical argument to her statement, which makes me suspect that she is a BM. And she commented that she was "annoyed" - just that one word with my argument that any one of us here would fight tooth and nail to not be a weekend parent. Tells you something, doesn't it?
Anyway, she can target me and put little passive aggressive comments about how she can't respond to me because I can't take it all she wants - again reminds me of a bitter BM - won't change who I am. Won't change that I am a mature adult who loves my child more than I could ever hate his father. Won't change my opinion. Won't change hers.
Other than the few minutes it takes me to type responses it won't change my life one iota!
You raise a VERY valid point,
You raise a VERY valid point, SA. In cases where the dad is dumping those kids on his second wife, I absolutely agree the kids should be with their other parent and if that means one house, so be it. When I say both parents should be allowed to spend time and parent their children, I mean it literally, not just on paper. As much as I'd force myself to share custody with my child's father (if it ever came to that), I would fight tooth and nail to keep him if my ex was only dumping him on another woman. We all know that that leads to resentment by both that woman and the children and THAT is detrimental.
Again - a parenting issue (or lack of parenting issue), not a two house vs. one house issue.
Maybe that is why my perception is skewed. My dh actually does take his parenting role seriously. He hasn't expected me to pick up his slack and raise his daughter in lieu of her mother. Except on very rare occasion, when she is here, he is also here even with 50/50 custody. I am not acting as a pseudomother. I am just here as his wife. I offer support and guidance, but I am not taking on a parenting role. My dh fought for shared custody because he truly wants to be a parent. And he is.
It is very easy to blame BMs, PAS, and other crap for the issues some of these kids have, but we also need to keep in mind that if the dh is insisting on full / shared custody and then not around and leaving those kids with a woman that isn't their parent, that is leading these kids astray as well. Not fair to anyone involved.
And despite the OPs obvious hatred for me, I did mention somewhere else that I am adult enough to accept it causes some issues to have two homes and that there are certain instances where one home would be better. Adults can do that. Adults can see two perspectives and disagree without passive aggressive "I can't discuss this with you" comments.
I sense that the OP is a
I sense that the OP is a stepmother who so desperately wants to get rid of her stepkids that she doesn't give a rat's ass about the fact these kids need their fathers as well in their lives.
It doesn't matter if you know many single mothers that have raised their children well on their own. The statistics are very clear, no matter what anyone says:
Children from fatherless homes are:
• 15.3 times more likely to have behavioral disorders
• 4.6 times more likely to commit suicide
• 6.6 times more likely to become teenaged mothers
• 24.3 times more likely to run away
• 15.3 times more likely to have behavioral disorders
• 6.3 times more likely to be in a state-operated institutions
• 10.8 times more likely to commit rape
• 6.6 times more likely to drop out of school
• 15.3 times more likely to end up in prison while a teenage
• 73% of adolescent murderers come from mother only homes
• 6.3 times more likely to be in state operated institutions