Stepson relationship
I have been thinking about this and wondering. I have been a stepmom for 6 years now and at first my twin SS were 7 and now they are 13. I originally thought they would just like me and everthing would be great. I used to hug them and show them affection. Over the years things have changed, we moved into a bigger house with lots of more chores and responsibilities and we moved to the town where they went to school so we could see them more and I had 2 more children, 3 and 1 y/o. Life has just been very busy.
It seems our relationship has kind of dwindled down to not much. I know they respect me, but I definitely have more rules and less time for them. Their biomom on the other hand has lots of time for them but pushes them off on us and she has no rules or chores or any responsibility---hmm must be nice!! She also has made them so scared to show any affection towards me because it might hurt her feelings.
What do you you think if I was to just start hugging them more and showing them basically that I love them. This is not to get back at biomom but more that I feel they need it and I want them to know that I am there for them. I just wonder if it is too late. They are 13 and starting to do their own thing but I really do want them to know that I care about them. I wonder if they think that all of the sudden I am trying to replace their mom. I don't know they are really sensitive and one time one was crying and I tried to find out what was wrong and he wouldn't even talk to me and when I hugged him and told him I was here if he needed it he didn't even hug me back. Would they be in shock if I started acting different? How could I slowly do this? Anyways, I have been pondering this for some time and now I found a place to VENT and maybe get some advice. Thanks
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Comments
Children at age 13 are
Children at age 13 are pretty independent and show less of affection. I have nieces and nephews and I noticed that they rather do things on their own and don't want to hang out with aunty anymore. They do however love it when you show you care about them. Talking to them like a friend to ask what's going on w/them and showing them you love them is good. I think you should set aside more time w/them and see how it is from there. Children need attention and love no matter what age they are. Never mind about biomom's action towards them, focus on your relationship w/them. Don't compare yourself w/biomom regarding the children...ultimately the children will know for themselves as to "WHO" really cares. Hope this helps.
Do what comes natural to you
I have a 13 yr old SD and we have only known each other a couple of years and she has made life very difficult for me and still does at times
but through it all I have been consistent in my approach with her - treat me like you want me to treat you, respect me like you want to be respected - I do make special time for her and me where we go the movies or go for a coffee or shopping and that has really helped us to bond - after about the first 6 months of knowing her I started to tell her I loved her and she never once said it back but just recently every once in a while she'll say it and although she'll never love me like she loves her mom and I would never expect her to I do believe she knows I care about her even when she can't stand me or she's breaking my rules I just keep telling her I love her, I think consistency is the key to showing our SKs we care. I'd say it's never to late - has your husband talked to them one on one about it? They'll be around for a long long time and life for sure will be better for everyone if relationships are strong. Good luck.
If they are open to it hug them
My family, even extended family, were very demonstrative. A hug or kiss when you see them, & the same when you are leaving. I always carried this on with all the people I care about, be it family or friends. Then when I married into my husbands family, who are mostly Belgian & French, the kiss on each cheek was just great.
So I say just try it. Don't worry about others, if it makes the children & you feel closer that's great.