I'm kind of scared to 'open [this] can of worms'...
Okay, *deep breath* here goes: My husband and I have been married a little over 7 years. He and I each had a boy and a girl when we got married (my daughter was 9, and my son was 6, his son was 5 and his daughter was 3).
My children were very angry and resentful of my new husband from the start. He is a very kind, loving man, and they were angry, mean and abusive after the first year, for about 3-4 years. He did not come in and 'try to be the dad' I've required that they be respectful to him, because "he is my husband, period."
And it's been a constant battle.
I know that there are tons of theories and opinions out there on the role of the step parent, but the real issue here is that my husband is finally pissed off and fed up.
(I am a step child, step mom, bio mom; I've experienced a lot, so I didn't go into this blindly, we had some 'ground rules' went to 'pre-marital counseling' to figure out our 'roles'... his kids have never been as mean to me as mine have to him (His ex has been a NIGHTMARE)I think if the situation were reversed and I had to put up with the abuse he has, I'd have left years ago!)
After about 4-5 years of marriage, things started to turn...my daughter (16) and my son (13) started to see that he has always loved them unconditionally and supported them-with dad mostly absent, he really treats them as his own.
They love my husband and are starting to appreciate him and all that he's done for them (finally) literally, as he is turning 'bitter'.
UGH.
I've tried back and forth to explain the situation to them all individually and collectively, and nobody wants to 'give' at this point, to get along...my husband feels 'justified' in his anger and resentment and now the children argue thier justification in not having to respect him, because "he's being a [jerk]" (not their exact choice of words).
I hate being in the middle, and try to step back to see if they'll work things out, but it's starting to get too ugly, too fast!
I understand both points of view, he has been under an extreme amount of pressure lately (resumed fighting with the ex) and can be mean and unfair, now...but that doesn't give them 'the right' to disrespect him! He would say he is this way because of their disrespect...I say: "what came first, the chicken or the egg? AND DOES IT REALLY MATTER?" Help.
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R-E-S-P-E-C-T
Kids, SKIDS, whatever need to learn to be repectful to legitimate authority. At worst, they should treat him no differently than a teacher. At best, for the parental figure he is, regardless of his step status. Kids today belive I do not have to respect you until you respect me. And teenagers seem to think they can mouth off with absolutley no consequences. I guess I can realate to your DH, you just get so sick of trying that you disengage, and teens let's face it--it's all about them. If they have a bad day the world stops, if we have a bad day they take it personally. Bio or Not. Solutions?? I am working at keeping my marriage together... keep the spark going, with the realisation that some day the kids/SKIDS may get it.
You know what..
They are all being very selfish.. Who is being pulled none of them.. YOU the one person they love.. I think I would have to sit all of them down and tell them how you feel for once.. Your husband being the adult should take the high rode here.. Your kids need to respect him for who he is which is there Step Father.. They need to equally respect your decision of being with him.
Children will be gone and start there own lives one of these days.. Trust me I am the ex, SM and was a SK and no its not easy for none of us.. But its all about respect.. None of them are showing you any respect and they are all only thinking about themselves.. Put your foot down..
Tell your kids is it fair that you give up the man you love and grow old alone? Is that fair?
Tell your husband is it fair to make you choose between them and you.. Put your foot down to all of them. They are not distraught over this like you are.. You are in the middle playing referee..(sp)..
You have listened to all of them now they need to listen to you.. Cry do whatever you have too. If you have to scream shut up or do something unlike yourself usually to get there attention, do it..
Best of luck... Happy
RE:
I agree with happy. Put your foot down. Let the kids know that when they disrespect your DH, they're disrespecting you, and you will NOT allow disrespect of ANY kind in your home. Let your DH know that you understand that he's tired and under a lot of stress but that this is going to take effort from everyone's side and as long as he's your husband then they're going to be a part of his life, may as well try to make the best of it that he can. No one is "justified" in treating someone else as any less than FAMILY. Regardless of how hard the past has been or how one may not particularly be in a good mood, that doesn't change the fact that you're all family and YOU shouldn't be the only one making an effort at unity. Like happy said, the only one that's really suffering the full weight of this situation is you, while they all throw their respective temper-tantrums and you're stuck in the middle trying to make peace. Your children are both old enough now to understand respect. Do they treat the rest of their relatives this way? Or their teachers at school?
These are all just my thoughts and I can't even begin to pretend that I know what you're going through, as I have no children of my own. Good luck with everything and let us know how it goes, especially if you end up having a talk with everyone.
*~So sayeth Nymh~*
Hi monica68,I think the
Hi monica68,
I think the problem is you - not in a negative sense, but that you are the go-between. I think you should step out of ALL dynamics entirely and let the kids and the step-father deal with each other one to one. I would not 'arrange' a big family meeting - those are contrived and consequently unsuccessful. Instead, ANY time that your husband asks/talks to you about the kids, I would say "You should talk to/ask them about that." And do the same things with the kids. Refer them to each other and do not under any circumstances give in and answer for either party or facilate matters. Eventually they will turn to each other and deal with things in their own way. That is what is missing.
I am a 36 yr old who lived 25 yrs with a step-mother. One of the biggest problems has been my father's interferance.
I honestly think that relationships between step-parents and step-children are similar to those between friends. You cannot cultivate a relationship with someone with whom you have no direct contact. Think about it... all lasting and honest friendships are built by those 2 people involved.
You must be strong willed and rigid with yourself, and above all, don't worry about it. Things will turn out well, in their own time once both parties can see and expereince each other without you. Remember, these things take time, months. Start now and don't go back to being the go-between, ever.
Good luck.
HMMMM....
I think I may have tried that before, seriously, I can't remember! I will try again, because it has worked with the ex-wife, and she's a selfish child!!! Thank you,
Aloha, MJ
WOW!
Thanks so much to all of you...what great responses! There wasn't ONE that I disagreed with! I was out of town for a few days, and couldn't get online....what great support to come back to!
Aloha, MJ