WOW...this is so sad for you. I really have no advice just try to hang in there. You sound like you have a great heart.

What you said is how I feel too. I think the reward comes when their grown and as adults will thank you and tell you what a good mother you have been to them. Right now their at the age where their not mature enough to give you the credit you deserve. All kids love their BM and BD no matter how sorry they are. As they get older they learn to see life for what it is good and bad.

I think for me I hate sharing ss because I do take care of him like he was my own and it hurts to see him love BM so much. At the end of the days you can't really blame sm or skids for their feeling because I just think its natural to feel those things. Who I blame is BMs that don't take their parenting role serious and really don't give a shit unless it suits them too. Sad but true.

I feel like this all the time. BM2 and BM3 think I should do all the parenting, but they want to make darn sure they get every holiday, every fun activity, etc. BM3 has been surprised a few times lately when she has mentioned things that need to be done for SD6.

BM3: SD6 needs some new clothes for summer. Gee I sure am broke.

Me: Yeah, I hear ya. Times are tough all around. Hey, how was your trip out of town to a resort with your sister last weekend? Remember, the weekend that I had your sick kid here throwing up all over my house all weekend?

BM3: SD6's therapy appointment is Tuesday, and I don't have any more paid time off.

Me: That's probably the thing about being self employed that I like the least. No paid time off. Thank goodness it's only an hour and a half. Including pickup and drop off from school, you'll probably only have to take two hours off! Yay.

BM3: Can you watch your phone between 4 and 5:30, so I can text you when I get off work and you can have her ready when I get here?

Me: You mean in addition to dealing with my other 6 children, homework, cooking dinner, and providing you with free daycare? No, I'll be honest, it's not real likely to happen. I'll tell ya what, though, you're more than welcome to come on in and gather up her coat and shoes and backpack yourself and pretend you're a parent, since this isn't a pizza place, nor is it the drive thru window at Burger King where you get it your way.

>Her BM and half sis both attack her for calling me Mom<

Reading that got my blood boiling. Donkeykong said something similar to SS way back. It had to do with "Father's Day" and SS getting sh*t for daring to want to get me and his Dad the same father's day gift. Personally speaking I don't care what my SS calls me. "Dad", "Step-dad", "Draco", or "Sultan-of-Beer". I really don't care so long as the respect is there. I just don't understand the need for an adult (talking about that BM of yours) to have their shattered ego appeased by forcing SD to change how she calls you. Poor kid doesn't know which side of the fence to lean towards.

I think you need to try and take the pressure off yourself and stop pushing a relationship which is starting to feel forced to you, and probably to them. There is nothing wrong with a fond but slightly 'surface' relationship. Given the challenges of step-parenting that can be a real achievement. I know it feels like a come down or a failure because you had high aspirations of raising them like your own. But it's not, it's just the reality of a complex situation. If you can accept that and stop setting yourself an unrealistic emotional challenge you will be much happier.

I wasn't a custodial stepmother of very young children as you have been, my youngest steps were 5 and 7 when I started out and I was non custodial, but I still got hurt as I came to realise I could never hold a place in their hearts like their parents. The reality is that your steps are probably never going to be able to love you the way they love their bio parents. It doesn't matter how crappy they are, or how great you are, children reserve their unconditional love for their parents and that's how it is. They don't have to qualify for their child's love, and you can't pass a parenting test or put in more hours and be 'better' than their mum. Often the less they see their mother and the more erratic her behaviour the more the child yearns for their mother's time and attention. Unfortunately it's like the prodigal mother. Your efforts, because they are consistent and secure, are really important to SS and SD in ways they don't even understand, but they don't stand out to them the way their mother's occasional efforts do.

The other factor is that your stepchildren were so young when you got involved. Young children often have a lot of affection to give, that natural affection can fool a stepparent into thinking that they hold a more special place in their stepchild's heart than they actually do. When the child grows up a little and become more self contained and independent stepmums end up crushed by the realisation that they were not quite as loved as they thought. By the time these children reach puberty and are on the hormone rollercoaster they are often looking for any excuse to disregard authority and at that point the delicate relationship with a stepparent can fail altogether.

So you have given a huge amount of time and effort to nurturing these children, but you are instinctively recognising that you need to step back and stop putting so much of yourself on the line. The best thing you can do is reset your expectations. You could continue to have a very good relationship with SS and SD, if you protect your heart a little, stop trying to be their mother, and focus on your son, and being a stepmother instead.

I can't speak from step parent experience.

But stepkid......

I really didn't get it until my stepdad told my mom that when I was done with my marriage I needed to pack up my baby and move home. That was a pivot point of our relationship.

He was no longer my moms husband. My stepdad.

He was my dad. He was my daughters grandpa. And he walked on water.

Just an FYI, they NCP whole I was growing up.