We had our first appointment yesterday. FDH was not thrilled about going and it showed. The counselor even commented about his body language.

She talked with us about multiple things and although it went okay. I know I got extremely frustrated because he was saying things differently then what he said before. I did call him out on a few things and said that is opposite of what you said previously. FDH got a little upset when I called him out about the differences.

The counselor asked what was the biggest problem and I said his son. He treats his son as if he is the partner and I am the child. He makes excuses for everything his son says or does and never holds him accountable for anything. I also said that I was tired of the double standard and that me and my dd are held to a much higher standard than his kids. FDH said that those are his kids and he will protect them regardless whether they are right or wrong, they will always come first and he will always stand up for them. The counselor said that yes, it was okay to protect them but that he can't push the blame onto me or my dd. She asked what I would like him to do to fix this...... I said that all I've ever asked him to do is not allow it, to stop it while it was happening. Then went on to say that at this point, if FDH said to his kids, when they came complaining that I didn't talk to them or I did/didn't do this or that,if he just said - I don't want to hear about it unless you are being abused - that if he said that it would stop the crap - or at least slow it down some. It may give us a chance to work through this. He wouldn't feel like he's in the middle.

We also talked about the fact that he expects me to do 'mom' things for his kids (who btw are 18 & 16) and not have any say in anything. I brought up the fact that he expects me to work full time, clean, cook, do laundry, etc. all the while his precious kids do nothing but make more messes. I said I would not have a problem doing all that IF I quit working, but the fact is I like working and we couldn't afford for me not to work. The way I was brought up everyone pitched in, we all did stuff regardless if you were a boy or a girl. I said that I felt FDH didn't respect me, and expected that when me & my dd moved in he wanted us to become maids to him and his kids. He said no, the girls would both pitch in.. I told him that no, you and your son would also pitch in. The counselor did agree that because we came from different backgrounds and that since FDH did not allow me to have a say in things that HE should continue to do things for his kids and not expect me or my dd to do anything for them. That when they are there, HE should clean up after them, do their laundry, cook, etc., that there should be no expectation that I would do these things.

We both agreed that things have gotten so bad that we are not sure if it can be fixed. The counselor suggested that if we want to fix things then we do need to sit down and talk. I said that I would be willing to do that, but it would have to be at a neutral place, not at his house or my house. FDH didn't like that because it takes away his control, his comfort - as well as his kids. But, this was the only way I would do it. The counselor said that each of us should write down 2-3 things that bother us and start it with 'I' instead of 'you' so that it doesn't make the other person feel like they are being attacked. She said we should try and do this before the next appointment. It basically ended at that.

We set up the next appt. which of course FDH said that he wasn't sure if he would attend. On the drive back to my house, we didn't say a word to each other. We pulled up, and he said he was going home, said goodbye and that was it. Do I think that we will be able to work things out..... no, I really don't. But I do love him and would like to work it all out, but I can't do it on my own and I refuse to be used or be their doormat. If he is not willing to compromise, and it's only me compromising, then it will never work, the resentment and anger will build up even more.