There is no way I would marry someone with kids who tells me I have no say about how to raise them in 'our' house... especially if we plan to have kids together or I already had a child from a previous relationship that is also blending.

I could not handle having this 'parellel' family in my own house which I'm not part of and contributing to.

No way, no how. He wants to be a single dad... let him.

that you have to have a central and integral role in his life and the life of his kid you don't want to meld your life with his. Really you don't. Trust me. Trust us (the STalkers).

As a spouse and a Sparent you have absolute equal say over anything that is integral to your life, marriage, home or consumption of your family resources. Skids are a component of all of these and you get an equity position and say in everything. Regardless of what BM thinks and regardless of what your FH thinks.

If he refuses to see this, or refuses to agree and participate in preparation for your marriage (counseling, etc....) then put his ass on ice and your nuptials on hold.

Just my thoughts of course.

Good luck and best regards,

Success is rarely final. Failure is rarely fatal. It is character, courage and consistency of effort that count. Vince Lombardi (with some minor Rags modifications) To each according to their performance, screw Karl Marx. (Rags)

i would read lots of posts on here and see what you are getting in to! I too am getting married this month..1week actually, and i have been back and fourth because of bm and ss drama. BUT my husband to be allows me to parent equally with him in or home, bm has NO control or say so in how our home is operated, and fh and i have made sure that our relationship is the first and foremost priority! some would say the kid should be, but we are able to put us first because we both obviously will do whats best for ss, that goes with out saying, therefore our marriage and home will be the priority. fh has been willing to get counseling with me, and is just as able as i am to admit that he does not always handle things correctly, and actually learns from it and improves as we go along. having said all that, it still is an uphill battle everyday, simply because i have chosen to marry a man that has a child with another woman. what you described seems like you are in for (to put it bluntly) HELL. I would say that if he isnt willing to go to therapy now for you, he wont ever go, and like some members on here...close to a year, they are now going through divorce.

I'm with everyone else on this one too. Do not....repeat....do not get married if he is not willing to discuss and agree on your role as his wife and the stepMOTHER to these kids.

Being a Sparent is difficult enough without being told not to care, that it isn't your problem. Sorry but it is your problem because once the kids figure out you have no say in your own home, you will not have a moment of peace. You will be considered less than nothing. You will hate going home, and begin to resent your husband and his kids for treating you this way.

Please take our advice to heart. Work this out before the "I do's" or we can all pretty much guarantee you will end up miserable in your own home.

Good luck and please keep us all posted!

“Be like a duck. Calm on the surface, but always paddling like the dickens underneath.”
Michael Caine

You need to put your foot down now about counseling. If he refuses, then you need to halt the wedding, now. This is far, far too important to not do because you're "supposed to" be getting married in a month.

I want to comment on one thing you said:
"When I asked my DH - he says that there is nothing to discuss that they are his kids and its his job to worry about them that I shouldn't care for them."

Two things that are SCREAMINGLY HUGE red flags here:

1) "There is nothing to discuss": okay, ANY time one of you has an issue to discuss, you BOTH have an issue to discuss. If my husband comes to me with a concern, and I say "there's nothing to discuss", then I am being a sh*tty and disrespectful wife. If one of you is unhappy with a problem concerning your relationship/family, then you BOTH have a problem. Any other attitude toward your relationship is unacceptable, and is an indication that your husband needs to go to counseling with you. If you do not tackle this now, you are in for a lifetime (or at least until you get divorced) of him telling you that your issues are not important.

2) "They are his kids and it's his job to worry about them." Okay, then, try these things:

a) Tell him that you aren't taking care of them anymore. The next time you are scheduled to have them alone, tell him that he's going to need to find childcare for them, because he said that it is not your job to care for them. IF this doesn't make him understand, and lead to a conversation about why you need to have the authority to discipline if you are taking care of them, try this:

b) ask him if, when he hires a babysitter, does that babysitter have the right to discipline the child if the child does something wrong. If not, then why is the babysitter there? Just to sit around and let the kid run wild? To call the ambulance if the kid falls off the roof? What is that babysitter's responsibility? To feed the kid? To make sure the kid brushes his teeth before bed? Well, hello: That is ALL discipline!!! If he is allowing a babysitter to do that, and if he is expecting you to do that, then he needs to acknowledge that someone who is watching his children needs to have the power to correct them when they do something wrong. If he does not understand that, then go back to a), and tell him that when the sitter comes over, he should tell the sitter that under no circumstances is the babysitter to discipline the child. Then wait and see whether the sitter sticks around for the job.

I repeat, you absolutely must go to counseling with your boyfriend to deal with these issues now, before you are trapped in a marriage where he can say, "You knew my stance on this before we got married. Deal with it." If you are leaning toward letting it go, please do me this favor. Close your eyes and fast forward to three years from now, when the two of you are getting divorced because the issues you see now were not dealt with before you got married. You will be saying to yourself, "God, i shouldn't have let myself get roped into this because I was too afraid to postpone the wedding. Now look at the hell my life has become."

Trust me, ST is crammed to the gills with people who saw these issues before they were married but decided to ignore the little voice telling them not to get married until the problems were dealt with. And the fact is, these issues absolutely SNOWBALL after the marriage. If you think it's bad now, it will be ten times worse after you're hitched. Ladies? Back me up on this.

Please don't add yourself to this statistic. GO TO COUNSELING OR POSTPONE THE WEDDING!!!!

BB

- You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. (2Bloved)

I believe that you should follow the doctor's orders. With or without your FH. How involved is your wedding and postponing it? I understand that it is much easier said than done to cancel a wedding. So I'm not going to jump on the "cut your losses and run" bandwagon . I also understand that sometimes people go through with the wedding, despite what they know is best... just because everything is already "done".

THIS IS a HUGE issue for you and DH to resolve. This is not something that can just be swept under the rug. It won't really get better without a lot of work and COMMUNICATION. So whether your sweet DH likes it or not... he has to deal with it, and deal with it now.

Having said that though, I don't think your DH is being malicious or uncaring. He just may be like my DH, who, would so much rather say "I'll handle it" or "don't worry about it" or ANYTHING to avoid conflict. I sometimes PUSH for conflict. Because sometimes that's the only way I know how to resolve it. How about you?

If he keeps pushing you off, unfortunately, you may need to push him for answers. The thing is, even if you fight... it's a fight that would probably happen after you were married, so it's better to do it now. And after... after it's all out in the open, you'll be much better qualified to make the "cut and run" decision or not.

Okay??