8 years later and still dealing...

Hi all! For of all, thank you for letting me vent! It's been awhile, but I have absolutely NO ONE to talk to about these issues. I know that many of you are in the same boat or have been. My DH left his ex 8 years ago. We have been married for 6. We both have our own set of kiddos. His are 17 and 20. I have always had issues with the 20 year old. She is a mini wife and always has been. Luckily, SD20 lives with the ex right up the road. I worry that at some point she will move in. I know that will be the end of any happiness I have left. She is sooooo lazy. She dropped out of school. She went back and decided to do tech school and won't decide on a major. She sat out last semester. She only took one class the one before that. She will be in tech school 10 years for a 2 year certificiate at this rate. She won't get a job. Neither the ex or DH has made her get one. Finally DH has told her she needs to get one because all she does is lay in bed all day on social media. He called his ex today and talked to her. Low and behold it has all been put back on him. She's depressed and it's all because he left. She sits supposedly sits around afraid dad will leave again. First of all, he is right up the street. He's always been in her life. Of course, this puts a guilt trip on DH and it's no longer she needs to get out and get a job. It's now, she needs more of her daddy. So it begins. I get the phone call. I'm inviting SD20 to dinner tonight with us (Friday night date night) and to come spend the night with us. I told him if she's depressed, she needs counseling to go along with his "daddy" time. He got mad at that. BM and DH pussy foot around her afraid they will break her. The child has been lazy since the day I met her. When she's over here, she doesn't even pick up her own plate or anything. I guess I am going to have to get used to her tagging along thanks to the guilg BM gave him. I think she did it to get SD out of her house so that she could get a break! She is constantly complaining of BM's living boyfriend of 5 years. The kid is still upset that mommy and daddy aren't together. I don't know that else to say. DH isn't at all as understanding about my kids and their feelings but I have to lift the princess up on a pedestal. Any words of wisdom for a lazy, manipulative 20 year old? She definitely pulls the wool over BM and DH's eyes.

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Gimmy is right. Put your foot

Gimmy is right. Put your foot down hard.

SD24 tried this caca for quite some time. Until DH told her that if she still had issues over the divorce, she needed to get counseling and stop using it as an excuse. Especially since she was covered by his excellent insurance. Lo and behold, a combo of counseling and realizing that BioHo is a big part of the problem and SD24 no longer has "daddy abandonment" issues.

She doesn't need more daddy,

She doesn't need more daddy, she needs counselling, Period.

Draw that line in the sand - she does not get to impinge on your life as a couple. This means she doesn't get to move in and she doesn't get invited on things that are for you two alone - she is not disabled and there is no reason to enable her. Her parents apparently want to make her dependent on them.

Good grief, "afraid of losing daddy again" - SMH. How absolutely lame... and what is even more pitiful is that her parents fell for such guff. Do they not have enough communal brain cells to cause a spark of intelligence?

First of all she's not a

First of all she's not a child - she has been an adult for 2 yrs. You can say no, to her ever coming to live with you. She needs to find a job and take responsiblity for herself. If BM is happy to let her not do this, that's on her, but you and DH don't have to endure the consequences of BM's shortsightedness and SD's failure to launch. I know what it's like, we have SD25 who still lives with NPD BM, and has never held down a proper full time job in her life.

He takes SD20 to dinner every

He takes SD20 to dinner every week. He has a standing "date" with her. He says it's not enough. He is always asking her to come over and spend more time with him and even spend the night but she doesn't. BM tells him he needs to insist and tell her when she's coming. Does that even make sense? I know BM is tired of it because SD and her boyfriend are always at odds. SD tries to tell BM how to live her life. I'm in fear guys. Last week he mentioned getting a bigger bedroom set for the skids in "their room." They haven't regularly spent in a night in 2 years. It makes me feel like he wants to prepare it for her to stay longer and longer and probably move in. She's been house hopping between mom and the grandparents. I know that we are next. He went from thinking she needed to get a job to she needs more daddy time to "fix her."

But as I said, she is not a

But as I said, she is not a minor child, your DH has no obligation whatsoever to her, to let her come and live with you. Just say no.

How does DH think depression

How does DH think depression is treated? It's not by ignoring it, or worse, by giving in to her fantasy of her old life with her parents together. She's imagining and longing for a life that didn't even exist, I bet. OR, she's figured out that she can manipulate her parents with this and she'll never have to get a job and take care of herself.

No, depression requires treatment by a mental health professional. First step is a good counselor, and then maybe pharmaceutical intervention as well. She has to put some effort into living an independent, productive life. Her parents should want that for her and stop feeling sorry for her.

DO SOMETHING about it.

If nothing changes, nothing changes. I'd make it real clear to DH that you have no intention of ever living with an adult child.

I have told him that awhile

I have told him that awhile back. Most of our fights stem from SD20. I see the manipulation. She acts one way in front of DH and a total different way when he's not in the room. He doesn't listen to me because he thinks she does no wrong. He thinks I should aways be open to "helping" our kids if we need it. I get it. If they were off making a living and lost their big girl job and needed to get back on their feet. I get it. SD has no desire to work. I keep asking her if she's applied anywhere and she says no. She used the tactic with BM---I won't have as much time to spend with you. lol Today BM tells DH that she has to get her school schedule to work around for a job. Everyone is hiring these days. No one quits a job every semester because you are in school. They don't understand that you get the job and share your schedule with the employer. They really are enabling her. When I tell him this he gets pissed off with me.

Ugh, you are giving me no

Ugh, you are giving me no hope for my future! LOL, the BM and SD here pull that "daddy time" BS to guilt DH. The only difference is that SD is only 13 so I can see now from this blog and your experience that SD/BM will continue to use this guilt FOREVER b/c DH here buys into it also! Funny how daddy time doesn't matter when she wants to stay the night with a friend instead of coming for her visit (which is a very common occurence). Oh and with SDs/BMs like this I doubt actually counseling will help either. SD here has been in counseling for 6 almost 7 years and with the constant counseling switching (by BM) she never progresses.

I pray for you!! It really

I pray for you!! It really sucks. Yeah DH sat around all day on Father's Day because they had something better to do. He waited for hours for them. He doesn't see that. It's funny because when she's here she complains of not getting enough time with BM. She definitely plays the two and they let her. BM admitted to DH that BM and boyfriend cant even go out on dates alone because she tags along. No one will tell her no. They parent out of guilt. I think BM is trying to pawn her off on us some. Lol. It's just sad. The girl shouldn't be expecting her mommy and daddy to be her best friends. She doesn't hang with anyone her age. Wish they would see she needs help beyond spending time together. Oh yeah. BM told DH that SD20 needs alone time with him and not with the other SD17! Is that crazy or what? That poor kid, the younger one gets the short end of the stick.

Ugh, that sounds so familiar

Ugh, that sounds so familiar and just like the situation I deal with. BM here got upset and threw a fit b/c DH was at the hospital with YDS (our child we have together) for a week. He WAS SEPTIC, he had a staph infection in his blood and could have died but BM had to blast DH for being there for YDS who was 5 at the time b/c it was giving SD "daddy issues" because over a year before that he didn't stay the 1 night in the hospital with BM and SD when SD was having some sort of issue....bronchitis maybe....IDK but I was livid that was all BM and SD could think about when my son was on a bed of ice and still having a FEVER! Oh poor wittle SD!

I'm here is you ever want to

I'm here is you ever want to rant or send a message. We are in similar boats only DH and I don't have any kids together but the older skid is very jealous of mine.

Well tonight she spent the

Well tonight she spent the evening with us going to dinner and hanging out. She was supposed to come over around 1 after she got dressed. She showed up at 4:30 looking like she just rolled out of bed. I was INSTRUCTED not to mention ANYTHING about looking for a job. I truly don't I'm understand this parenting of his. All night he acted weird. Like not himself putting on a show. Singing and acting silly and childish. It was so fake to me because that's not him. She of course sat in my spot next to him on the couch snuggled up and watched 4 hours of tv with him. I guess I should get ready for the new norm where I'm invisible. I remember those days so well from when the skids used to stay EOW.

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8 years later and still dealing...

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