Sd21 still causing issues
This isn't anything new but it's starting up again. SD will be turning 21 in a few months. She has dad snowballed. He thinks she's an angel. She still lives with mom. Doesn't work. Hates to work actually and hates school. She hates moms boyfriend. She hates a lot of things. DH has dinner dates with her weekly because she misses daddy. He finally told me that for the past couple of weeks he's been having to talk her through the divorce. She apparently still isn't over it and has a thousand questions for him. She thinks DH and BM didn't try hard enough to save their marriage, blah, blah, blah. I'm supposed to be supportive according to DH. I keep saying she needs counseling but he thinks he can fix it all by spending all his available time with her. Now he's wanting to take her on vacation, etc. he's wanting to know why I don't plan trips with the skids. We both have kids and we canr really afford to take them all on trips at the moment. Anyway, DH divorced almost 9 years ago and we have been married for 7. Is it ridiculous that his 21 year old is still having issues with the divorce and wanting to discuss it all the time??? It's to the point I don't even want to be around her. It's so awkward but DH cannot see that she should move on at this point. He says she will in hee own time.
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One thing I’ve learnt - and
One thing I’ve learnt - and this isn’t limited to relationships. It could be health issues, accidents, etc. is that asking “why” doesn’t achieve anything. Why did this happen to me? Answer a)because I deserve it? Answer b)because I didn’t deserve it. Either way it’s happened and even if you get the answer to “why” it doesn’t automatically mean you’ve processed the traumatic event and moved on. But staying at the “why” stage does prevent acceptance.
It doesn’t matter why at the end of the day. Her parents are divorced. Of course they should’ve tried harder. But the point is neither of them did. Not just her dad, her mum too. They should’ve tried harder much much earlier but most likely by the time they noticed something was wrong it was too little too late. Welcome to Relationship Breakdown 101. So now what’s SD’s end goal? Get DH to force her to skip the “why” and move to so what does she realistically want. And let’s see if she realises how ridiculous it is to say “I want you to rewind the clock and undo the last 10 years”
But trying harder doesn’t work when one spouse is a psycho
Abusive and a narcissist hell bent on tor ring and abusing you for fun..
in those situations you leave because its an unhealthy dysfunctional relationship that won't get better and that fantasy "suck it up just for the kids is absolute nonsense"
my husband divorced his exwife over 11 yrs ago, exwife was having an affair before hubby separated from her and married that guy literally days after divorce papers were signed (skids didn't know bio mum was dating).
5.5 yrs post divorce and about 2.5 yrs of the skids ending contact with daddy, hubby marries me and we have 2 kids together within 2.5 yrs of marriage. After them being 5.5 yrs no communication they decide to reinitiate contact with daddy guilting him "for having a new family, we know you have a new family"
hubby reminds them they are his kids still and that hasn't changed. Then they guilt daddy for how dare he divorce their mum and that the divorce made her go crazy (umm no she was always a crazy abusive narcissistic bitch) then came the pics of hubby whilst married to bio mum and how happy daddy was (daddy wasn't happy but so friggin miserable).
this was a 22.5 yr old sd and sd13 spewing this crap to hubby. Hubby made it clear how happy he was being married to me because we are actually trying to build a future together. Sd's spend their times with us trying to put me in my place, be condescending and blab and rant about bio mum and stepdad as it they're relevant to us.
its bloody obvious their mum hs been married 11+ yrs but still they guilt hubby but never guilt their mum for remarrying
True, but without further
True, but without further information available and assuming that this is a standard relationship breakdown with no abuse involved, knowing the why doesn’t address the fact that it has happened.
^ My ex's family has decided
^ My ex's family has decided they hate me because "you should have tried harder." He was an abusive cheater. They've told the kids I didn't try hard enough and that's why ex and I broke up even. They're only looking to shift blame. There's not "trying harder." It's a big decision with a lot of thought to divorce normally (on either or both sides depending on situation). But most of the time it's hardly about "trying harder" or "effort." Some relationships are just simply not meant to be.
He shouldn't be entertaining his kid. Instead it's just "we dind't work out. Everyone still loves you"
I don't think you can assume
I don't think you can assume they "should have tried harder", maybe one or both tried as much as they could and ending it was best for everyone. We don't have enough information to assume she's correct that they just divorced without trying.
But honestly, OP, that's not even the point. The point is that it's done, it's over, DH is married to someone else, and everyone needs to stop coddling this Failure to Launch young woman. DH needs to say, "Look, SD, I know the divorce was hard on you, but it's done and I'm no longer willing to discuss it."
It's just her way of remaining the victim and refusing to grow up because her parents "let her down". No one is focusing on her failure to launch because they are too busy defending themselves from her blame about something that happened 9 years ago.
Your DH is playing into this nonsense.
Yesssss!!!!
Exactly!!!!
There is no time limit for
There is no time limit for people to deal with the trauma of their parents divorce. However some people prolong their own suffering because they realize that they can milk it for attention. My sd12 is at an age where she is trying to play her parents off of each other in order to get more material things. My husband's sister was a teenager when he divorced BM and for some reason she thinks she is traumatized from his divorce. She will remind him all the time about how it is negatively affected her relationships.
I think people who are in their twenties are for the first time faced with the consequences of their decisions and the less mature individuals start blaming others for their own shortcomings. When people are delaying their adulthood they have to face their own issues and I think this is why so many 20-something stepchildren reignite drama. It's easier to blame your parents than to be accountable for your own discontentment.
Attention!!! That's what this
Attention!!! That's what this is all about. All of a sudden, weekly she needs daddy/daughter dinner dates. They need alone time to talk. Now she's invited over every weekend because he feels guilt from her suffering and wants her to know that she's welcome at our house anytime. Do I believe she's still realing in this? No. Because she is always upset or mad about something. She loves self misery. DH is falling victim and taking the blame and now he wants to baby her. The younger child...is just fine.
The younger child is just
The younger child is just fine....until it clicks in her head ooh, so this is how you get attention...
Lets hope your DH sorts out eldest before that happens
She's already abusing it. I
She's already abusing it. I don't mind that he sees her weekly. He actually sees both weekly for dinner but now he does them seperately because the 21 year old needs daddy time and needs him to herself. I'm never invited to go, which is ok with me, but don't turn around and say that we should be doing vacations and taking them more places to feel like a family when you have to have mostly time without me. That just doesn't jive. If you read back, the 21 year old has never liked me but daddy doesn't see it. She acts one way in front of him and another when he's not there. When they would be here every weekend, she wouldn't even answer me if he wasn't in the room. He always believes her and I'm always in the wrong, so I can't even talk to him about that.
Seeing her weekly? I don't
Seeing her weekly? I don't have an issue with that, I see my mother pretty much every week. But feeding into her nonsense about the divorce needs to stop.
“G”. If you are not
Invited to dinner with your DH and SD. You will not be invited on vacation with them also. Or SD should not be invited on your vacation.
so she can tell her friends if she has any. My parents went to Disney and I got a T shirt
In all honesty
I think this girl is on the divide and conquer path. If she's still so damaged by her parents divorce see a counsellor, but I don't buy it. She's probably just pushing you out and making sure she's got close access to bank of dad. Perfect way to get a withdrawal from bank of dad is divorce n damaged child guilt