My First Domestic Violence Eencounter
Tonight I was officially inaugurated into the domestic violence club. I gave myself a pedicure and then my 10 year old got interested so I gave him a short pedicure. By then my husband started commenting how gross it was to do that in our bedroom. I countered, " I have a towel down catching everything. I'm doing yours next. I'll run the vacuum when I'm done." my oldest poked his head in the room and his brother told him how great it was but apparently that was too much ( as is everything my oldest does ALL THE TIME). He REALLY didn't want MY OLDEST( because somehow that is the grosssest of gross) getting his feet done in our room. Whatever, my oldest blew it off but I got in my husband's face about it and he proceded to get violent. He shoved, pushed and threw me out of our bedroom, literally. I have a welt on my lower right leg as a result. I'd been listening to a DVD by Dr. Wayne Dyer but he had interupted "this bullshit" and turned it off. After his violen explosion, he ran downstairs and put the CD on the counter and told me if I needed more self help, I should have another drink. (I've had 2 drinks since 2 pm and it's 8pm so I highly think his references to being a drunk and alcoholic are absurd). I will never forget as long as I live getting up off the floor and my 4 year old asking, "Why was he pushing you like that?" I just don't have enough of an ego to say I guess it makes hime feel like more of a man to act like a COMPLETE F*****. YEAH YOU'RE A BIG F******* MAN YOU SHORT F*** PIECE OF SHIT BECAUSE YOU BEAT YOUR WIFE!
He doesn't want to have to work for any relationship. He wants it to be effortless and I'm here to let anyone know that that is not going to happen. But, as he told me tonight, "I'm done. I want a divorce. We don't talk (not true). We don't have sex (okay, sex sucks, let me just tell you right now, it's all about his dominance and after the first 10 seconds, I'm just not into that anymore) and I've already had a relationship like this (meaning, you've beaten the shit out of your previous wife?? Is that why you said in the beginning of our relatiohnship, that someday i would find out out you were just a d***) and I don't want another one. I just walked out. He had the nerve to sarcastically say as I was walking out, "That's right, walk out like you always do." I just want to crawl into a hole and die at this point;. It doesn't have anything to do with being right or wrong. It's just being done. Three days before the beach, I hope he decides not to come to the beach (we're leaving in 3 days) and when I come home, the house is completely empty and he is gone, gone, gone. Out of sight, out of mind. Good riddance. Take care amigo. Goodbye. it will be very curious to see how this works out. I'm in major limbo right now. Help?
I'm so humiliated that my kids were here to see me treated like this. This will do damage to their psyche beyond my control. But my altermative is to let them hang out with a raging alcoholic. that their father is spending allt his time with. Lesser of 2 evils. What in the hell do I choose between the 2 of these? None of it is fair or right at this point.
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There is another option...
Don't stay in limbo. Your children witnessed this: you can't change that. But you can ensure that it never happens again. Take a bit of time and make some changes for your safety. If it happened once, it will happen again. It never gets better. I waited 12 years for better to happen and I cheated myself and my kids out of so much in life. Don't waste another minute to take care of you and your children!
Cru - I was totally
Cru - I was totally paralyzed. I knew my boys were looking at me wondering what I would do and i was just a basket case. I went outside and cried. What is wrong with me? I'm almost 40 years old and the best I can do is just reduce myself in a heap of tears. They're on the edge of their seats waiting for the major life lesson, "What to do when you want to beat the shit out of your signifigant other and she just gets up and walks away." I feel like such a coward.
"Bitter? Table for ONE..."
English
ya know English I dont think your kids will think you are a coward, you were taken by surprise and most of us would have done what you did you were the bigger person cuz it could have escalated so badly both of you could have gotten hurt a lot more- however I would have definetly called the cops
I came from a violent relationship (I divorced that bastard) I grew up with violent parents, all that you can do is talk to your kids let them know that what he did was wrong NO ONE deserves to be treated that way.
I am so very lucky that my sons are not violent their dad has a terrible temper.
Needless to say ...get out, unless he wants to change he will not change and the abuse will only escalate.
PM if you need to!!
I have been there and I survived!!!
and I am oh so HAPPY!!!
“You will never be on top of the world
if you try to carry it on your shoulders.”
...first...
You say *first* like it will be the first of many...
You need to get out now whilst you are still strong enough.
Because I just never saw
Because I just never saw myself here. I thought I had more strength than this. I guess domestic violence knows no boundaries?
"Bitter? Table for ONE..."
Not Acceptable
You're children have seen this act of violence now and you have no way of taking that back. What you CAN control is your response.
Remove yourself to a safe place (the beach?) away from him for a few days while you regain your composure. Do you have a close friend or family member you can confide in? Ask them to listen while you talk through the situation. When you have made your decisions, go back and calmly let him know whats happening.
For your safety and your childrens, set up an emergency signal phone call to your friend or a neighbour for times when you need backup. If your husband knows someone is keeping an eye on you and is ready to drop in at a moments notice he is less likely to threaten you.
You have 2 areas of responsibility here;
1. to keep you and your children safe
2. to lead by example and demonstrate to your young, impressionable children that using violence is NEVER EVER ok.
Good luck. Please don't wait for next time.
Your boys will be Fathers & Husbands one day
They need to see that domestic violence in any form is unacceptable and that there are consequences.
It's okay for your children to see you as human and confused.
It's not okay to let them see a repeat performance. Feeling weak in that one moment does not make you a weak person. Sometimes you just have to dig a little deeper to find your strength, but it is there. Tap into it and get yourself and your children to a position of safety. I totally agree with KarmaQueen on leading by example. You've shown your children that you are human being with a human beings fears and weaknesses. Now show them what to do to prevent a recurrence of this type of violence.
♥ Georgia ♥
"Good men don't just happen. They have to be created by us women." (from ROSEANNE)
First things first
Do you have anywhere you can go right now? maybe to the beach early? You will need time to recover from the shock of this before making such big decisions. I guarantee your kids do not want to be there with this situation either. Such a traumatic thing you can take a few days to sort it out somewhere, just don't stay there in the house!
Whose house is it? can you make him leave? I am so sorry honey, you hang in there and let us know what happens - I feel like busting him one myself!!
"In the depths of winter I finally learned there was in me an invincible summer." -Albert Camus
I went into work yesterday
I went into work yesterday but developed such a miserable migraine that I was sick to my stomach. I went home and went to bed for several hours. He came home and apologized BUT he keeps saying "we". "We can't do that anymore. We can't treat eachother like that." Is that so he's putting some of the blame on me also? I read that abusers try to deflect the responsibility for their actions by making the victim look like they were the one to blame/asked for it. I didn't touch him, he pushed me first. But does that really matter at all? He crossed the line.
I remember he once told me that his ex "came out of nowhere screaming and ranting at him once and he pushed her up against a wall" does that suggest a pattern? I had a notion to call her but I didn't know if she would immediately contact him wondering why I was asking her those sorts of questions.
I am still so humiliated that I just can't think about it or I start welling up. My 4 year old kicked me this morning. I guess he figures since Dad does it, that's how you treat mom. I have a lot to think about over these next several days. Unfortunately he's coming with me but the best part is that most of my family will be there also so I have some protection while I try to think this through.
Of all the visions and dreams I had for my life, this was not one of them.
"Bitter? Table for ONE..."
That does suggest a pattern..
His behaviour is typical. The behaviour happens, then the I'm sorry, theings are good for a while and then it happens again. It doesn't really matter if it is a pattern. It happened to do you and once is too much. It is also typical to word things in such a way that you are at fault. You are not at fault but you do have a role. The longer that you tolerate and accept it...you become co-dependent in the behavour and he can continue to be the way that he is. Unless he gets help, you both get help it will be hard to change the dynamic.