PLEASE PLEASE....NEED LEGAL ADVICE/OPINION BEFORE I MAKE A MOVE (FROM MICH.)
Here's the skinny:
shared custody w/ ex. 50/50. Been divorced for several years. Two kids, BS14 (15 in January) and BD12.
Son wants to live w/ me full time.
Ex is verbally/emotionally abusive. In short, he is a bully. To me, to my kids, etc....he is an extremely controlling person.
Obviously I couldn't put up with him, but sadly my kids have to. The worse is for my son. Now I am not a blind mother. I know that kids will be kids. I have also been around the block a time or two. My kids are NOT bad kids. If you were to talk to my ex he would have you to believe that my son is the most defiant, rebellious, failing school, riff raff to ever walk the earth. Threats of military school. Threats of "goin rounds"
My son is depressed over there, I know he is. He has cried about bein dropped back off for the week. He definitly is angry inside. And frankly I don't blame him.
One time my stupid ex and his even more stupid girlfriend came to my house to give the kids a talkin to about school grades. (that is a whole different story) When it came time for my son's talkin to, (which by the way, my son's grades were all a's and b's) I noticed a completely different kid. His body language was on the defense, angry, etc....
So yes I can see where over at his dad's they say he is defiant, bratty, etc... or whatever else. But I cannot help to say, they are making him that way. I could not believe how they were talking to the kids. The same condencending tone, idle threats, put down remarks, etc... just awful.
You are probably askin why I didn't say anything? I am ashamed to admit that I too am a victim of my ex. It is hard for me to stand up to him. Years of being married to him with his verbal and emotional abuse has shut me down as soon as his body is near me. I literally say nothing!
SO yes, my son has felt this way for a very long time. This is not a teenager mad because he doesn't get his way at one house and gets his way at the other situation.
I called FOC to ask my caseworker what steps i need to do to follow a motion for custody. She told me that kids don't get to "choose" who they want to live with. (until they are 18) but that I can file a motion for custody. If the ex doesn't agree, then we would talk to a mediator (for lack of a better word) I could also ask the mediator to talk to my son (privately) and if the mediator cannot decide, then it can go in front of the judge. (but typically the mediator finishes the job, unless in extreme cases)
I know if I file this I am opening up WWWIII! My ex is gonna be pissed. And yes I am gonna talk to my son before I file. Make sure this is what he wants, what is reason's are, he cannot change his mind, etc....
I know my ex will threaten him again/more. Even if they are idle threats and said in just, I myself have feared for my safety because of how INCESSIVE he is.
I guess what I am seeking fellow STalkers, is advice/opinions on my chances. Not only will shit fly while this is going on, but shit will be harder afterwards especially if i lose.
I'm scared. I'm scared to leave my son there. I am scared for him emotionally. My heart breaks. I'm crying as I write this. I'm scared to not try for custody, and I'm scared for the shit storm of harassment that will follow from my ex towards me.
- cant win for losin's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
My ex-husband was abusive
My ex-husband was abusive too. He threatened to take the kids from me if I filed for divorce. Him being in the military though...well, he would have had to prove me unfit before he could win.
Don't be afraid. Who cares if he is pissed? What can he do to you? Nothing. And if he acts like an ass in front of the mediator or judge, well, he'll be shooting himself in the foot.
As long as you can provide a stable home life for your kids, and your son wants to live with you, then I don't see how you could lose. No, they don't get to choose, but the judge will take their wishes into consideration.
As for your ex. Document everything. Keep all emails. Backup all texts to your email (you can do this with gmail and the SMS backup app). Keep it all and show it to the mediator or judge.
Because my ex was so verbally abusive after we divorced, I got a court order saying he can only communicate with me about the kids and it has to be done via written communication. I kept everything too. If your ex scares you so much, ask for this. Ask for pick ups and drop offs to be in a public location.
I used to run (and am currently rebuilding) a site for domestic violence survivors. I really hope this helps.
Sorry you're going through
Sorry you're going through this, I know your heart must ache for your son. Don't beat yourself up, you are not responsible for your ex's behavior.
Now, having said that, your caseworker is right that kids don't get to choose who they want to live with, however, the older the child is the more the judge will take into consideration their wishes.
If I were you, and this is only my suggestion, you will need to start building a case that shows how your ex's abuse is affecting your son. You can't just go into court and say my ex is abusing our son, you have to show proof - things like he's having to go to therapy, his grades are going down, etc. Research "change of circumstances for custody", because that is basically how you get custody changed.
Good luck, and try not to let this get you down. The very fact that this eats you up inside tells me what a caring, loving mom you are.
I think you should try to
I think you should try to talk to your ex first, before filing. You can mention to him that you have no problem returning to court to fix the problem. But again, that is me and I have zero problems with any sort of confrontation from anyone.
Coach him? Coach him how?
Coach him? Coach him how? Coach what? A parent should never Coach a child in a custody situation as that backfires on the "coaching parent".
i may be misunderstanding,
i may be misunderstanding, but my take when the poster said to coach son, was coaching him on the important points to say.
not just the typical teenage complaints. "my dad gets mad if I don't make my bed. i don't have to make my bed at my mom's"
thank you for all your kind
thank you for all your kind words, helpful hints, insights as well as advice.
First thing, there is NO speaking to this man. There is no such thing as a "meeting of the minds". He is soo angry, bitter and resentful as me as well as other's that his ultimate goal is to hurt others. He is not like the typical, hard to get along with ex. It truly is ONLY his way. When it is NOT going his way his incessive and excessive harassment starts. I have had to file a police report because of his harassment.
Verbal and emotional abuse I feel is the worse kind. Yes bruises heal from physical, and yes it messes you up mentally being physically abused, and I am in no way downplaying anyone who is physically abused (i watched my own biomother suffer from this) To suffer verbal and mental abuse is indescribable. Only those who have truly experienced it in it's real form understand, completely grasp how cutting the perp's words can be. This man can be talking about the weather and I say nothing. His tone, his language, his use of vocabulary, everything....it is like he is beating me with his fists with each word.
I have been in medation with him before, i always manage to find my strength, but that was not for custody. Failure is my biggest fear. Rejection is my achilles. I know in my heart that i must do this, and I will. My kids come back on friday and I will talk to my son. He is getting in trouble yet again at his dad's house today, and I feel helpless.
As far as commenting on some posts above. I called my ex's girlfriend a girlfriend because technically she is. I know that you can be a stepmother w/o marriage. I am not one of them crazy biomom's, but his girlfriend is almost as bad as him. She drinks his koolaid while makin up another batch herself.
"The kids cannot get away with nothin with 4 parents watching them and at least in the same chapter, if not on the same page. "
my kids aren't really tying to "get away" with anything. 4 parents are not even in the same book. This meeting of grades came at 7:30 p.m. no call, drop in...911 emergency NOW! Were my children failing? Absoluetly not. Did they (well technically just daughter) have bad grades? Yes and no. A "d" is NOT acceptable in my house, and neither in the ex's house. She had ONE d. 2 c's, and the rest were a's. I understand that to some c's are unacceptable. And I'm not complaining that c's are unacceptable to him, but to go on and on and on for almost an hour, with our daughter in tears as you are reaming her about her FAILING grades is not acceptable. and it's not truthful. she is NOT failing. the girlfriend had papers, yes PAPERS of notes that she wrote down from the teacher conference. NIT PICKING. is what it is. Did my daughter get punished here? Yes. She was handed a consequence. Got her talkin to from me, suggestions for solutions for these grades and end of story. No tears, no failing the 7th grade speech, making something of yourself, what do you eat for lunch?, the science teacher says you are high energy, etc.....(these are the things they said to her)
Different parenting styles to say the least. But this IS different. It is MORE than just different parenting styles.
When I said "before i make a move" I didn't mean a physical move into a new area or home, I meant before I make a move filing for motion.
Very sad to hear about it.
Very sad to hear about it. But don't worry about any thing more. Just file a case against him. And hire the best lawyer delray beach. Who can get back your child into your custody by any means. Just have faith in god and go for a legal help.