Some steptalkers have asked in recent posts (Crayon & Elizabeth I’m thinking of you and a few others) “when do you stop waiting for the other shoe to drop after an skid makes it clear they don’t want to come over anymore?”

The answer is never. It never goes away. Sure you can push it to the farthest corner of your mind and ignore it for a while. But really you never stop worrying that your peace will be shattered any moment. It nags at you. You see a number on the caller ID similar to BM or SD and freeze till you double check and notice it is one number different. The stomach knots can come roaring back in a second no matter how long they have been gone. The tension between your shoulder blades—back! Your guards drop into to place and you are THERE in the hell you’ve been hiding from.

A friend and I were chatting recently and she wanted an update on SD16.5 and her antics. When I told her she stopped coming for EOW nearly 2 years ago and contact was sporadic at best; the last contact being several months ago. Friend was like, “that’s great you’ve made it through!” And I said nope, I’m just currently enjoying the eye of the hurricane. The last two years have been great, the knots in my stomach have mostly managed to untangle themselves, we made plans, set a wedding date-- but I know it is going to likely get worse before it ever gets “better.”

Why? Why do I have such doom and gloom thoughts? Because SD16.5 put herself on a trajectory of failure several years ago (previous post for more info- short version is flunking two grades of high school, bad friends as major influencers, BM that won’t enforce rules, ect…) and has shown no sign of switching course so in all likelihood at some point we will get THE CALL. The DUI call, or the drug rehab call, or the pregnant call, or the I-dropped-out-of- high-school call. And even though BF has come a long way in the last two years, he still yearns for the SD he thought he knew. And the longer she stays away, the more I worry he’ll jump at any chance to reunite. The hurt and anger will fade and he will forget enough to be hurt all over again.

So the eye of the hurricane. I know how fragile my peace it. I value it even more because I vividly remember the 4 years of hell I endured before the eye.

But the other shoe dropped for this weekend and I step out of the eye. BF informed me last night that SD16.5 sent an email and requested they go out to lunch. After pestering for all the details of the email, it seems no reason was given for wanting to do lunch after so much time. It is a mystery, but if she wants to see him, then he’ll be there.

So that means I get so spend the next 48 however revisiting every what if that has ever haunted my thoughts. Could it be she wants something? Could it be she wants money for a car? Could it be she wants to let her dad know she switched high schools after nearly a full term at the new school (yep, switched high schools and no one told us. SD and BM still don’t know that we know. MIL found out and told us)? Pregnant? Fight with her mom and wants to live with us? Maybe she is trying to kiss ass so she will still get xmas presents after treating BF and MIL so horribly?

What I am sure it is not. Wishing me happy birthday (earlier this week) or telling her dad how sorry she is and how she wants a better relationship and how she values him (after so many years of PAS, and with teenage hormones and logic, there is no way this will happen without major counseling and turning 30).

BF doesn’t really want to talk about “the lunch” and he wants to go alone. On one hand, that is fine with me. I don’t want to buy the kid lunch and I don’t want to be in her company. On the other my gut tells me she is up to something. After avoiding her father and doing all she could to hurt him, why contact him now? I wish I could arrange a witness at least, that’s how little I trust her. She wants something. I’ve already started preparing my response for the money request, car request, or living with us request.

So the eye has passed me by and the hurricane has encompassed me for this weekend at least. For how long I don’t know. This is perhaps my biggest gripe about step-parent life: the inability to control when the hurricane arrives, how long it stays, and how much damage it will be allowed to do. The sad truth is, as long at I am with BF the hurricane will always lurk, so I’ll never ever be able to truly put it away and have peace.