16 days and a bunch of "what if" anxiety on the count down to SD turning 18
16 days to go. There were so many times in the last 7.5 years that I would think of the day SD would turn 18 and it just seemed so far away. Though DH might not think of it in quite these terms, I’m viewing this as the end of a prison sentence for a crime I did not commit. I have a lunch planned with a fellow SP to celebrate my release (though we actually have to pay CS thru June in our state to account for “18 or normal high school graduation whichever is later”).
In addition to counting down the days, I’ve started to have some anxiety about what will happen now. I don’t post often because I found this forum after the worst of the SD years were behind me, but I have not forgot them and I could very honestly go with rest of my life with no future SD contact. I had a nightmare the other night that SD announced she wanted to move in with us at 18. In my dream we ultimately ended up having to buy the house next door so SD could have “adequate space.”
SD has been absent much of the last 4 years due to PAS and flunking school (started with flunking nearly every class including PE in 9th grade). She doesn’t wanting us on her case about it so won’t return calls or emails unless it relates to presents. Last contact was a voicemail Christmas morning 2010 saying she was too sick to come to MIL’s for Christmas presents and could DH drop them off to her. I check SD’s facebook page frequently (she has is set to public) because I worry due to the life-path she has picked that drugs, pregnancy and dropping out are highly likely. In the past year I have found plenty of posts relating to drug use, rave concerts, and one episode of house arrest. None of which have I passed on to DH because the ostrich thing seems to work for him. He isn’t under any illusions that SD is a great kid (he is a high school teacher and has a pretty good idea of what she is up to), but he seems to not want to know about what he can’t control.
I know from all of your stories that just because SD is turning 18 that the drama won’t end. We might get to block BM from contacting us for the most part and the financial drain will stop (or at least slow dramatically), but since SD is still not on track to graduate, likes to party and is in the drug scene, I’m sure there will be future episodes of drama.
My anxiety jumped dramatically yesterday. The same day I was checking the child-support website to see how we give the state notice of SD’s 18th birthday and normal graduation of June, DH gets a voicemail from SD saying she has some “questions” and needs him to call her back. DH is crappy about returning calls and voicemails so my mind is left to wonder while I wait for him to get around to it or for SD to call again. Since we have only heard from her twice in the last 12 months I’m at a loss as to what “questions” she might have. Has BM decided to evict her once CS stops and is the question can she move in with us (hell no from my end)? Is she hoping for a “graduation gift” or birthday cash toward her Woodstock-like rave concert in California that she has been talking about on facebook (using graduation loosely since last we knew she was several credits short and DH has a policy against giving cash for birthdays and has already has picked up a few items for her)? Perhaps she’s hoping DH will now give her the CS BM used to get? It can’t be money for college because even if she does manage a minor miracle to graduate, her GPA is so low community college would be the only option (and even that might be iffy with her GPA). SD has shown no motivation in the 7 years I’ve known her to improve herself in way, turned down offers for sports or music lessons. Plus DH is still paying off his student loans and since his parent’s didn’t help him with school, I don’t think he feels the need to pay for SD’s post-high school education.
The reality is DH is a public school teacher and lives paycheck to paycheck and I’m the big money. I make double his salary with no student loans or major debt. All extras come out of my account and he knows I won’t contribute to SD and wouldn’t even ask me to since he views this as his cross to bear. DH doesn’t have more than $100 wiggle room in his budget now for birthdays or emergencies and will only have another $300 of wiggle room starting in July. So SD can ask for money, but there really isn’t any. Won’t stop her from trying to guilt him though and that will really piss me off.
So why is she calling now 16 days before turning 18 after years of limited contact? What are she and BM trying to pull at this late date?
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I would be wondering the same
I would be wondering the same thing-I have a steppunk from HELL (he'll be 19 next month) and I was fully anticipating biomom kicking him out the minute he turned 18. What are DH's feelings (or what do you anticipate them to be) if she tries to move in? I would suggest preparing for her trying to move in and do EVERYTHING YOU CAN to keep that from happening. Call the Boystown National Hotline(they list their number on their website-just google it) and you'll be able to speak to a counselor who might give you some suggestions for making the case to DH.
Some reasons are
1) moving SD in will cause more problems than it will solve
2)SD has had 2 years to start saving for a place and prepare financially-jobs working at fast food or something
3)If you and SD dont get along it's going to cause more drama with you and her, and almost guaranteed you and DH. Once you move her in it'll be a lot harder to move her out.
4)tell DH that if she's so worried about being homeless she would have had something set up already as far as housing-finding a part-time job and roomates or a studio isnt that complicated. If she IS facing homelessness, tell DH to have her sign up with the military or jobcorps. They provide housing and a salary too I think.
We have a very small house
We have a very small house and seriously don't have room for her. The 2nd bedroom is my office and when she did come EOW she slept on air mattress in family room. So seriously no room, though we have talked about moving to bigger house, I will not even consider it till we get through this next transition phase with SD. I don't think DH wants her to move in at all, but also doesn't want her on street either. She used to snoop and steal things and he is aware of that. To be honest, I think we would be her last resort for living space. She would try friends or grandparents first. She knows I won't buy her BS and she won't like the rules, requirements, or rent/living expenses I would require from her. I think he is more likely to help with an apartment deposit if it means she is not in our house.
My other thought is she wants money for a car or to get on our auto insurance. We already have her on our health insurance.
"My other thought is she
"My other thought is she wants money for a car or to get on our auto insurance."
BINGO!!!
Soooooo, I'm thinking that SD
Soooooo, I'm thinking that SD is asking for:
1. a mazda miata
2. a chalet in switzerland of her very own
3. all college expenses fully paid
4. lots of money for her b-day
5. all of the above.
Sounds like a "pre-birthday heads up notification" call. "Ahem, I need fistfuls of cash STAT!"
Hopefully BM won't get SD into the "special needs" category where CS can continue to be paid beyond the age limit of 18 (or 21 in some states such as lovely NY :sick: )
I can relate about the money situation as well. After CS is taken out, GG brings home a whopping $200 a week. WOO HOO!
I’m viewing this as the end
I’m viewing this as the end of a prison sentence for a crime I did not commit
I LIKE THIS! My DH has always said that he looks at having to deal with BMs as a prison sentence and the light at the end of the tunnel is that he has served over half his time already. But I never thought about the fact that I am actually serving the sentence right along with him, only for a crime I did NOT commit.
it's understandable if dh
it's understandable if dh doesn't want your daughter on the street-but if that ends up happening sd has no one to blame but herself. She should have gotten a job at 16 and started saving up. My steppunk was living with friends for a while-but he wore out his welcome then became homeless. He asked to live with us and I made my case to DH and THANK GOD he never did move in! Do we want to see him on the street? No...but at the same time he is more than capable of doing things for himself and he chooses not to. Keep in mind, he wanted to move in with us and we are a 4 person household living in a 2-bedroom apartment. So he would have been on the couch.
My suggestion is if she wears out her welcome with grandparents and friends first DON'T let her move in-she's only one person, a shelter isn't going to kill her.
Wow, Brutallyhonest. I could
Wow, Brutallyhonest.
I could have written this exact same post myself (well, once my FSD16.5 turns 18 anyway). Especially this:
"There were so many times in the last 7.5 years that I would think of the day SD would turn 18 and it just seemed so far away...I'm viewing this as the end of a prison sentence for a crime I did not commit."
This is just so weird - how similar so many of our situations here are on StepTalk - how there are many of us here that literally go through the same thought processes, the same emotions, the same fears, the same worries waiting for the proverbial "other shoe to drop" (do I even have that expression right? anyway, you get the idea).
Your situation with your SD, her failing grades since 9th grade, going to rave concerts, worrying about whether or not she'd come home pregnant one day, your DH having major ostrich syndrome with it all - WOW!! Are you somehow living my life, but only you are 1.5 years ahead of me?? This is EXTREMELY weird to realize that there's someone out there who seems to be able to TOTALLY RELATE to my life.
I don't know if I have any "answers" for you to allay your fears about what your SDstb18 is "plotting" or up to now (trust me, I WISH I had a crystal ball like that for you), but I just wanted to reply to your post to let you know that I go through the EXACT same thoughts and worries/fears that you do about the day my fskids turn 18.
Unfortunately, here in NY, the "magic age" for MASSIVE CS $$$ to BM's is 21, not 18. However, in my FDH's divorce decree, he only agreed to pay CS to BM to age 21 if the kids are "in school full-time". I have a good shot with FSD16.5 that since she's EXACTLY like your SD, she probably won't even go to college (hell, she'll probably barely pass high school in order to graduate). In that case, CS for her ends when she turns 18 (1.5 more years - whoo hoo!!!). Of course, I would love for her to go to college, educate herself, get a degree, get a career...but unfortunately I think that's more of a pipe dream at this point. Then there's still FSS13, who we have at LEAST another 5 years to PAY, PAY, PAY, PAY CS for...or possibly 9 MORE YEARS if he goes to a 4 yr. college after high school. GRRRR!!! Seems like it'll NEVER end.
:::Milomom patiently waiting for the BM Gravy Train to reach its FINAL destination::: OK, maybe NOT so patiently....lol!!!
Brutallyhonest, if I were you, I'd definitely do whatever I could to make sure your SDstb18 DOES NOT MOVE INTO YOUR HOUSE!!! You know how true it is that you'll probably NEVER get her out once she moves in. It will be TOTALLY detrimental to your marriage.
Please, please keep us posted about the mysterious voicemail she left and the "questions" she has to ask him!!!! How cryptic is that? It could be ANYTHING!! Hopefully you're not working yourself up over something minor. Either way, I'll keep my fingers & toes crossed for you that your DH totally REJECTS any requests she has for anything. Typical stepkid - doesn't contact her Daddykins for HOW LONG...not even to say hi or see if he's ok - until she NEEDS SOMETHING (i.e. usually MONEY!!).
Of course, your DH is a typical ostrich and since he's horrible at returning phone calls, you are left hanging in suspense!!! AAAHHHH!
You have my curiosity PEAKED - please let us know as soon as you find out. GOOD LUCK!!!