I WILL NOT SUFFER IN MY OWN HOME!
FH and I have been together for 3 years. Together we have 8 children. Yep, an entire team. My children: D28, S25, D21, and S16. His children: D23 (with 2 poorly behaved 3 and 4 yo children), D16, D13, and D10. Two BM: 1 for D23 and another for the other 3. To keep things short, I'll explain that FH is passive and often uses avoidance. From this, he's been a people pleaser most likely all of his life. I will also add that recently he's increased his frequency of alcohol intake to where he is sometimes irrational and makes poor decisions. All of the things I am discussing today are of great concern to me. Prior to this relationship, I was a moderately established middle-income woman, divorced but doing her damn thing. 3100 sq ft home with bells and whistles and I love to shop. Clothes, jewelry, electronics, gadgets, you name it. So, my house is not thief-proof, yet, I wouldn't be immediately aware if something was missing either. I'm trying to do better as I get older. You get what I'm saying--and I'm not boasting, just for reference. My children and I have been a well-oiled machine for many years. Never perfect; however, I think we've managed decently. Before moving in, my FH had a 2 BR apt, where the kids lived week on/week off. At their mom's house, another 2 BR apt, with 2 other siblings and a stepfather (family of 7). I'm sure this plays into the situation, thus the reason I'm including this and am looking for suggestions and help for this issue. One last important detail: all of my biochildren live with us! Yes. Help us Lord. So, 28 yo came home to finish PA school and 25 yo is working and contributing, 21 yo is disabled from a bad school accident 5 years ago, and 16 yo of course is home. Their dad is hardly in the picture, so little issue there. For the most part, days are easy at home. Everyone has their own lives and we communicate throughout the day, etc without issues. We also have a group chat with our iPhones for all 10 of us.
Since we live quite a distance from the Skids school, they now visit weekend on/weekend off. Every other month or so, SD23 also comes to stay the weekend with her 2 children (age 3 and 4)--I'll come back to this. On multiple occasions, things have disappeared: rather from them being moved, broken, misplaced, or stolen. My FH once told me that his D16, didn't like his ex because her daughter said she was stealing her clothes. I assume she approximately 11 at the time. I didn't think much of it until this past year. There's no doubt that the kids, take a charger out of this wall and move it to a wall in another room near them, maybe even take it home some times. There have been multiple chargers missing. There has been brand new make up (my D16 is a makeup enthusiast) missing for months, then mysteriously returned, as well as ear buds. There have been several clothing articles seen on SD16, that go missing without a trace. Where's the TV producer?! I need help. Most recently, and don't judge my family--my D28 had several packages of hair that she purchased for over $400, that disappeared the night before her salon appointment. She brought it up to me, considering that the other items were taking previously. I told her to reach out to SD23 and SD16 and ask if they'd seen the hair. No one saw the hair of course. So now D28 is out of hair and a scheduling fee of $75 to book the appointment. I hear back from SD23 that the kids are tired of being asked if they know where something is after their weekend. My response is that, well we're tired of asking also. If you respect people's space and things, none of this would happen. D28 and D21 allow the girls to use their space at their leisure during their weekends in an effort to bond and make them feel more at home. I completely understand the lack of space in a 4 BR home, when there are 10-12 people in the home. It's not optimal, but we make the best of it--family fun nights, movie night, house sleepover, etc. Me and FH try--we do. But also, when they're not at our house, they're living in 1200 sq ft. I digress. The issue has become that the SD16 continues to lie, steal, etc. She's lying about grades. She snuck out the house and got an STD--on our weekend. Disabled the alarm system. She talked FH into a 16th hotel bday party without mom knowing. Was told absolutely no boys. She convinced the chaperone to go home. Welp--guess what, on whim, FH called chaperone for updates and she said "oh yes, they're boys there!" Craziness. We go to the hotel, he kicks most of the girls out and made the excuse that one of the other girls brought the boys. So, he allowed the party to continue with the 5 girls remaining. There were alcohol and drugs of course. The next day, we find out that the mom didn't know about the party. No consequences for SD16. She was given the chore to write a paper/presentation on Trust that began as 2 pages and is now up to 6 since she has yet to turn it in. FH now pissed because she's not listening and lying. My D28 wants her damn hair. I want silence. Silence. I'm planning a wedding and don't have time for any of this on my brain right now.
On top of this, this past weekend SD23 and her children show up unannounced for the weekend. **passess out** I want to enjoy being with the kids so much as I look forward to grandchildren, but they are not fun to be around! They scream and whine constantly and are misbehaved. They don't listen to mom and break things, drop things, etc. It's a nightmare. She cuddles them whenever they cry--which is often. So, if FH says to them stop jumping on the chair, they cry, she pats them on the back. I want advice on how to handle this situation. I want to spend time with them and grow our relationship, but having them stay the weekend is just too much. FH and I just kind of hold our breath until it's over. It's ridiculous. I don't believe she's asking to stay the weekend. She's sort of not stepped out of the child role, thinking she's on the weekend on/weekend off schedule. I was a teenage parent and my mother made sure I knew the shoes I'd stepped into. I could no longer act as a child. I was readying myself for motherhood and my family. It's not enough space and the kids are too much to deal with. It's miserable. I don't like that I even feel this way. I really need some advice, laughs, articles, crystals, prayers--give 'em to me please!
Looking for refuge,
Bee143
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Uncohabitate. Date Don't
Uncohabitate. Date Don't move back in together until all the adults have launched. Get a smaller home so they CANNOT move back in. Find a new man. Those are your options that will bring you the peace you so desperately . desire
I kind of think this option
I kind of think this option is the right one too. I mean.. both your kids and your DH's are availing themselves of the use of the home. His kids may be relatively worse behaved.. but I guarantee that if you have a discussion with your DH.. you will find there are plenty of things about living with your adult kids that irk him to high heavens as well.
It just doesn't feel he has enough control over his kids... to make this work... and on your end.. the ability of all your kids to move out is slim if one of your children is disabled tot he point they can't be independant.
It seems like living apart would be a better and more peaceful solution for everyone.
Welcome to Steptalk!
So - you have quite a large household, an impending wedding and a lot to unpack with not much time and space to do so.
Firstly, read around here in whatever spare moments you DO have. Lots of folks in the same hard position you are in, you are not alone.
I would also recomending that you post about your adult SD in the Adult skids forum for more focused advice.
The Sd 16 needs some tougher love than what she is getting. And STD? Parties with drugs and alcohol???????
Consider cameras inside for all the Skids. Get some popcorn going and view tapes with intended.
Do you REALLY want to marry someone who doesnt parent?????????
Hey, Bee,
Hey, Bee,
Your post played havoc with my blood pressure since there in nothing in this world that I despise more than a thief! Do you have an inkling as to who is taking the missing items? If not, my first order of the day would be to purchase a security camera system (they are surprisingly inexpensive on Amazon).
Clearly, since theft was not an issue before you and your biological children were living with the stepchildren, the new additions are at fault. So, what is your fiancé doing about the problem? They are his children and he is responsible for their behaviour!
You’ve mentioned that your husband is passive and a people pleaser; goody for him! Seems like he’s got it made with a large, comfortable home to spend time with his own kids as well as accommodating the invasive visits from his adult daughter and undisciplined grandchildren. I would have put a stop to that incursion long ago! Speak up for yourself! I’d be letting your husband know, in no uncertain terms, that his daughter/grandkids would be welcome upon invitation alone.
You may be expecting the stepkids to launch within a tolerable period of time but, believe me, your dealings with them are a lifetime affliction. Particularly when there’s a thief (maybe more than one) in the quartet. Judging by her other undesirable deeds, I’d guess that your husband’s 16-year-old is the one with the sticky fingers. And, damn, if I were your 28-year-old, I’d be erupting in rage over the loss of her expensive property. GRRRRRR!
What?
Has your fh offered to PAY FOR THE HAIR?! Is he waiting for you to tell him?
Sorry, I'd be putting locks on the bedrooms AND cameras up. Actually, no, I wouldn't, because I refuse to live with people I do not trust...
Personally, I think he should move back out and you can date until the kids launch. Then perhaps consider trying to move forward.
But seriously, you had this great life before him and now? Is he (and his kids) really adding value to your life? Or are they dragging you down?
Have you considered a prenup? YOU SHOULD.
I have no useful advice. In
I have no useful advice. In your situation, I would have FH move out until his kids are launched. I would not marry him before that, either. I couldn't live like that. I don't have anxiety and I felt extremely anxious just reading your post. It sounds like you are OK with it, though. If he and his kids are staying, I'd say cameras, a rule that no one touches/moves anything that doesn't belong to them, and no more SD23 and kids overnight. That house is overcrowded as it is.
Nope, just nope.
Nope, just nope.
How his kids live when they
How his kids live when they are not at your home is not your problem. It is not your concern whether they live in one room or a 20 room mansion. When they are at your house. You set the rules. You could try talking to FH in advance. Agree on some rules and tell him you expect him to enforce them and back you up. But, based on his track record I don't foresee success.
DF arranged a hotel party and left them there with a chaperone. Who was the chaperone? Family friend? Relative? Hired person? Whoever it was, it was wrong to do so. Parents chaperone parties. No responsible parent leaves his teen daughter in a hotel and expects no boys. Especially not a daughter who he knows is sexually active (STD). No responsible parent kicks out only some and lets the party (where there are drugs and alcohol) continue.
DF is drinking to excess. He's making poor decisions and is irrational.
You are suffering in your home. Is this the way you want to live? DF has shown you who he is. Believe him. Put the wedding plans on hold. Have him move out. Date if you want, but his kids visit him at his new residence.
If your SO can't control their spawn, keep them out of your home
and life.
If you want to make the theiving stop, WEB CAMS!!! Everywhere except bathrooms and bed rooms. Tell your kids. Then tell SO's kids.
Those who have nothing to hide, won't mind. And the one(s) responsible, will in all liklihood lose their ever loving minds, be all offended, etc.... If you catch them on camera stealing, press charges.
Keep in mind, quality people who are quality parents, raise quality children. Not perfect, but... quality.
IMHO of course.
Good luck.
RUN!!!!!
Believe me it's NOT worth it!!!!!!
Dump him
Why go through all of this.? Is this a way to live? He using you, he drinking. Not careing about anything and you are going nuts. Time to give up. Give him a thirty day notice
Put them on notice
It sounds like your FH needs to be put on notice that his drinking is becoming a problem, and if he doesn't get help, or stop, then he will need to move out.
Also, any kids that are adults and are stealing from you, disrespecting your space, etc - needs to be told they are not allowed in the home anymore.
Any kids that are under 18 and are misbehaving also need some boundaries set by both parents, and those boundaries enforced with chores and other consequences.
There is no need for you to suffer in your own home. Your husband doesn't get to just "check out" by drinking himself into a stupor. I would lay down the law, and start preparing for the worst. Make sure your finances are protected (hire a lawyer) and start steering this out of control ship.
Tread carefully here
I, too wanted to spend time with my stepsons and grow our relationship but that happens when everyone works at it.
You asked for advice, my 2 cents is to wait on getting married. What is it about him that is worth marrying? You’ve been able to accomplish getting your own house pretty much on your own! Your biological kids occupy that space with you, and with his kids coming into the picture and not respecting your space and privacy, I hate to say this but you’re inviting chaos into your home if you marry this guy.
Now I’m not saying you shouldn’t date him, but maybe you wait until his kids are launched and grown to marry. I’ll share my own tale with you.
When I met DH, I really liked how he cooked and had his kids say grace and they ate together like a family. Something I wasn’t used to. However within that first month of me moving in, someone stole from my purse. The first time it happened I thought maybe I misplaced it. The second time, I asked DH who said he wouldn’t have noticed 20 bucks go missing (I was in my final semester at nursing school and I was on a tight budget so of course I noticed). He asked his kids if they did it, they denied it and DH believed them because they both swore to God. Third time it happened I thought it was DH himself but he begged me to let him fix it. Went to the boys room before they went to school and got it out of the older one that it was him. No consequences, he didn’t even have him apologize to me, though DH apologized. At that time, kids were 12 and 7. The smallest one who was 2 lived in Florida.
I eventually discovered from BM2 that she left because of the kids. She picked up her 2 year old and left due to similar issues. The red flags had been there but because I was so over the moon that I found a “nice guy”, I missed them!
DH is also a “nice guy”. So nice in fact, that I have been stolen from over and over again and no consequences have been enforced. Sound familiar?
I used to think that stepsons would be appreciative that we moved from a 2 bedroom apartment (when there were 4 of us, sometimes 5 with the youngest ss visits) to a 5 bedroom house. They were appreciative…so much so that SS23 (19 at the time) began to bring shady people over, practically moved his gf in and turned up every time his dad went to do the overnight shift (2x a week).
Every time I left my house I had to wonder what would happen, I still don’t have peace. The last incident was 2021 when my brother died. I went to drop some stuff off in Florida and SS16 told SS21, so they took my car for joyride except they got a ticket because ss23 has always been a shit driver, which is why I didn’t leave him my keys to begin with. Their excuse? There was NO FOOD in the house so they needed to go get a pizza an hour away when we have a pizza shop right up the block. Also, there WAS food at home, they just needed to cook or boil water.
All this stealing and lying and guess what? DH has done nothing about it because you know, he’s “nice”. All they have to do is tell them how they are all screwed up because their mom has mental health issues and it depresses them and that enough is excuse to allow them to be off the hook. Look at my blog for more horror stories.
Ss18 is about to drop out of school in his last year because he’s not scared of DH because DH is “nice”. He’s always lied about grades since I met him and DH was always too lazy to be consistently on his ass. Don’t get me wrong, DH gets mad at them every now and the and he talked to them, but he barely disciplined or gave them consequences. Even if he did, it was NEVER consistently enforced.
At this point, ss23 is about to be a dad. I know when he’s broke (which is always), he’ll be freeloading in my house with his kid. I am in the process of trying to rent my house out to go back to a 2 bedroom. Ss18 does not deserve his own room and I don’t want ss23 getting ideas about coming back.
It’s all nice in the beginning when you get a nice man, but if he continues to let his kids disrespect your home and your kids, you WILL lose respect for him. If he does not set the tone for the vibe in your house, he’s leaving it up to you to be the “evil” one so that he doesn’t have to do the work of parenting. It starts off as little things, like stealing hair, but it will snowball if it goes unchecked and you will become resentful.
These are your red flags and it is your life. If I was you, I’d date him but I wouldn’t allow him to fully live in my home unless he was willing to put his foot down to his own children when they do things like steal and lie. Because if he can’t do it now, he won’t do it later. And later those small things become bigger thing. That type of vibe will poison your home. Being in love is nice, but the foundation of love is trust. If you can't trust him to handle his kids you're already on shaky foundation. And when you don't have trust you can never have peace.
Not being invited with wife to functions with stepson
I've been married for 15 years and over this time I have been excluded/not invited to my stepsons graduation, at Christmas he will invite his mother to dinner or a show (Beattlejuice) and excludes me. But I am expected to give him Red Sox game tickets, I'm a season ticket holder, to games my wife and I don't go to. It hurts that I'm not included! I feel that my wife really does not care about me and my feelings, I know that I am not her priority, If my son invited me to a function, I know he would include my wife, his stepmom. But it's not the same with her kids, I'm left out!