Ungrateful, Ungracious, Self-Centered
Hello Everyone. I feel like Ive found my flock! Does anyone else actively avoid their teenage SD. Mine is 17. She has been living with me and her father (my husband) for almost five years now. I have already raised three amazing kids who are in their twenties and independent. I have tried everything I know to assist my husband in parenting. Ive been "hands-on", "hands-off", cheerleader, advice giver, and even tried to disengage all together. Her mother died when she was three and her memories are of two other women (one for 6 years and the other for 3) who were very permissive mother-like people in her life. I don't know why I thought that just because my kids turned out well, that I should have assumed I would be a good stepmother to her. Her background is a complete 180 from my kids. She is self-centered and selfish. She is lazy and, though she has every opportunity to pursue outside activities, she chooses to spend most of her time alone and on the computer. She only acts nice to me and asks about me when she wants something. She manipulates with smarmy hugs and disingenuous "I love yous". Her father is aware and does see it but has always felt too guilty about her past to really discipline her. Yet, he is her only disciplinarian because that ship has sailed concerning me. By this time, it would be impossible for a complete personality change. I also take care of my father in our home, post stroke. So, home is stressful and I end up avoiding my SD as much as possible. Anyone else in this boat?
Yes I am.... but the only
Yes I am.... but the only difference I do not hide from Aergia (SD17) she hides from me..... as long as I pay I stay and I will not tolerate your crap....
You said it yourself - your DH is the real problem cause he does not want to hurt his little pwincess's feefees...
Guilty Daddies.... well I disengage... I do nothing for Aergia, I have no expectations from her, not my kid not my problem....... SO have to deal with her and if he complains I smile and say - your kid your problem.
Aergia does the same - she's very nice if she wants something, I simply ignore her, smile and say I'm not your mother ask her or your father (now reason for my answer - she told me I'm not her mother and I should get the eff out of her house - this was 3 years ago.... I just keep reminding her about it)
Yes, the moment she came to
Yes, the moment she came to live with me, she announced that I would "never be my mother". I told her I would help her daddy none the less. I fortunately was renting a house with an exit from our bedroom and took many stress walks during that first 2 years. After 2 years in a tiny apartment (it was hell), and uncovering much deceit, especially on the internet, we are again in a house where I can escape. I don't want to be her mother. I hate the term "step-mother". I agree that the avoidance thing is the best course of action. It's sad but I just can't be used and disrespected.
We do have a plan for when she turns 18, in November of her senior year. If she does not follow the rules in my father's home, where we all live, she's out. If she wants to live here for college, she will pay rent for her room. No boys spending the night, no loud parties, etc...Dad is 84.
If she fancy's herself an adult at 18, with all the benefits and none of the responsibiity, she can go live somewhere else. DH is totally on board. I feel very lucky with that after reading so many other stories here.
Is Aergia making plans for when she technically becomes a "grown up"?
yes Aergia is making plans
yes Aergia is making plans for next year.... and allot of them... poor child forgets who's handling the purse strings
We are making different plans for her....I will get my way.... she thinks she's moving to the city to study, have a flat and maid and Daddy will pay for it all, internet, cable, vehicle, gas, allowance monthly... and she picked a 6 year course.... guess what snowflake, 2 year diploma, living in a dorm sharing with 3 other girls and the allowance...
oh maybe a quarter of what you had in mind....which will include gas money
Wow! Same thing here. My SD
Wow! Same thing here. My SD keeps failing to get a job. Everything is handed to her. Example: last night my DH told me that my SD wanted to attend comicon in May. She needs $60 plus food, etc. She reminded him that she used to be paid to do chores and wonders how she can make money now. I told him, unfortunately unsolicited, that she should finally get a job. 100 bucks between now and May is easy working fast food. If she refuses, she doesn't want to go that badly. Paying her for what is expected just to be a member of this household (very little BTW) would not reinforce the value of contributing. She needs to get a job and start saving for college. She was fired as a babysitter this Summer. She only applied for jobs which she would "feel passionate about" because she said she would be a better worker if she liked it. The girl needs to discover what work is.
she can still make money by
}:) she can still make money by doing chores..... dishes every day, mopping, sweeping, vacuuming, dusting....gardening.... you name it.....
There's actually people making a living out of being a domestic help and she does not need to stop at your house....
but her own room and cleaning of it does not fall under chores,
imagine her face when you come up with that brilliant suggestion lol....
The "chores" issue has been a
The "chores" issue has been a hot button item since she arrived. My expectation is that she will laugh and ask if we're serious. Right now she vacuums the downstairs and cleans her bathroom weekly as well as keeping her room clean. Adding chores would be a good idea...and only pay her for those. good idea...thx.
You can say... If she does
You can say...
If she does this and this - full weekly list of what she must do...
You will pay her X per week, if it's not done you deduct X from the weekly payment...
call a domestic company and ask them how the rates ETC works...
but make it clear - her room and bathroom does not fall into this..
Good ideas...thx.
Good ideas...thx.
"I don't know why I thought
"I don't know why I thought that just because my kids turned out well, that I should have assumed I would be a good stepmother to her." -- OP
Join the club. Sympathy
Thanks for the feedback and
Thanks for the feedback and solidarity. It seems that disengaging is the best alternative. It kind of sucks because I could have made a difference 5 years ago. The woman who was in her life for 6 years (3-9 yrs old) told her, before she and her father moved to my town to be with me (when she was 12), that she was "the only mother this girl would ever have" and that her father "just needs to be with a woman all the time". She also put question marks in her mind about if her father was spending enough money on her. A reasonable person would help prep the child for the move and encourage them instead of using them to hurt the father and express jealousy. The girl was emotionally damaged before I even had a chance. That's why the guilt is there in my DH. The best I can do is to support him in his parenting and count the days until she leaves. Then the honeymoon can continue.
Curious, was this a relative
Curious, was this a relative or a hired caretaker or a former girlfriend?
It was a former girlfriend.
It was a former girlfriend. After his wife died, when his daughter was 3, he was vulnerable to the first woman who offered to "help" him. He was convinced that he could not do it alone. She manipulated him. After a few years, they were not together but the woman wanted to adopt the daughter of my husband. He stood his ground. After 6 years living with her, he jumped from the frying pan into the fire and moved in with an alcoholic whom he thought he would cure by giving her a family life. She was abusive to him and the daughter was neglected. She heard a lot of arguing. Finally, after many threats, he left after she punched him in the jaw, closed fist. It's very difficult to report and have physical abuse taken seriously when you are a man. He was afraid he could not survive alone. But guess what...he lived on his own in an apartment with his daughter for 9 months and did fine. But she got very spoiled and was not disciplined. This is what I received at my end.
BTW...I'm not trying to brag
BTW...I'm not trying to brag about my perfect kids. They're not perfect. But I would be there friend even if they weren't my kids because somehow they possess those qualities I most admire in human beings...ie. kindness, empathy, humility, gratefulness, diligence, etc...Just comparing/contrasting with the 17 yo SD. I'm not sure what kind of adult she will turn out to be. A little scary.
hey hey hey now - I brag
hey hey hey now - I brag about my bio Deigma all the time..... he's prefect compared to Aergia }:)
kid can do laundry and clean after himself, always say thanks and morning and no thanks... never swears at any adults, respects all living things ... in my eyes he's bloody perfect
Has the step child turned off
Has the step child turned off the bio child and caused them to spend less time with you or around the house?
You could be the BEST stepmom
You could be the BEST stepmom in history - but that just doesn't matter. You too have a guilty daddy on your hands, not going to do the kid any favors or help her not to be selfish and ungrateful. Learn to disengage from it and concentrate on yourself, your marriage, and your father, bless his heart.
Thank you.
Thank you.
I have two SD's. One is 12
I have two SD's. One is 12 and the other is 17. I entered their lives almost 6 years ago. When the oldest SD was 14, DH and I were engaged; she decided that she hated me. She told everyone so, and told family she was not coming back to our home. She would not speak to me, would speak to DH minimally. We pulled apart, gave her a couple of weeks and then had lunch. From that point on, once she returned to our home, I disengaged. I didn't know I was "disengaging" at the time, but it was the best thing I could have done. She has grown up a lot since then, and I am very proud of her. We have a good relationship now. I realize that I was over-parenting then, and I'm not even their Mother. It was difficult to step back, I wanted to do everything for them, and still do far more than I should. DH sometimes makes me feel like I should take on the Mother role completely; it is very difficult for him to understand that they have a Mother, whether we like her or not. They are with her 50% of the time. You will get through this. Remember to take care of you.
MC - I too have disengaged,
MC - I too have disengaged, but only just recently. What a huge load off my heart. I also did the gradual fade - stopped giving her rides to school because she ran late, and missed her chance with Daddy, stopped wanting to take her places or have shopping days. Im glad of the last one because she was recently caught shoplifting and banned from JC Pennys. My SD17 - when shes not around anyone else, is kind of ok. Especially since I do not try to mother her or parent her in any ways. Disengaging I have given up any kind of relationship that I had hoped for previously, and am trying to forge a new one.
I have lost hope for SD17 - its SD10 that I am now focusing on.
I know how that feels. So
I know how that feels. So difficult to live with a child who needs a lot of discipline and guidance and not be welcome to help with that. In fact, having repercussions coming your way for trying to help is very disheartening.
I feel better too, but still get very stressed when she comes into a room. She is very unpredictable.
I think that mothering is
I think that mothering is instinct. It's natural to want to step in and fill the gaps. I'm so glad your relationship has improved. I'll try to take care. You too.