Jealous, Upset, and Ready to give up!
I am 21 and my husband is 40. I have 3 Step-Kids SD14, SD12, and SS11. My SD14 drives me crazy! She is so self-centered and she acts like she is the only person that matters in this world, but when I say something to correct her I'm being an evil step-mother. A few months ago I found out I was preg. with my first child, and she told me that it had better be a boy. When I asked why she told me that she was her Daddy's little girl and if I had a girl she would throw her in a dumpster! I became very concerned and then asked why she would want to hurt her little sister and her responce was I'm just kidding, I would put her in a basket and send her down the river to find a new family. I became very stressed out about this and didn't know how to approch my husband with what she had said. He blew it off and said that she was only kidding and it should have never been an issue for me. I eventually lost the baby, now my husband SD12 and SS11 all want to try again! SD 12 and SS11 have voulentered to take up all of the chores that I do around the house so that I can rest. But, I am afraid to have a baby! I don't think she was kidding, I don't know what to do!!!
^^^THIS^^^^ omg, you could be
^^^THIS^^^^ omg, you could be their older sister! He could be your dad! If I was going to marry someone that much older than me, he'd BETTER have his shit together and I'd BETTER not have to put up with any crap like this. WAY too much to put up with. And it's possible that SD14 has an issue because you are only 7 years older than her!
I wonder if SD threatened to
I wonder if SD threatened to go to school and start shooting everyone would your DH say "oh, she was only kidding"?
OP - you should be very, very worried. SD has threatened to harm your child and your DH is not taking it seriously.
And I agree with Cheri - it is creepy that your SD12 and SS11 "want to try again". The kids have no say in a decision that involves your body.
If you were MY daughter, I
If you were MY daughter, I would be having a serious conversation with you about this whole situation. And I would not be happy about my 21yo marrying a 40yo. The two of you are on totally different emotional, physical and intellectual planes. You've not yet even reached your sexual peak, while he is already on the downturn.
Nor do I find it strange that children so close to your own age find it difficult to take you seriously as a parental figure. You're their contemporary.
I would give serious thought to the advice you've received. BEFORE you consider trying to conceive again.
iheardaboutBM - That is
iheardaboutBM - That is hilarious! You say age is "just a number" and then go on to explain the very reason WHY a 21 year old has no business with a 40 year old -
"at 21 you are still forming your own ideas about life and the world."
This is exactly what I
This is exactly what I thought when I read it. Thank you for saying it.
I think age difference is a bigger issue when it puts the stepparent within "peer" range with a stepkid. I believe that is what's happening in this situation.
I also struggle to see what 2 individuals who have a 20-year span between them could possibly have in common. With a range like that, there's a generation gap. Even with common hobbies, there's still going to be a difference in lifestyle...I would think.
DH is 7 1/2 years older than I am, but I am also old enough to be the parent of both of his kids.
Even the 7 1/2 year age difference is evident in the music we know. I do know a lot of the music he knew as a teenager, because I have older siblings who listened to it. We listen to a radio station that plays a variety of music...70's, 80's, 90's, & 2000's. Just last night some song came on that was completely foreign to me & he was singing right along with it. Something from "Talking Heads".
That makes our 7 1/2 year difference feel weird.
I can't imagine if something my parents used to bunnyhop to came on & he got all jazzed because that was his generation. LMFAO!
My question would be - how
My question would be - how old were you when you met/married your husband? The difference between 20 and 40 is greater than 30 and 50, or 40 and 60. As was posted, a 21yo is still forming his/her thoughts, opinions, interests and gaining experience in life, whereas a 40yo has already formed them.
Add in the age of the stepkids wrt OP, and it is not hard to see how her husband views her as more of a peer to his kids. His lack of concern regarding his 14yo's comments show a serious lack of respect for his wife and her concerns. Yes, if she were MY daughter, I would be concerned about the relationship.
I wasn't judgmental or making
I wasn't judgmental or making snarky comments. I was providing a different perspective, and the suggestion that OP seriously consider the opinions she received.
You didn't say snarky - I
You didn't say snarky - I brought that in, as I perceived your comments to indicate that. Mea Culpa.
But I DO think that there is often a difference in how people of different ages - generations even (which is what OP and her husband are - different generations) - see and understand things. Does it work? Sometimes, yes. When there is a mutual respect. I don't see that in how she described the situation. There is a lack of respect that very likely IS based on their different places in life. She should bear that in mind as she decides what to do with her situation. *I* would do so before bringing a child into the middle. I would hope she does, as well. That's all.
You're too young for all this
You're too young for all this crap. Get out of the marriage and find a single and childless guy and start your own family.
If you insist on a lifetime of this crap at least to this: And yes it will be a lifetime - welcome to your personal hell - its just starting.
http://www.steptogether.org/disengaging.html
I am going through the
I am going through the Mini-wife syndrome with my SD17 AND SD17 decided to do a pointed gun motion directed at me with her hand last night when her dad was not looking. SD17 acts like his wife, statements- Where did you two go? What took you so long. Her past SM has already accused SD17 of trying to kill her. I am (Step-mom SM) #2
SD has lied straight to our faces and even when she was confronted she lied again.She competes with me all the time. caressing his hair (15-20 times in one hour almost every hour and when she is not doing that she is playing with his leg, his ears , his neck. slapping his butt, kissing him on the lips! I am tired of this!!
I have been feeling very sick since us all moving in together and have landed in the hospital myself. my computer has been getting messed with, she created a secret admin account and has the remote access turned on, I can not log into it. I have tried deleting the account different times, only to have it return again. I use my laptop for business, My lungs collapsed all of a sudden beginning of this year, before this I had developed non stop fevers, I was so weak, nauseated.
major headaches. I did not have the flu, I had no cough, I did not even have a sniffle, even the doctors were not sure why lungs did what they did. My work CD's have been coming up missing as well. Food from the house.
Oh. My. GOD........
Oh. My. GOD........
For all the people focused on
For all the people focused on the age difference, you haven't addressed the issue that she is having. Regardless of whether she was 39 and he was 40, the point is that she raised a concern, and he dismissed her. Nobody should be in a relationship with someone who dismisses something that they find to be important.
If you are truly upset about this, and your husband is not supportive, then unfortunately you have to decide whether you want to be involved with someone who's not the same page. It has nothing to do with the age difference, and everything to do with how he handles himself and his children.
If you cannot get him to see eye to eye with you on your fears, then you should really think about having children with him. I think your relationship may have issues that stem not from the age difference, but from his inability to stand up for you.
Have to comment here- my own
Have to comment here- my own SM, the 1st one, was 21 and I was 13.Dad was 36. She and I got along great, we laid out in the sun together, did each other's hair and makeup, etc. My dad was actually a lil jealous I think cause when I visited she and I hung out more than I did with him! lol Even if I had disliked her it wouldn't have mattered though- she was my dad's wife and therefore someone to be respected and treated nicely. Your problem is with your husband- he needs to nip her bratty behavior in the bud.
^^^I agree. My stepmom is
^^^I agree. My stepmom is only 6 yrs older than me. Dad met her in 1991 a year after I graduated high school. We got along great and still do.
The problem in this scenario is the husband. He's dismissing OP's issue with the kids and the SD14 is seriously a threat to a newborn baby if she's going to be so jealous that she doesn't want to share her precious daddy!
Her DH needs to step up and parent the kids correctly and stop this mini wife behavior immediately.