My SD's attitude creates tension every time she comes to visit EOW...what can we do, if anything?

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Hello all,

I am new to the site. I have spent the past several days reading the forum before registering. I see some of my situation in your posts and need a place to vent AND get advice.

I have a SD of 14 and this child is so depressing, even my animals pick up on her negative energy and make themselves scarce.

She is, and rightfully so, upset over the divorce of her parents, her dad moving on and he and I getting together. I get it, heaven knows I do. I was a SD myself and I resented my dad moving on after my mother's death and remarrying. The woman moved into our house, slept in my mom's bed, wore mom's clothes, blah blah blah...my dad was whipped and didn't see what I was seeing and didn't get how traumatizing it was until I was an adult and we had heart to heart.

Anyway, this kid comes in the door with a smug stinky face on and keeps it until she is on her way home Sunday. I have tried to engage her but I get monosyllable responses and then nothing more.

Backstory -
After 20 years of marriage he no longer wanted to be married. He told his wife and kids (yes, there is a son but he is absent, more on that later) and felt it was only right to move out and let her have what she wanted within reason and that ended up being everything but his clothes and his car. I know her mom is upset over the divorce (it was final two years ago) and it was a nasty one based on how much money she would get and this is after he walked away from the house, all furnishings, mementos, money in savings, etc. He took his clothes and one set of bed sheets when he moved into his apartment. It was while they were going through the divorce and he was out of the house when he and I began dating. I did not meet the daughter until after he moved out, but before the final mediation. I know we should not have met until AFTER all was said and done, and I decided after seeing how cold the daughter was to remove myself (yes, after the fact) and not go around her again until the divorce was final. She did not want the divorce even though they'd been in separate rooms for years (his version of the story of course). So it is possible she is feeling some of what her mother is feeling to the extent that she is angry.

I have my own DD of 12 and she has even tried to engage her...no dice. The girl is miserable. She ignores everyone except her dad. She stays in her room (yes, she has her own room in our home). When she does come out of her room she does so when no one is around or only her dad. She won't bathe, she won't clean her room, she won't do much but text her mom (her words) eat and sleep. I tell him she is probably depressed. I think there is more but I am not privy to what goes on in her house nor do I feel the need to be.

Any advice on how to break through? I realize I haven't provided the whole story but I wanted to keep this short as an intro and it's still long. If there is anything you want to know, please ask and I will answer.

I am at my wits end and I'm sick of her nasty attitude. She is never pleasant. I have tried talking to her one on one to see if I could get through to her. I shared with her my experience as a SD and how I understood how having to accept a parent moving on is not easy.

I don't know what else to do to make it better. Her dad spoiled her rotten when he moved out and they had weekends together, she ate like a pig (his words), went shopping every weekend, went on trips and was able to hang out with just her dad and he NOW sees the monster he created but I think it may be too late.

Help!?!?!

This problem of dad and mum

This problem of dad and mum spoiling the kids and making them the centre of attention is often the case when mum and dad are not getting on and instead of fixing it or leaving they hang in there and try to tell the world it is for the sake of the kids, when in fact all it does to the kids is destory them and give them an unrealistic expectation of life and family. It tells these kids, well mum and dad have nothing happening, but they stay together anyway for us kids. Then one partner either finally leaves or finds someone else then leaves (worse still) but whatever happens, the kids false sense of security gets kicked in the guts, and the partner is going to be blamed.

You can do nothing, her father needs to sort it out, and he needs to start by being honest.

That may be, well I spend far too much time with you because I wasn't happy with your mother and I should not have done that to you, I should have worked towards giving you a more realistic view on life. Or, well I am sorry, your mother and I weren't getting on for years and then I met X, I loved her and wanted to be with her, yes I left your mother but x was not to blame for your mother and I staying together for all the wrong reasons, x is not the reason I left your mother, I left because I was very unhappy.

He needs to tell her the absolute truth and he needs to leave you well out of it. Whatever happened the kids have a viewpoint on it, and he needs to be 100% honest because she will see through him if he is not. She has some idea of what went on in that home, you do not, you only have what he tells you, and sorry, but that may not have been completely true.

You do not have to accept her rudeness, and you may need to address that quick smart if your husand does not. The longer that is left the worse it gets. However it would be preferably your husband do it. If he fails to then you will have to set some boudaries on that. Because if he sits silently by while she is rude and dissrespectful, the message she gets from that is, dad doesn't mind if I treat his wife like shit, and believe me, she knows what she is doing to you, she's doing it on purpose. She is punishing you becasue dad left.

Dad needs to sort it out. Dad created it. Can your DH do this, because if he won't, you cannot.

She will never believe you, she will never accept you, she will always have in her head the notion that but for you her parents would still be together. You cannot get that out of her head, and her dad may not be able to either, but he needs to be honest and he needs to try. Most importantly, he needs to make sure he keeps you out of it. His talk with her needs to be all about him and his realtionship with her mother. He needs to apologise for hurting her, he needs to acknowledge her pain, and he needs to apologise for giving her the impression that no matter how bad things were at home he would never leave. Because that is what he did. Sure he didn't mean to , but ultimately he did. so now he needs to sort it out.

Thank you all for the

Thank you all for the insight!! @emotionally beat up, your last paragraph really hit home. He says he has tried...he has actually told her how he left the home because he was unhappy at a "family" meeting about her attitude and the way we needed to be civil if nothing else here. She cried and said it wasn't because of me but because they used to hang and it was just "us two" and now "they" are here. He told her that "they" live here and this is our home. He told her he loved her and he did not divorce her but divorced her mother.

I shared with her my resentment and how I felt she was under the impression that when she was here that she was in a 5 star hotel and had a staff to cook and clean up behind her. I let her know that under no certain terms was I or my daughter her maid. I told her that when she is here she needs to carry her load. She is capable of washing dishes as are the rest of us. I let her know I was sensitive to the feelings she may have but I still was not going to put up with her nastiness or her making sure she was on her dad's arm when we were out. Yeah, it was almost a throwing of elbows when we would go out and he attempted to hold my hand or put his arm around my waist!

He noticed it all and said he would talk to her alone about her behavior and let her know that when she comes over, if she doesn't change her demeanor she could stay at home. He says he tells her every time they are on their way to our house to check her attitude. He says she will get into the car with her stinky face on. He asked her, and I was mortified, in front of me if she hated me and my daughter. She said no. However, when my daughter walks into the tv room, she leaves. When I walk into the kitchen, she leaves. If she is talking to her dad when I come in, she gets quiet and...leaves. So, as mentioned in other replies I have to believe it is one of four things- 1) she is doing it to shown him how much she dislikes us being around in our own home; 2) she is doing it to show her mom loyalty; 2) she is doing it because she really just has no personality and a nasty attitude; 3) she simply doesn't want to come over and; 4) she is doing it to illicit a response from him. I am a firm believer in some people wanting attention and be it negative or positive they will take what they can get.

Yes, he needs to sort this out. He is trying but it is like it is undone each time she comes over again.

I have disengaged and that hurts DH's feelings...but who wants to engage a stone wall and a nasty one at that?

I have read the book StepMonster and that is why I decided to disengage. I then find he will go behind and clean up behind her...UGH!! REALLY DAD?!?!? Could you be anymore enabling and send that message to us? Keeping food in her room knowing that is not allowed. Not bathing...telling her to bathe only for her to run water and come out fully clothed after 5 minutes. Telling her again, there is no way she bathed in 5 mins and to get back in the shower...only for her to come out again, same story. No towels used...no water in sink saying teeth were brushed...it goes on and on. Making her bed because she didn't do it? Cleaning her nasty assed snot tissues left all over after she goes home...REALLY?!?! And I'm supposed to engage her? Why bother? You are making it easy on her by doing this...you are saying she doesn't have to abide by the house rules.

Okay, that was a rant...sorry!

I will take all advice and see what happens next. I'm so sick of this mess though...I actually get anxious every other Thursday because I know what is coming.

Oh and BM...yeah, that bon-bon broad is no help. She told the kids it was because of me that he left. Even though we did not start dating until after he left and filed for divorce. She had PIs take photos of me (all came out in court) and she did drive bys at my home clear on the other side of town only to find...HA he isn't here because it is not like that. Shopping in stores near my home when she lives 20 mls away...just craziness...and with SD with her. She told the kids, when we had to go out of town for my son's graduation from AF Basic Training, that he needed to spend more time with them and not his new family. Really lady...he was home one day later and still got her the day we got back, no CO was in place, he got her every single weekend on his own. Paid all of her bills before being ordered by the court. She tells him that if she can't have things it's his fault in spite of the $2000 she gets in CS each month for the one brat. He told her to use the money he provided to get the extras as what she gets is way more than enough. This kid is well taken care of and rightfully so...she comes over EOW with designer purses, shoes and clothes...everything has to be name brand...Label Whore in the making anyone? I have no problem with it all because it is not my kid, however, to beat him up because she wants more designer stuff and he won't get it sucks because then guess what we get...a kid with a nasty attitude believing DADDY won't let her have such and such!

I could go on and on...but I will post again later. We are getting ready for another outing and I've gotta get my head right !!

I would suggest that you

I would suggest that you start by reading the book "Stepmonster" by Wednesday Martin. It is one of the only books around that explains the dynamics of how stepfamilies work. One of the main things you have to understand is that step kids can only be free to form an OK relationship with their new step parent IF and only if BOTH the bio parents of the kid "give their permission" implicitly for this to happen. If her mother has a bad attitude towards you and the SD picks up on this - which of course she will - there is not a snowball's chance in hell of you "breaking through" as you call it.
You could also read this: http://www.stepfamily.org/dynamics.html

I had this - my now adult bios formed a good relationship with my DH as my exH was respectful and accepting of our relationship.
With my SDs bio mom - the opposite was the case - before she ever met me she was bad mouthing me to them. I did not break up her marriage or anything like that - they were already living apart. She kicked my DH out - so no reason for it except plain nastiness and her being a dog in the manger.

I suggest you settle for civility with your SD - treat her respectfully and demand the same from her. If you do not get it you should make sure your DH addresses this. Personally I am not bothered that my SDs spend most of EOW with us in their room. Most teens tend to do this anyway.

I can try for civility

I can try for civility Kes...I think that should be a given but I realize I am dealing with an emotionally wrecked child.

I will take that! What I do not like is when I am in the room and she comes in she says nothing but marches to her room! That is nasty and from where I come, poor home training. I was never allowed to ignore an adult no matter what my issue was. Now, granted, I cannot push my upbringing on to her per se, however, I believe in my house, my/our rules need to apply. I am not expected a "how are you" or anything, not that she has ever asked. But a hello would be fine.

Wish me luck...and thank you again!!

I would back away from her.

I would back away from her. Stop trying so hard. Understand that you don't have to have some close loving relationship with her. I'd be cordial when she entered the house on the weekends, but otherwise go about my business. Spend a lot of time with your daughter, since your sd is in her room ll the time you and your dh can enjoy cuddling on the couch and watching movies. My guess is also that this will not change. So don't put your heart and emotions. Into it. Just go about your life, consider yourself lucky if she hides in her room- just maybe if she sees what a great life you all are haing she might eventually decide to join in.

I will back away to a certain

I will back away to a certain extent. It is hard to outright ignore her some times, but easy as pie others.

I have tried to get DH to understand, she does not need to love me, she does however have to respect me and the household.

When we do as suggested, she will sometimes come down (stinky face in full effect) or she will stay in her room.

I am thankful for the times she hides in her room. It's DH that gets all antsy!

He knows he has guilt issues and he recognizes he has to stop enabling her. He recognizes he is producing a member in society that will believe the world revolves around her and all she has to do is pout and things will change. NOT!!

I will stop trying to hard! DH says to simply take my stand and let her know that I am the woman of the house and that she is a child and to put her in her place. He says he will back me. My reluctance stems from even though he says he will back me, he does nothing to lead the way as the bioparent.

I will keep you posted! Thanks again!

I've read your original post

I've read your original post and your replies and it seems to me you've got a good handle on this situation. You realize that you're not the problem, that you cannot solve her problem(s) and about the best you can do is civility although that seems out of reach. You think you've disengaged but that's the one area I think you can take a step further.

You have to decide that this kid is meaningless in your life. She stonewalls you - so what? If you stop saying hello she can't stonewall you. You've preempted her reaction by giving her nothing to react to. She walks in the door you literally don't even look up.

Now I don't belive you're going to change this girl. My point is that if you complete the disengagement process by simply not acknowledging her presence you will remove all this negativity from your own mind. Let her room be cleaned by Daddy, let Daddy handle the showers and everything else that is bothering you. Silence is your by-word. Both in your interaction with her and with her father. Let him do as he sees fit unless you have some positive suggestions - which you give once and once only. Her mannerisms are bothering you because YOU're letting it bother you. In reality she's doing nothing to harm you.

Complete the disengagement process by effectively erasing this girl from your existance. Only the BM and BF can help her and probably only then with professional help which you should suggest if you haven't already done so - once.

Thanks O.C., CA. Your candor

Thanks O.C., CA. Your candor is greatly appreciated! I wilL attempt to completely disengage. Wish me luck!

I see where OC is coming from

I see where OC is coming from on this and disengaging but the only thing I would add caution about is letting SD get waited on hand and foot and cleaned up after by her Dad.

The reason is your own DD12. If everyone in the family is expected to pick up after themselves and pitch in with household chores, including your DD, how are you going to explain it to her?

I know if I were your DD, I would get a real case of the red-ass watching SD14 prance out of the room while I was helping put the house in order, or seeing your DH clean up after her, when I had to clean up after myself.

2Tired... Yes, the DD is

2Tired...
Yes, the DD is seeing this and I have conversations with her when we are alone that I want her to, in spite of SD, to be a contributing memner of society and that although SD seems to be getting over, all that is really happening is she is learning to depend on others to carry her weight. I tell my DD that she has to continue to do her part. I tell her that she cannot slide down that same slippery slope because if she does, she will more than likely ALSO be viewed in the same light we view the SD and that is not a good look! She gets it and she continues to do what I ask of her.

Well, today, with a new leaf turned over, I told SD to go clean her pigsty of a room. I know I have to disengage and in ways, I absolutely will. But what I will not allow is nastiness in my home. Since DH is not requiring her to do anything, I will. She can either do it, or take her nastiness and her nasty attitude back home.

2Tired... Yes, the DD is

2Tired...
Yes, the DD is seeing this and I have conversations with her when we are alone that I want her to, in spite of SD, to be a contributing member of society and this household and that although SD seems to be getting over, all that is really happening is she is learning to depend on others to carry her weight. I tell my DD that she has to continue to do her part. I tell her that she cannot slide down that same slippery slope because if she does, she will more than likely ALSO be viewed in the same light we view the SD and that is not a good look! She gets it and she continues to do what I ask of her.

DH made breakfast for us all. He is busting his ass to clean up and I point blank asked him why he was doing it while primadonna sat on her ass. He said it's okay, I will do it. I told him to leave it and I asked my DD to come clean the table and for she and her friend to get the DD's bedroom in shape. I turned and then told SD to get off her butt and do something. She said okay and went about doing something (cleaning her room). I am fine with that and since DH is afraid to demand she contribute, I will. Is that disengaging, maybe, maybe not, but I will not be expending any other energy on her. The house is mine to take care of and manage (yep, I traded that responsibility over maintaining our cars and the god awful yards around our home with a gazillion leaves and branches falling). I am the woman of the house and as such I will get the help I need to maintain it. Even if it means telling SD to get off her slovenly ass and do what I ask. As long as she does it, we will be good. As long as DH supports me on this and follows suit,I am fine. If I see that I am the only one, as we move into this new way of doing things, demanding she do something, then we will revisit this. He seems open to it, but also seems to need to see a new way of doing things.

I think he is afraid to make her do her part. It seems he'll do it begrudgingly rather than have her do it. He asked her to wash dinner dishes one time and you would have thought someone slapped her in her face. She did it, half assed, and he called her back to finish the job. He has truly created a monster.

I told DH to stop the Disney Dad weekends. I am fine with us all doing things, but his need to plan a full weekend every time the SD comes over has to stop. Sadly, he is used to taking orders (20+ yrs military) and is fine with being directed. Not in a demeaning manner but so as to know exactly what is expected of him so that he can meet whatever goal is in mind.

There is a new sheriff in town and she is not wearing lace up boots and carrying a black umbrella!

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My SD's attitude creates tension every time she comes to visit EOW...what can we do, if anything?