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I’m at my wits end

Tm's picture

So I haven't been on in a couple months I think lol. The backstory is my stepson has moved  in with us because mommy couldn't handle him anymore. He was supposed to go to a five month military type school but he has refused and of course it voluntary so they ask him if he wants to be there. He has been caught with weed in his room, he was high as a kite for a few days and lied about where his debit card was. He doesn't know how to do basic chores such as loading the dishwasher and mopping the floor. He doesn't brush his teeth and we had to take him to get a ton of cavities fixed. He's failing at his alternative school and lost his job. Now his current problem is he has no money and his phone is broke, oh and he has no money for vapes. I'm so fed up beyond belief, I come home and I dread being here around him. He is supposed to be actively looking for a job and he did turn in one application but has never followed up and has no clue how to do an application online. He lays around after his 4 hour school day and is not on the computer filling out applications. We literally have to remind him over and over to do things. I'm at my wits end but we have given him an ultimatum which is he has until his birthday to get grades up and have a job. If not we will give him a 30 day notice to vacate the property. I have a feeling that's what's going to happen. We have tried every approach to make him understand and it's not registering. We have talked calm, we have yelled, we have had heart to hearts. We have said if he works hard we will help him with a car but it's not working. It's as if he's content and it gets me so angry. He has zero drive and will not push himself and honestly I'd love to kick his butt out now but my husband says we need to try at least until his birthday. It's hard for me to sit back and watch this. I feel anger towards him every day, is that wrong? I don't want to be mean but I'm sick of the laziness and the lack of drive he has.

Aniki-Moderator's picture

Give the eviction notice 30 days before his birthday. No job? Happy birthday, enjoy your freedom.

What if your husband back pedals? Will he move out with SS or will you?

Tm's picture

I will move out with my other two kids if he doesn't stick to what he has agreed upon. We have typed it up on paper and put it on Stepsons wall for a reminder of what's going to happen. 

ESMOD's picture

Just because he isn't 18 (I'm assuming that is his birthday deadline).. doesn't mean that there isn't something that your husband can do about his son.

Actions have consequences.. there would not be a functional WIFI for him to tap into.. no cable.. no internet.. without a password that he does not have.  If his side of the bargain is not upheld.. his privileges are revoked.

If he is a minor.. your husband may have a moral and legal obligation to provide basic food, clothing and shelter.. beyond that? the kid is a minor.... everything else is optional.. games.. electronics.. etc.. 

I'm not sure why he even has a debit card.. he doesn't have a job does he?  and from what you say.. he is not doing what his dad asks of him.. so an allowance should be 100% out of the question.. right now.. the kid should be getting 3 hots and a cot.. nothing more.

So.. your husband needs to set basic boundaries.. and performance criteria for his son... he ties access to things the kid wants to that list.. and not performing means he loses privilege.. and is back to the meals and a bed.

Consequences.. can involve removing non essential things like electronics.. favorite clothes (designer if that's his thing).. sports equipment etc.. also refusal to act as a chauffer to social activities.. etc..

It's probably a good suggestion to get the kid into counseling and possibly family counseling to see how things can be improved.

Tm's picture

Well have told him we won't be buying him a phone or vapes and that he needs to get a job, so whether he puts the effort in or not, is up to him. He's 17 so we do have an obligation to at least provide food and a place to sleep but if he cannot get it together well he's out. He sees a therapist but no matter what anyone says to him it doesn't register and asking him to just graduate high school is a tall order.

Merry's picture

This kid sounds broken to me. An evaluation by a psychiatrist who works with teens would be my first stop.

Otherwise this is exactly the kind of kid who will end up on drugs living on the street.

Tm's picture

He's definitely broken and he has a therapist but nothing anyone says to him registers. And my fear for him is he will end up on drugs and homeless but these are his choices.

Rags's picture

If it is over 16 he can drop out.  It would be time  for forced emancipation if he was polluting my home with his presence.

If he is 18, change the locks and have your attorney send him a stay the hell away letter.


Tm's picture

I told him today he's about to be on the damn streets. Sick of the shit and zero response from him. It's like talking to a brick wall.