Is it wrong to live this way
Months ago I made a decision to not have any emotional interests in my SD17, we do not speak at all and haven't in a long time, and we live together full time. My DH thinks I should at least be civil, but I have so much anger at this kid, I can not even process the thought of having a conversation with her, she is one of those kids that you say black she says white and she is like this with everyone.In a wayI do feel guilty for living in a house of such strain but she created it with her constant lies, manipulation, disrespect and attitude, etc. DH is a bit oblivious to all of this. and of course she hates me because I catch her at all these things. Which I was hurt at first to see the text she sent DH that she hated me, but then again I cant stand her either. She says she wants a motherly figure, and I told her no she doesnt because she doesnt act like a daughter at all.(I do not have any children of my own, thank GOD for dogs) Of course I had to write this in a letter to her because I could not have said these things to her face with out screaming at her. Thats how angry I am.I myself can admit I can not have a civil conversation with her, she is such an mean person, and writes horrible things about me and I know she is just venting but the balls this kid has infuritates me at the things she writes. So anyway is it wrong for us to stay away from each other and live in silence until she graduates?? DH is upset over all of this. And I told him it is what it is,she is a little b**** and I dont like her, dont have to, she's not my kid, Thank god.
is she moving out when she graduates?
that would help . Has it always been this way? I ask because im in a similar situation. My SD9 and i so far are civil to each other...but dont get along great. At times it isnt to bad ..and others we just ignore each other. I also have no children (and thank God for my 2 wonderful dogs!!). Keep me posted.
Thats if she graduates
Good god I can only pray she goes to college, far away would be nice. DH and I went to a counselor and she said we dont need marriage counsling we need family counseling, she says we have a serious problem, and that she would like to eventually have us all together (no way) but then I think to myself she is the problem.
So not sure what is gonna happen, I heard a saying the other day, that explains exactly how I feel " I have replaced the hurt and devistation with anger and I am furious with her" Perfectly said dont you agree?? Thanks for chatting.:)
I live that!
Oh do I live this life with you!! Personally I see nothing wrong with it but then again I live the same way! My SD is 19 and thank God has plans to move out in the fall. DH doesn't say a word to me about it. I think because if I did have to talk to her he'd have to listen to us fighting all the time and would rather not so he's just as happy we don't talk.
I tried being civil and all I get is smart ass b*tchy answers unless she wants something(see my latest blog for that one). I'm with you on this one all the way!
Thank you thank you thank you!
OMG, I cant even stand the sound of her voice to even have a civil conversation with her. I just keep telling myself one more year then off to college, everyone says it will get better, but I dont think I care to even try. Why would I want to? I will read your blog to finally see that I am not alone.
You
really haven't told us why you hate her & won't talk to her----and why she hates you.
If she tried to kill you and screams foul language at you I WOULDN'T TALK NOR LIVE WITH HER.
If she acts like the average hormonal teenager (that unless they are yours you want to kill them), you need to be civil.
In other words, I hear your anger & you want us to help you, but you need to give us more details so we can be helpful.
Its a combination of things
We just dont like each other for several reasons, I guess I have tried so many times to be a maternal figure in the houshold but because I am not her mother she doesnt really care what I have to say and because DH is so oblivious to her manipulation and lies, I am the bad guy because I'm not a fool and calls her bluff, so when I bring things to his attention and she gets in trouble naturally she is going to hate me. After so many years of trying to have a relationship with her and getting hurt over and over, I guess I just finally have had enough. She is not your normal hormonal teen, she is just mean to everyone and have I no place for people in my life who treat me like that.
I think each family must find their own way of coping
In my situation, SD fluctuates between me and BM. If BM is buying her out, being her buddy, giving her no rules, then I am controlling and evil. If BM is ignoring her completely, and not allowing her to go do whatever she wants to do, then I am mother earth and her shoulder to cry on.
Right now we are in a limbo place where she is balancing both of us well. It's rare, and likely because SD is off to CA for a month and realizing perhaps that she may end up missing us both.
My SD is only 13 though. Hardly near adulthood in maturity.
I don't know how to help you with any advice. Your feelings are normal, and are likely justified based on what you say. And I detected that you understand on some level that from her perspective, hers are too (when you said, "She says she hates me, but I can't stand her either.") I know that feeling.
I think though that we don't really all hate each other. I think it was CG on here who mentioned to me a while back that the opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference. That's true.
And you are both acting "indifferent" but still frustrated, angry, hurt with each other. So I suspect that the reason for you questioning whether or not this complete "indifference" is right or not...
May come from the fact that deep down neither of you are truly so.
Does that make sense?
I would tell DH that you are both on survival mode. I guess I would try to be civil, though I know if feels fake as my SD and I have months long periods of it ourselves. But it doesn't have to be a permanent state. Sometimes I think of it as "going to our corners" in between rounds.
Goodluck.
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
Not so far apart
You and I are very similar, except my SD is 15. My husband too thinks I should ignore how badly SD treats me. Sorry, not going to happen. I am civil, but I told him that I will treat her as well as she treats me. When she says hello to me, I say hello in return. When she says thank you, I say you're welcome. When she asks politely to borrow my things, I say yes. Sounds good, right? Except that she almost never does any of those things. So, we live in a sort of cold war. I am done. I have spent nearly eight years living with SD, and it has gotten progressively worse. If she wants things to change, it's up to her. She's old enough.
My husband actually had the nerve to tell me one time that SD just wants me to say I love her. This from the kid who has stood in the middle of the street and screamed that she hates me. You don't get love when you are nasty and hateful to another person.
I can understand your husband's point of view, as I'm sure it is similar to my own husband's. But there is no way he would let someone who is not related treat me this way. The fact that he puts up with it because she is his child only makes it worse. He should respect me enough to make sure she doesn't treat me like crap. I spent years treating her well, but it was never good enough. I am done. SD is supposed to go live with BM, so we will see. Like you, we have custody at this point.
My point exactly
I too have been with SD for 8 years and I agree with you 1ooo% why would I want to be civil to someone who really wishes I wasnt around, I have been done for years and as awful as it sounds I wish I never had to see her face again, which I know will never happen unless I leave my husband, I throw the divorce word around alot, not that I actually want one but sometimes think we SHOULD because like it or not this is an awful way to live. Ha, I wouldnt dream of telling her I love her, to be quite honest I dont so why say it, right? How can you love a cold hearted b-tch.
And I too have said to my husband that he needs to correct his daughter's behavior and teach her some respect towards me and him. you are right it makes it ten times worse that he doesnt tell her to back off with her nasty notes (that I am not suppose to see) too bad I have seen them and do not appreciate it, her last temper tantrum she wrote F*** you, go die, nice huh. The BM pays no support, SD theatened to go live with BM but when DH actually asked her she said no, her ass would have been on a plane if I had my way. Let her mother deal with her attitude!
If your DH were that upset about it...
...he'd have put his boot up her ass long before now.
♥ Georgia ♥
"Good men don't just happen. They have to be created by us women." (from ROSEANNE)
Good god no
DH has always been so afraid that they will want to go live with BM that he has a blind eye to all of, or chalks it up to normal teenage BS. For gods sake she pays no support and he has never pushed the point, and until recently I never gave it a second thought, until recently I said you know what she is their mother she should be paying and you deserve it. In the beginning of our relationship we were getting $12.00 a month for 2 kids....are you kidding me?? I had to reiterate that if it were the other way around she would have her hand out every month. Now its his turn to take her back to court for support and back support.
I felt the same way about my
I felt the same way about my stepson. Lived with him for about 11 yrs and now at almost 15 i've had it. We don't talk at all and he goes out of his way to cause trouble. I told my wife after a big fight with him that its either him or me that needs to go. He now lives with the grand parents. I was ready to sell everything I own and move! Life is way to short.....if your not happy, get out.
Dogs are the best
Thank god we have dogs that don't give us any crap. I agree with you it is what it is. I grew up with 3 sisters and a brother and let me tell you we were not one big happy family and some of us just don't get along and to this day we are not close at all but are civil to one another at family functions. By saying that a 17 year old is certainly old enough to be responsible for her actions. When I was a kid I couldn't say one smart alec remark to my mom or dad or I was in big trouble. I'm sure a lot of us on this site remember that and why the hell do these teenagers get away with all this crap? What makes me angry is it sounds like your DH should have corrected the problem a long time ago and called her out on every little snotty thing she said, sent her to her room etc. And maybe she would have learned some RESPECT. When she is out on her own and sees how the real world is maybe, just maybe she will grow up some. Good luck - and I would ignore her too by the way - once you continually get beat down what is the use in going back for more?
I love my dogs
My 2 dogs are the reason I have lasted in this life of misery, I couldnt imagine leaving them or DH for that matter, but his kids are a part of him and I do want him. So I am sticking it out. I am 41 years old and to this day wouldnt even think to speak to my parents the way this kid speaks to her father, me, her sister, grandmother etc. I have 2 sisters and we always joke that when our mother passes we are putting on her headstone "you kids didnt dare" and to this day I dont.
All my mother has to do is give me a look and I know to shut my mouth.
Kids these days are snotty, rude, disrespectful and screwing anything they can ( which just disgusts me ) I told her that one day she is going to realize that I was there for her more than her mother and when she does I WILL NOT accept her apology and this brat said she will never apologize to me. See why I cant stand her??
Ii feel your pain...
I too am in a very similiar situation with my SD's, 19 almost 20 and 15. When I came into the relationship with me DH, the oldest SD was turning 16. Let me just say, that was a terrible time for me. She was starting to drive, staying out at night, drinking, you name it she did it. So when I started enforcing some rules, she would go to my MIL, who spoils this kid and MIL would call my DH. Keep in mind their mother is bipolar and left the girls when they were little. So MIL took them under her wing along with DH. She attended her first year of college this past year and I felt some relief. She is now at home, not our home but my MIL's or her boyfriend for the summer. My problem with her is that she never respected our home or our rules. Now that she is home, she comes to the house during the day, makes herself at home and I come home to clean her mess. She takes the other girls cloths and when I ask her about it,,she doesnt ever know what I am talking about and if she did she swears she never touched anyone's belongings. She takes food out of the cabinet and meat out of the freezer ( I am assuming for her and her boyfriends get togethers). Just the other night, me and DH was home alone on a SUnday night watching a movie spending some time together, her and her boyfriend show up looking for supper and turn the TV channel. When DH asked if I wanted to watch the movie that SD wanted to watch I said no. So she continued to watch "her" movie for a few more minutes and then got upset and left. I dont go out of my way to speak to her or her boyfriend. We are talking about a boyfriend that has threatened to drive his car into my house, fought my DH, kept her over night because they were drinking. I HAVE NO RESPECT and DO NOT like this boy. I love my SD's. and I feel terrible the love is not the same as the love that i have for my own daughter. My youngest SD also lives with us full time and granted its not easy. And I am entering the years with her when I entered my oldest SD's life. So I am sure these years will make me or break me. My DH is a big kid at heart and he wants to please everyone and I am the bad person at our house because I apply discipline. I have done what alot of you do and that is disengage myself to some extent. However by disengaging and when one of the SD's do something wrong then my DH throws in my face, "Why should you care, you dont communicate with them, you just complain to me when they do something wrong" Is there ever a win win situation?
I feel your pain too
They say the teenage years are the worse but they do end. God I hope I can survive that long. DH & BM got pregnant very young and she bailed shortly after they were 1 (and pays no support) so MIL took all 3 of them in, (dont get me started on MIL I cant stand her either she is the other stress in my marriage) can you say controlling calls my husband every day!
Anyway, he married his first wife from 95-98, then he meets me in 2000, I never wanted to date a man with kids, but you cant help who you fall in love with, and I had the best of intentions when I accepted his proposal and we were happy until the teen years. And one twin is worse than the other,and I know they have a ton of anger but why do I have to be the one to pay the price for their anger because their BM is married with 2 other children.
They too have never respected our rules , angry SD has defaced walls, furniture, FIL mad us a dining room table and she took a knife and put slashes all the way around it as well as our dining room chairs, of course no one knows how they got they got there, well I know I didnt buy the chairs that way, she never picks up after herself, throws dirty pads in her bedroom garbage not even wrapped in toilet paper, can you say disgusting pig.It drives me insane and the things that bother me dont bother DH. He thinks I am always looking for something to b-tch about, gee sorry for wanting my home to look nice. Just today I had to point out the black eyeliner splotches all over my carpet in a dozen different spots. That's when I want to kill them both.
I do not have any children of my own, maybe things would have been different if we had our own child but that isnt the case, I have 2 dogs who are my babies, they certainly are lot nicer than bratty kids.
Ughh my DH says the same thing about what do you care you dont talk to them anyway, that just sends me right over the edge, then teach your kids some respect. And I dont do the discipline, I suggest restrictions or groundings but he thinks I am too harsh. There is no win win situation. It really is an awful life to live this way.
I read your past blogs/history
So I could get a sense of your whole story. It soundes like you have been through a war with this child. And the main problem, I'm afraid to say, is not so much with the child, but with your DH. And trust me, I speak from experience on this one!
While our experiences do not exactly parallel each others, the results definitely do. When I came into the picture, my DH was the typical newly divorced dad (not by his choice). Plagued by guilt over the divorce and the fact that he could no longer see his daughters everyday, he made the CLASSIC big mistakes that a lot of dads do:
1)bought them everything they wanted (and more)
2)failed to give them any rules or discipline
He wasn't being intentionally malicious about it- he THOUGHT he was doing it with the best of intentions, especially for his middle daughter- the "Golden Child"- his favorite. And, what havoc it has brought to our lives because of it!
For years and years I would tell him that the kids needs boundaries. Rules. Consequenses for bad behavior. But it went in one ear and out the other. And it's not like I'm an idiot about kids- I do have a degree in education for cripe's sake! But finally we went to a therapist, and low and behold, it was like a light bulb went off in his head, "The kids need more boundries? Really? And you think that will help, doctor?"
Whatever. As long as he heard it, I didn't care.
And then we went to a Parenting COACH (not a therapist- but a coach , who gave us practical everyday strategies to put into place. And it was amazing!!! Amazing for several reasons:
1)DH actually followed through for the first time as a parent!!
2)the kids responded without the usual drama and antics!
3)our home is becoming a more peaceful place
My point is, Twinstep, things in your home will never change until your DH is willing to see the problems. If he is in this serious state of denial, as mine was for so long, then the situation will never change- and YOU will be the bad guy in the situation (as I was for so long). You said, "He thinks I am always looking for something to b-tch about," (a classic denial statement) as if you really want to live your life this way!
My advice would be to get back to that therapist and deal with HIS issues of denial with his parenting. Family counseling won't work until the TWO of you get on the same page first. And if your SD walks into a room and sees the two of you divided, it will only get worse.
Good luck to you.
"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis