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My Skids Life

Chel Bell's picture

Submitted by Chel Bell on Tue, 02/03/2009 - 11:40am

Well my MIL is up here visiting with all of us for the week. Yesterday she spent the day with my son, & I.....we had a great day, and was a good time to catch up. Of course we talked alot about the skids. If it was not for her, we would know nothing. SS does seem to be doing quite well, is holding his grades up (first year of H.S.) and is getting into graphic design/art. He does have a flair for it, I hope he keeps it up. He is hardly ever home though, he is a "skater", and spends most free time with friends.MIL also told us that his skin looks bad from breaking out, this made me laugh, because BM used to say it was our fault, and tried to use it as a sign that we were not taking care of him well enough. YEAH, O.K. He is 15, and wants to get a job badly.He will be 16 in Nov., and is getting his drivers permit. So despite that he's out running around alot, he is doing well over all, and is staying out of trouble. SD is a bit different. She is o.k.and things are good w/ her and BM, but SD is still getting teased a lot at school (she is 2d year of HS) and will be 17 in April. The one thing she still does is talk to herself. She has done this forever, and even told me before that she was going to try to stop doing that around people and at school, but she can't. And it's not just talking, it's like " narrating". She repeats every sound/word of a show she has watched, or conversations she hears, word for word. Mostly her fav. t.v. shows, some times (i think) even books she has read. It is strange behavior, she also copies stories that she has read, but changes names in them. She has thousands of them that she writes. It irritates SS, and he gets mad at her for it. She has other strange habits, but they are mostly due to up bringing, that I will not get into. But the talking thing really has me stumped, it always has, and I worry about her doing this into adulthood. I'm trying to research the cause of this type of thing, and why she may be still doing this. BM , from what MIL tells me, has her "own" life, and seems pretty busy with that. I figured that would happen. So all this news about the skids is bittersweet. I hope for the best. MIL says SS misses us A LOT! ( I'm sure he does) and we miss him too. My DH is dealing with all this as best as he can, but he really did not have much of a choice after SS made the decision to go back to BM, where he can run wild and graze in the field with the other cows. So to speak. He knows we love him, and are here for him, and I'm sure he will darken our doorstep some day. I just hope it is under good circumstances.

Comments

Sia's picture

Submitted by Sia on Tue, 02/03/2009 - 11:45am

that's a form of autism...she should see a doctor. My friends daughter does the same thing, and they took her to a doc who sent her to a specialist and it was a mild form of autism. I know YOU can't do anything, but I would suggest it to MIL.... Glad to hear SS is doing OK though!

Chel Bell's picture

Submitted by Chel Bell on Tue, 02/03/2009 - 11:51am

as our son who is 2 1/2 is now going through testing for Autism. I guess I should let them know his oldest step sister, has these problems. BM has spouted off about this before in arguments with me and DH, but has never done anything about it. Only once in a while she would put her in counseling/therapy....then take her out again. When SD was really little and displayed the behavior, BM let it go, and nothing was done to help her. ~ Leave out all the rest~

Sia's picture

Submitted by Sia on Tue, 02/03/2009 - 11:53am

that's sad she never got any help. Good though that you are smart enough to recognize the signs for your son! While there is no cure, there is help!

Anon2009's picture

Submitted by Anon2009 (not verified) on Tue, 02/03/2009 - 11:59am

Your SD reminds me a lot of myself and stuff I did in school. I have a mild form of Autism called Asperger's Syndrome. It's gotten better with the right professional help. I would suggest the same for your SD, but get her tested first. You may be able to do this through the school (look up the laws of where she lives) and if not, see what your other options are. PLEASE do this for your SD. I was teased a LOT in school because of my differences which stemmed from my autism. Even now, I still get strange looks every now and then. Please, please look into all the options you have to get SD tested for SDs sake- then, she can start receiving the proper support she needs.

Try to turn her autistic tendencies into things she can be proud of by complimenting her on them, i.e. "hey SD, that's SO cool that you can memorize all the lines from your favorite movies and TV shows! You have a great memory!" When kids tease her, tell her that those kids are immature and that those who truly love her- you, DH, MIL, SS, and BM and any friends SD may have- see her for the great person she really is, differences and all, and that differences are what make people unique. With the proper support from her family, friends and professionals, she can learn appropriate ways to handle her bullies.

bellacita's picture

Submitted by bellacita on Tue, 02/03/2009 - 12:03pm

well, im glad to hear SS is doing well. i feel so bad for ur SD though...living w that nutcase and having some issues like mild autism and not getting help...poor thing. im sure one day u will have a more substantial relationship w ur skids...

"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin

Chel Bell's picture

Submitted by Chel Bell on Tue, 02/03/2009 - 12:14pm

It pains me to think though, because of how SD is about things, poor social skills, grooming habits, afraid/no intrest in driving, living outside of her home with BM, or anything to do with a grown up life, that she will be with BM forever. SD hates the idea of growing up, and wants to stay a kid forever. ~ Leave out all the rest~

bellacita's picture

Submitted by bellacita on Tue, 02/03/2009 - 12:19pm

that instead of helping her grow up, mov eon and function, BM is enabling her bc of her own selfishness and wanting to hold onto her bc shes all she has...

"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin

Chel Bell's picture

Submitted by Chel Bell on Tue, 02/03/2009 - 12:23pm

Thank you so much for sharing. BM has sole custody and control over the skids, including decision making. That is the way she wanted it, so the responsibility rests on her to do any testing on SD. Just like it is mine, to do for my son. I cried when I read the part on complimenting SD, as when I was around her, that's just what I did. And still do the few times I speak with her. I do love and care about her, and now I feel as if I'm failing her in some way by not being closer to her any more. ~ Leave out all the rest~

Anon2009's picture

Submitted by Anon2009 (not verified) on Tue, 02/03/2009 - 12:52pm

I'm so sorry for what your SD has to go through, that her mother is such a selfish person, and that she can't (because of her mother's selfishness) get the proper help she needs. I will keep her in my thoughts & prayers. When you talk to her, maybe you could suggest that she talk to a teacher she really likes, coach/extracirricular activity chairperson she really likes, or her school psychologist. They could at least help her deal with her bullies & give her support that her mother is too selfish to give her. When you speak to her, just be your loving and wonderful self and listen to her, and tell her you're sending positive and loving vibes her way. Suggest ways she can appropriately deal with her bullies and vent her anger. I don't think you're failing her- I think you're doing all you can under the circumstances. If only this poor girl's mother cared about her as much as you do. I'll keep SD in my thoughts and prayers every day and will pray for her that her mother wakes up & becomes a less selfish person.

bellacita's picture

Submitted by bellacita on Tue, 02/03/2009 - 12:36pm

and especially someone like ur skids BM. look at her life. its sad. those kids are all she has and instead of embracing that, she suffocates them.

dont feel bad for not being closer chel. i know why u do, but u know u and DH did what u had to do for urselves, ur life, UR SON, AND the skids too...

"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin

Sita Tara's picture

Submitted by Sita Tara on Tue, 02/03/2009 - 1:15pm

I talk to myself. A lot. I have imaginary conversations with BM when I'm mad, or SD, or DH.

Or OPRAH Winfrey on the topic of the day.

I think sometimes it's a creative mind (though don't know if that's true of your SD) as growing up in theatre I essentially never gave up "pretending". Sometimes I get really into a story I'm working on and will improvise dialog as I'm driving, cleaning, watching TV with BD, etc. And will get lost in that creative process to a point that I forget someone else can hear me.

My kids are used to it and probably do think I'm nuts (or just weird) though I now hear all of them do it(even SD last night-thought she had taken a phone to her room at midnight- she claimed she was talking in her sleep but I'm thinking not.)

When I get into a story idea, and one of my kids interrupts with-

Mom? Who are you talking to????"

I say "Just thinking out loud dear!" I usually only do it when I'm all alone and thinking through what I want to write a blog about on my real life blog, or a monologue. The worst is when I'm mad at someone, in the laundry room passive/aggressively telling them off (Dh, BM, SD, BSs, ExH, etc.) Because SD has caught onto this and will sneak down and walk in to listen before I realize she's there! Then I think "Oh great! Validating for her that I'm the one who's crazy!"

Now I know we're all a little crazy (some of us more than most) but the only thing that would concern me about your SD doing it so much in front of her peers, because then she may be disassociating a little, which could be a symptom of a mental illness. I sometimes "think out loud" in the car or grocery store forgetting the kids or strangers could hear me and think I was nuts, but that's more like a "Oh- crap! Did I need to pick up milk? MAN...I forgot to LOOK-" Oops. I'm having a conversation with the stock boy behind the milk refrigerators again!

This came up with my mom, my sister and myself recently, and we realized we all do it, though none of us noticed it in the other one! That was a funny (and for my sister a great relief) moment.

"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra

Chel Bell's picture

Submitted by Chel Bell on Tue, 02/03/2009 - 1:41pm

I think, are something a lot of people do. Especially when angry. They even show that in movies (Jim Carry) for example. I think it is a way to "release" anger with things we would like to say, but can't, or did not think of at the time. Thinking out loud is something I do too. With SD though, she does not notice that she is doing it sometimes, and usually does it quietly, almost sounds like wispering, or muttering, and I know she wishes she could just stop. It could be disassociating, her own way of blocking out things, but I'm not sure. ~ Leave out all the rest~

Sita Tara's picture

Submitted by Sita Tara on Tue, 02/03/2009 - 4:35pm

Here's the difference as far as I could tell in my brief search.

Many of us talk to ourselves, think or fantasize conversations outloud, even pretend to be famous, or on stage etc- that's pretty normal. AS LONG AS we maintain a duality of knowing we are not famous, on stage, having a conversation with Oprah, even if we get caught up in the fun and forget for a minute (much like it is for those of us who act on stage or film.)

AND...

as long as we don't visually SEE Oprah there or other people, or really HEAR them respond back. If that happens you are having hallucinations, and those are highly concerning for schizophrenia/dissociative behavior.
Whew! Makes me feel better, but I'm sure you are still highly concerned.

"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra

ferretmom's picture

Submitted by ferretmom on Tue, 02/03/2009 - 4:56pm

Whenever H catches me talking to myself I tell him at least I care enough to listen. Sometimes it's the most intelligent conversation I have all day. Unless I'm talking to the dog.

Sita Tara's picture

Submitted by Sita Tara on Wed, 02/04/2009 - 2:10pm

I'm a lot of fun, I don't like to argue with me for the sake of it, I have excellent ideas, and I USUALLY listen to what I have to say. There are sometimes when I don't take my own advice and then boy do I get mad at me! But then I promise me I'll do better and try harder next time, I treat me to something nice, like a movie or a drink, and I forgive me!

"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra

Chel Bell's picture

Submitted by Chel Bell on Wed, 02/04/2009 - 9:39am

Thank you so much for your input on this. And the humor, Smile BM has ranted and raved that something is wrong with SD, but uses it more as a tool to get pity and attention. BM goes back and forth with, SD is fine, SD is not. Bipolar big time. I do see the Autism traits in SD, but also other things that do not relate. But she is, after all, BM's daughter, sooooo, I can see where she will have some issues anyways. ~ Leave out all the rest~