You are here

I don't know what to do???

Chel Bell's picture

Submitted by Chel Bell on Sat, 06/20/2009 - 8:22am

Hi to all, have not blogged here in a while, but I'm in need of some advice. Background on my situation for those not familiar. My bio kids live with their dad (mutual agreement when we split up) and I have regular visitation with them, but it is only 2x's a year, as we live in different states, we all used to live in Fl., but my ex up and decided to move to Tx. a couple of years ago, just kind of took off with the kids, and then I moved back to my "hometown" here in Ma. My kids are visiting with me now for the summer, and all of the changes have not been easy, but we have been making it work, or so I thought. My daughter, who is turning 14 next month, wants to come and live with me, actually she does not even want to go back home when it's time . This has put me in a bit of a panic. Things have been very stressfull between her and her dad for a while now, to a point that even I did not realize. She hates living in Tx., nothing against the state itself, it's just not "home" to her, and she misses being around me ( I'm still regretting letting her dad just take off like that with them, me being to weak, not to mention broke, to fight him on it) and he took full advantage over that. My daughter is looking back on this and is angry with her dad for moving her away, and in the style he did it in, (telling her a month before they moved, and having her not tell me and keep it from me, then finally letting me know a whopping 2 weeks before they left, telling me it was because of his "job", yeah right!!!) And now this is all blowing up. My ex is not aware that my daughter wants to stay here, but he is aware of how much she misses me, and uses a lot of PAS tactics to remedy that. She has told me they have been fighting, to the point of getting physical. She said a week before she got here, she and her little brother were fighting about something(little bro. is 11), and she pushed him and he fell, and cried, and her dad went over to her and pushed her on the sofa, sat on her head, and said"I'm bigger than you, how does it feel", he also told her he can "kick her ass".......this is just freaking crazy. It has gotton this bad between them, it kills me to know this. I'm really having a hard time deciding what to do because, my daughter is scared, and I fear what my ex will say/do when he finds out she does not want to come home. Now I'm not rich or anything, and I live in a small house, but I could provide for her if need be. It would be wonderful to have her here, but I know my ex will go insane over this, and I don't know what to do. I can't afford a lawyer, to fight him on this, as I'm sure it will come to that, and I worry about what this is doing to my daughter. For everything my ex is and all that he has done, I don't want to hurt him or fight with him, and one side of me says f-that he deserves it, and the other half just wishes to discuss this rationally and try to work it out. I know I sound stupid, my ex would so stick it to me if the shoe was on the other foot (not including the times he already has), I'm just lost right now on what to do. I need a plan. ?????

Comments

Rosedeer1's picture

Submitted by Rosedeer1 on Sat, 06/20/2009 - 8:29am

Do you have a court agreement or verbal, if it is not written any where then you can keep her. I would talk to him and tell him about what she wants and the courts will listen to her she is 14. But if you feel once she goes back he will hurt her then I would not send her back I would take my chances take a 2nd mortagage and fight him in court for her. What does you son what to do??

Good Luck

misguided's picture

Submitted by misguided on Sat, 06/20/2009 - 8:39am

Let him take you to court and spend all his money. You don't need a lawyer to respond. Your daughter is 14 and most courts will listen to what SHE has to say. At that age most judges will comply with the childs wishes if they are reasonable. They are not going to let her stay with you if her reasons are "you let her stay out late, not do her homework, have no rules, etc.... but that is not the case. Don't let him imtimidate you with an attorney, it's the most overused threat on here and it doesn't hold as much power as most think. Good luck

Stick's picture

Submitted by Stick on Sat, 06/20/2009 - 11:13am

Be careful here and really talk to your daughter and possibly, if you can, seek some counseling for her this summer.

I don't want you to become the pawn in the game between her and her father. I don't doubt that she wants to live with you, but she needs to truly know and understand that she cannot "go back and forth" multiple times. This isn't a game. This is more than just getting away from her dad. She needs to understand the true impact on her own life of what she is doing. Changing schools, making new friends etc. It will be harder for her than she realizes so you need to help her prepare for that. She may just be looking at the "short term relief". And I would also set down the rule that if she does indeed do this, then she is at least guaranteed to live with you through the next school year UNDER YOUR ROOF, GOING BY YOUR RULES!!! (Super important) If she changes her mind during that time, she cannot go back until the school year is over. This gives both you and her a "trial" period, to see how things work out. And it really does make it seem more like "one day at a time" adjustment, which may be good for her. Does this make sense?

The ONLY reason I am saying I don't want you to become the "Pawn" is because she is fighting with your Ex a lot and is angry with him for the way he left you. That's normal and similar to my situation with SD here. What I don't want you to react too strongly to, or fear for her, on, is the fact that "he pushed her on a couch" and "sat on her head". That could literally go one way or the other depending on HOW VIOLENT the whole situation was. And was there embellishment?? You do not know how hard she pushed 11 year old boy, right? So don't react to THAT. You don't have the whole story there. Unless you think that your ex really is physically abusive, or has shown signs of that in the past. Sorry to say, your daughter could be manipulating you to fear for her so she gets her way.

My SD wanted to live full time with DH and I at 13-1/2 years old. I think she would have come even earlier, if she could have had the courage to ask for it, in hindsight. Sad We lived about 30 minutes from where her mom lived. She didn't want to change schools or lose her friends and she had a lot of emotional issues. So that was part of her hesitation. DH and I moved to her school district. I know this is not your option, so for us, it was a little easier, with visitation, etc.

Anyway, BM was threatening to fight us on this, and she even tried to persuade SD not to move with guilt trips (oh, now I'll lose the house!! or Why should I keep this house if you don't live here??) Luckily for us, SD was in counseling at the time, which is what helped her make that decision. It helped push SD to know this was the right decision for HER. And we had the counselor's word to give to BM saying that her move was the best thing to do. So if you can get a counselor to say that your daughter would be better off with you, that's just one more piece of back-up you have (with the courts, with your ex). Add the counselor's back-up to the fact that your daughter is requesting this and you have a stronger case.

Also, the counselor can help your daughter with the aftermath of the move. For anything her father may try to say to her. And don't forget that your daughter needs counseling to deal with her anger toward her dad and other anger issues. It sounds like right now, she is blaming EX for everything, which may or may not be fair. So she will need to sort that out eventually. And I'm still not convinced that she didn't push 11 year old harder than she's telling you OR has acted out toward 11 year old more than you know.

I think there's free counseling for teenagers available, you just may need to look under Catholic Charities, or something like that.

With your Ex-husband, you may want to try to TALK to him. And maybe work it out with him like we did with our BM here. And that is, it's daughter's wishes, it's in her best interest. Let's try this for the upcoming school year and see how it goes (short term for him as well to make the adjustment!!) Also, I don't think he can argue with you too much if you play the FEMALE card. A 13 year old girl should be with her mom, because she'll be getting her period (or has her period and questions), etc etc.... You know what I mean?? We also told BM here, just let SD do this... the counselor recommends it, she wants it. Let her move in with us, and then if it doesn't work, she can go back. And she won't have the whole "grass is greener" thoughts. We knew that SD would not want to go back with BM. But it helped us propose the situation to get BM to agree without court interference. That and the fact that she could go to court and a counselor would say that it's best for daughter NOT to live with her. That would be embarrassing! We did what we had to do to get SD out of there without a big mess.

Can I ask why children lived with Ex at the initial divorce? Was it due to finance? Or was it control on your EX's part?

Sorry if this rambled... hope it makes sense...

Chel Bell's picture

Submitted by Chel Bell on Sat, 06/20/2009 - 12:44pm

The agreement on having the kids live with their dad at the initial divorce was due to both finances, and control (control on his part), and he cried and begged me not to take the kids away from him, then, as soon as he got all he wanted, BAM! Everything changed, and he took total control over everything, and dragged me through the mud! Boy, did he make me sorry for that decision! I don't go for that "pawn" stuff either, learned that lesson thru- my SS when he came and lived with his dad and I, boy what a mess that was, and of course he is back with his mom, running free!! So I do not want any repeat preformances of that, and my daughter is well aware of my feelings, as she saw how it all went that way with SS. My son did admit that he and his sis were fighting, but he did not understand why his dad went so nuts about it, that tells me some thing there, but I will still be careful with that. I do agree that counseling is in order, for both of my kids even, that is something I have always wanted, and I do plan to pursue that, and have a few "allies", I can go to for that. I do agree that first things first, is to talk to my Ex, and see what happens, but I dread it, and I'm worried. It is something I need to prepare for. " A first marriage is like buying your first home, sometimes you just gotta start small"~ Me.

Stick's picture

Submitted by Stick on Sat, 06/20/2009 - 2:41pm

I'm hoping that your DH will be reasonable. Maybe he is sick of the fighting too? I don't know. But good luck there. And just don't let him bully you with lawyer threats, etc. From reading other blogs on this site, most courts seem to be pro-mom and your daughter is older! Best wishes... Please let us know how it goes!