The ignoring part isn't really disengaging - it's more of self preservation or possibly punishment. Not judging on that - I struggle with it myself. I am greatly disengaged, and the frustration I feel every now and then causes me to slip into self-preservation mode and ignore my SS 16. In my personal opinion, it's just another stage to learning successful disengaging. I haven't reached the disengaging Utopia where I can say that I don't care about anything. But I'm getting much closer all the time. It is hard work, and requires an awful lot of self reflection.

OMG you have it bad. I am so sorry. I can't stand lazy and that's why I have such probs with SD19. I mean she has a PT job, but then she sits around the house all day. On my couch. I get home and she has been on the couch for hours. I get ready for bed and she is still parked there. She gets up to go to bed at 11pm and wakes up my dogs, which wakes me up. DH even rearranged the bsmt furniture so she could LAY DOWN while watching TV, but she still parks it in the living room with her swamp ass on my good couch.

I know you prob read my hedgehog saga, so SD19 is out of here and staying away at school over spring break. Summer will be another story entirely.

I started speaking up to DH when things got to be too much for me. You can't just hold it in forever. My forever lasted 1-1/2 years and then SD13 starting acting like an asshat last summer. I disengaged. SD19 was home from college and there was a time where I purposefully did NOT say hello to her when I got home from work. It took two, maybe three days, before she piped up and said hello to me first one night when I got home. I gave her a dose of her own medicine with the silent treatment. I'm sure she hates me by now, just because I am DH's wife and she isn't in control anymore. }:)

Can you start with your DH and tell him how your house is your sanctuary? It's your place to be comfortable? That's how I started, but I finally blew my stack a week ago, and it was a long time coming. There will be a straw that breaks the camel's back for you. Everyone on here says it starts with DH. He HAS to have your back. I had to bring mine around to see things from my perspective, all while trying to put it gently. I increased my intensity, if you will, and I nagged. All while being disengaged from cooking or cleaning anything that wasn't for me. If the house got messed up from a naive SD13, I told DH. It has taken months! It's a slow change, but you WILL change to make it work for you.

I was even looking at apts in the area last week, just in case. I have that plan in my back pocket, but I am hopeful. Men don't know what's going on half the time, we have to tell them. If he won't listen at all, then maybe he doesn't care enough.

Hang in there!

~ Moon

I had the same toilet probs with SD13 2x in as many days when DH was out of town. Can't wipe herself right, doesn't LOOK behind herself, and then exits the area leaving filth on the seat and rim. Not just a little.

DH is out this morning running errands for me and so far SD13 has gone down into the basement and then shut the door behind her so the dogs couldn't go down there, too. This means the way to their dog door was blocked. I have 5 dogs, but SDog is in a pee diaper so he is covered lmao. My puppy started growling to me because she needed to be let out. I go down to the main floor and let them out. I open the door to the basement and SD13 is down there so I yelled out, "Hey why did you shut the door? None of the dogs could get out to pee?" I didn't hear a reply.

SD13 still hasn't come up to brush her teeth because her bathroom is right outside my door. She is hopeless. She is an idiot, but the scary thing is she shows hardly any emotion with certain things where she should. No remorse for shit on the toilet 2x in 2 days, no embarrassment when being spoken to about not taking a shower for 5 days. She just doesn't care about things that should matter.

I once met, a few times, a teen on the other side of the family who had Asperger's. He was 15 at the time. My aunt had remarried and this is her SS. He is prob 21 now. He talked a lot, but the stories I would hear about how my aunt and his dad dealt with him were crazy. He drove them nuts! Can you put a lock on the fridge? Some even come with digital codes that need to be entered before the doors will unlock. Take away his cell phone, iPad, tablets, laptop whatever at 9pm every night and keep them in the kitchen. Boogers on the wall is equal to the messy teen females who can't dispose of their pads properly. Make DH make him clean it up, esp if it's happening outside of his bedroom. The FU and then he says he was joking? He needs to be punished for missing school and for cussing at you guys.

DH has got to get on board. You need your house and your sanity back. Would it be worth it to send him to a school for kids like him? Sounds like DH doesn't have the time and doesn't put in the effort, otherwise you wouldn't be this close to going off the deep end.

~ Moon

Take care of yourself. We all go towards the edge plenty of times in StepWorld. Just vent so you don't actually go OVER the edge!

Wine is good, too!

~ Moon

I can so relate to all of you. I can't stand my 16 year old stepson. Can even stand the sight of him. If you've read earlier posts by me, you know that something is seriously wrong with this kid. That makes it so hard for me to know whether to chew his ass out, or keep ignoring him. He has a psych/neuro eval on Tuesday and I can't wait to see what turns up. This kid went to school with shorts, flip flops, and a tank top when it was 29 degrees outside. DH chewed his ass out (after I pointed it out of course, he wouldn't have noticed on his own). The very next day he wore the same thing to school!!!! I'm surprised social services hasn't been called to our home to see what the hell is wrong with US! He moved in with us two years ago and this has been the worst two years of my life. His low-life white trash mother doesn't pay one dime of child support either. I resent everything about him, I don't like spending MY money in his food, clothing, etc. I don't like him invading my house and my marriage. To those who want to sit in judgment and make snarky replies, I say "fuck off." Until you have had to deal with this, you have no clue and no right to judge. I don't speak to my step-son at all, ever. I pretend he doesn't exist and spend a lot of time in my bedroom. This doesn't fix anything but it keeps me from being sent to jail. I wish I could just fast-forward my life two years and then we can send his ass packing. I already told DH that once this kid graduates high school, he is leaving here. I really don't give a fuck where he goes -- army, back with is egg donor -- really don't give a rat's ass, but HE IS LEAVING THIS HOUSE. And sorry to say it, but if DH doesn't want to make him leave, then they both get the hell out. I am DONE!

i talk to her when i have to, but she's rarely around, and when she is, i avoid home.

i have to deal with her saturday for a family birthday party which im dreading.

When HHB was here, I did my best to ignore her and not say a word. Occasionally, I would have to say something...like when I would catch her putting in dirty dishes with the clean in the dishwasher, or she smelled so bad I wanted to puke! Most of the time it was me telling DH that HE needed to tell his daughter this and that. Now that she is out of my house, I don't acknowledge her existence at all!

I have reached the point where I have Nothing.Zilch.Nada. to say to the skids. IF they say anything to me, my response will be short. When something needs to be done, I will tell DH and he can tell them. I'm to the point where if I say anything to PrincASS15, I will verbally destroy him INTENTIONALLY.

HI ALL!

I am a newby here. So happy to see Im not the only stepmonster on the planet Argh! I can relate to all of you so much! I have 2 SS 20 & 18. I have disengaged myself from them almost from the get go (married 1 year). I don't cook or clean anymore/ I only keep my room spotless and MY bathroom, screw the rest. I come home after working all day & theres always someone sitting on the couch playing video games or watching cartoons. They have the living room blinds closed so its dark. They smoke weed & chow down on the groceries. How can I address this anymore than I already have. I want to threaten to separate until they fly the coop , however they are adults being treated like spoiled brats. They are so disrespectful and irresponsible! Im glad I found you guys! Any suggestions would be great!! :?

Disengaged close to two years ago. SD 17 lives with us full time. DH treats her like she's going to break if he raises his voice. No consequences for her actions, or laziness, or the stench of her room.
I do absolutely nothing for her. I don't speak to her at all. She twists everybody's words around, so this way she can't twist mine...there are none.
She knows she can get away with anything because her dad can't discipline her. He seems to think actual parenting is mean. She's turning out to be a real charmer. She dresses like a tramp, and DH says nothing. He let her go to a baptism in a dress she outgrew three years ago, and she wore five inch hoochie heels. I didn't attend, so I didn't say a word to DH about how inappropriate his daughters attire was. You'd think he could have figured it out himself...probably didn't say anything because he didn't want her mad at him.
I see how DH acts and talks around SD, and it's like he's talking to a wife, not a daughter. It's gross.
The girl is extremely immature, throw fits, pouts, breaks things...DH thinks it's all normal. Some of her actions make me wonder if there isn't something more mental going on.
Anyway, we walk right past each other, and don't speak. It works out for me. I stay away from people that lie, and manipulate. Maybe some day DH will see the light, who knows? If not, he will get to see how unsuccessful this girl will be.
BTW, she doesn't work, and has to be told every move to make when it comes to the few chores she has.

This summed it up "I agree about feeling hyper aware of their presence. In many ways, I find it harder when I am in that state - it is those times I really do want to ignore him and pretend he's not around. In my opinion, it's because I am struggling with how I feel about him, the negative feelings I have towards him whenever I think about him or have to see him".