Stepdaughter is changing her mind.....
Recently, my stepdaughter (14) decided that she wants to try to re-build her relationship with her Bio Mom. For a brief backstory, this woman has never been in her daughter's life. She has been constantly in and out of jail, rehab and prison, she had (and I believe still has) a drug addiction, stole from family and friends, just a very bad influence. She lost custody and visitation rights to my husband about 8 years ago. I have been in stepdaughter's life for the last 10 years.
My problem is:I do not believe she has come to this wanting on her own. She has an aunt (bio mom's sister) who constantly guilt-trips and gas-lights her into thinking she would be better off with Bio Mom. She even went as far as to tell her she was taking us back to court (over a year now and this still hasn't happened) and she already had a room made up for her. This caused stepdaughter to have a nearly mental breakdown, crying hysterically while my husband and I convinced her that was not going to happen. But all of a sudden, she said that she doesn't want to blame her mother for "a few mistakes" and "that's still my mom" and "what's in the past is in the past.' I don't think a typical 14 year old girl would speak that way and it is the heavy influence coming from the Aunt. I told her that I respected her decision, but I really did not feel it was in her best interest to come back into her mother's life and to possibly wait a few years until she is older and more mature. She said that she wants to hear "her side of the story," though she has been told by every person in her life - my husband and bio mom's side of the family included (only the aunt still speaks to her regularly) - that side of the story and how bad things were. She was only 2 the last time she saw her mother, so she does not truly remember how bad things got. Her older brother has tried telling her, but it seems like she wants to believe that her mother is truly a better person now. She even asked if she could go over there at Christmas,
To me, I feel this is a door that needs to stay closed a little bit longer. I have witnessed Bio Mom's manipulation firsthand and know that she likes to lie and spin things around and play the victim. I don't feel giving her mother that olive branch will work out in anyone's favor. She has openly admitted to me the reason she has trauma is because of her mother, but cannot give me a reason why she would want to re-connect with the person who gives her trauma (her only excuses are "she's still my mother," which burns me up inside, because blood does not make family and she is not obligated to her for anything!)
Any advice, fellow step-moms?