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"Punishments"

EmilyBee's picture

I was wondering what fellow parents use as means when their children engage in wrong behavior.

For SS, it was taking away his video game systems. He usually straightened himself up pretty quick to get it back.

With SD, it's a different story. You could take away every single item in her room and she wouldn't care. I believe that she takes after DH, because he has told me that when he was a child, nearly no means of grounding or punishment had any impact on him.

Rags's picture

Countless tens of thousands of sentences written in perfect hand writing, perfect grammar, perfect punctuation, and perfect spelling.  Over, and over, and over again.  From age 8 to about 13.

The sentences matched the infraction. They were of moderate but not too short length and had to be written at a pace of 120 -180 and hour, the hourly quota increased based on the infraction and his age. To not punish ourselves he wrote sentences any time we were at home.  We did not sequester ourselves at home to facilitate his punishment but as soon as we walked in the door he went mediately to what we referred to as "The Tower" which was an otherwise empty bedroom with an antique wooden writing desk stocked with writing pads and pens.  No erasures allowed.  We did evolve from #2 pencils to pens just to minimize mess and to keep him focused on doing each sentence perfectly.  A missed hourly quota or a jacked up sentence erased that hour and he started that hour over.  He learned to have incredible attention to detail and he learned that if he screwed around while he was supposed to be working he could work when he was supposed to be relaxing and having fun.

To this day he has beautiful handwriting.

EmilyBee's picture

That was something DH started when SS was younger and tried with SD as well. Unfortunately, it had little impact. I told someone else on here that she would just sit there and stare at the paper for hours, and we had to let her leave to eat/sleep/use the bathroom/etc.

I agree with the beautiful handwriting - it was DH's main punishment as a child and his handwriting is better than mine!

Livingoutloud's picture

It sounds awful. Something from the Dark Ages. I cannot believe people still do this kind of nonsensical punishments. Wow. 

Rags's picture

Discipline if ineffective is a waste of everyone's time.  This was effective.  

Not abusive, but also not coddling.

Livingoutloud's picture

How was it effective? Ton of people raise their children without ridiculous cruelty. You always said SS was trouble. Until he left for military life and then he straightened out. And making someone write at a certain speed (why???) and not allowing erasures (why???) is bizarre and is abusive.

Sure it's not beating the kid up, but not every abuse is physical. I wonder if you ever try therapy for yourself. You come across having so much deep seated anger. You always seem to enjoy going into details about all types of cruelty, physical and other kinds.
 

Something about it is alarming. unless you make stuff up. I know very many people of all walks of life. I can assure you that enjoying cruelty that much it's not very typical. It stands out.,  

Rags's picture

Actually I never said he was trouble prior to Military School. He was a chronic under performer to is capabilities. But he really was not much trouble.

Now for how it was an effective consequence. SS would do his homework and then not turn it in.  He would read novels in class instead of being there mentally.  So, since he was screwing around while he should have been working, when he normally would  have been relaxing and having fun, he wrote sentences.  It was a direct consequence for his poor choices.

It was not constant.  Over the ages of ~8-13ish he maybe spent a few hundred hours writing sentences. It was intermittent and driven by his behavior.  

It was effective and a decade and half later we all laugh about it. And.... he has beautiful handwriting.

Say what you wish, but ... it worked extremely well as an effective disciplinary method.

Cruelty, nope. Not ever.  Just because I am not a spawn coddler and have a clear understanding of effective behavior based application of consequences does not make me, nor anyone else cruel.

Cruelty and abuse are, cruel and abusive. Lack of sensitivity in confronting problems is neither cruel or abusive.  

Regardless of what one's feelings may indicate.

Someoneelse's picture

Making a child write sentences is corporal punishment, and an outdated tactic. It does borderline abuse, but times were different. I explain to my kids all the crazy things my parents did that are now considered abuse. I'm not saying that what you did was wrong, I'm just saying that there are different regulations now for what is appropriate. 

Livingoutloud's picture

Exactly. 100% that. Also just because these backwards things used to be done, it doesn't mean it's not abusive punishment. Teachers used to beat kids up at school, it doesn't mean it's not abuse just because someone thought it was ok in the past or because it was "occasional". 

AgedOut's picture

I always hit em where it hurt. My younger son was video games. my older son lost his phone. One time I got so tired of them fighting while playing video games that I flipped off the power (fuse box) to their room. 

I kind of like the writing Rags suggested though!

EmilyBee's picture

Yes, the video games always worked with SS. SD is a different breed. You can take away phones, tablets, iPads, TV, computer, anything and it seems to not phase her.

We tried the writing as well, but that didn't seem to get anything through either. :/

Loxy's picture

We have never found an effective punishment for SD16. The two that hurt the most for her is removing her phone or grounding her (so she can't see her friends) but neither have had any impact on changing her behaviour. Doesn't help that BM never follows through but we do and it's made no difference. SD is diagnosed ADD (unmedicated as she refuses to take it) and also has some other condition going on (undiagnosed), most likely either Aspergers or a personality disorder. Her behaviour is directly influenced by who she is as a person ie lives in the moment, never thinks about consquences, selfish, no respect for other people's feelings or property, lies constantly and has no empathy.  No amount of discipline has been able to change who she is as a person and it's been a source of major dissapointment for DH and me - more DH given this is his child and she's not a very nice person. 

I think the only thing that will hopefully modify SD's behaviour somewhat is life and the real-life consquences she will experience as an adult. Finishing high school is going to be the first real shock for her. All her friends are going to university and she won't be as she's failing school. She's already been sacked from two casual jobs because of her unrealiability (and is onto her third now) so I think full-time work (which will be her only opotion post high school) is going to be a real challenge for her. She's definitely in for some very hard lessons in life. 

Rags's picture

Take her phone, ground her from her friends, and .... for each infraction have her write 10,000 sentences that specifically address the behavior at the heart of the infraction.

e.g. "I will complete my homework as assigned, I will finish on schedule to the assigned completion date, and I will turn it in on time."

 All in perfect handwriting, perfect grammar, perfect spelling, and at a pace of 120 to 180 per hour (or higher) until the 10,000 are completed to perfection and on schedule.  One error or missed quota erased that hours completed number. 

Once she successfully completes the assignment, then let her pick which of the privileges she wants back. Only one, then hand her a second 10,000 sentences to write to earn the second confiscated privilege.  Since there will be increased distractions  with the one privilege she has earned back make sure she clearly understands that if she fails on the second 10,000 he loses the privilege she just earned back and starts over, and that if she succeeds she gets the second privilege.  Until.... the next infraction when she loses those same two privileges plus a third. Take her clothing, the stuff she likes and put her in basic sweats with no makeup.  Then... off she goes again. 

They learn that they behave or the suffer a state of abject misery, and they learn that if they are screwing around while they are supposed to be working they can work when they would usually be relaxing and having an enjoyable time. 

Bet she will learn in a few short weeks to keep her head out of her own ass.

And enjoy the gnashing of teeth, crying, whining, etc..

Diablo

EmilyBee's picture

I will talk this over with DH again. Taking away the phone/grounding from seeing friends has been the main method. 

Someoneelse's picture

No matter what we tried with sd, she only got worse.  That's because when she go home to BM, BM would tell her that she's right, and we're wrong. Now anytime as doesn't get her way she leaves and doesn't come back for months

EmilyBee's picture

We don't currently have that issue, but I feel if BM ever got supervised visitation or SD started going to see her again, she would be able to get away with a LOT more than with us.

Someoneelse's picture

I don't feel great, ihave covid,  so I'm not going to read through all the responses... i don't know how old your skid is, what you've already tried, or what kind of misbehavior you're talking about. 

But what has worked for me is talking to my children. Sometimes having them help with setting rules and expectations, as long as they're being serious. Sometimes y'all can come up with compromises to certain rules.  Instead of "no staffing or after 8", maybe 8:30 or 9. And they can also help come up with consequences.  If they took part in helping set rules they sometimes are more opt for understanding consequences and can help set them... "IF you stay out after curfew what do you think an appropriate consequence would be? Maybe not going out for x amount of time" make it reasonable, but be open for SOME compromise.  

If it's more regarding the way they treat someone, maybe a consequences could be that they need to write an apology letter... but apologies have to acknowledge the wrong doing, explain that they understand how that could have made someone feel, take responsibility without shifting ANY blame. And explain how they are going to make it right. But make sure they understand the expectations and consequences before implementing any of it.  It's important that they are part of the rules/ consequences making conversation. 

 

Now this worked wonders with my biodaughters, not so well with sd.... but i think it's because BM and DH had different way of handling situations. And sd was already who she was before i came in the picture. 

CLove's picture

and no chores either. SD22 fral forger has never suffered any kind of repercussions for her bad behavior.

And neither has SD15 backstabber/munchkin. SD15 is GENERALLY nice, but if I ask for her to do something, it takes a loooooong while if at all. I choose my battles and disengage. No more rides and no help from me.