Stepdaughter + BioMom = Unhealthy Relationship
Looking for advice - my stepdaughter and her biomom have a very codependent, unhealthy relationship. It's been this way for years, but recently my stepdaughter has started speaking out about how chaotic life is with her biomom, how her mom's eating behaviors are triggering eating disorder behavior like purging, starving her self, obsession exercise, and more. In the past she has had panic attacks while at our home because she worries about what her mom will do to herself if she's not there (her mom is a recovered alcoholic) - she constantly talks about how she feels a need to keep the house clean, manage things around the house for her mom, and has a very parental relationship over her own mother (especially in the way she talks to her and about her). She is a different person when she gets to spend sufficient time at our house, she seems to relax (even says she's bored rather than stressed), eats more, and seems to be able to just be a teenager. But the codependence rears its head often, she has definitely developed an eating disorder of her own, and has a difficult time when things are quiet, still, no-chaos. Her mom showers her with superficial "care" like gifts and fun adventures, which of course keep my stepdaughter "happy" and "engaged" but I worry that my stepdaughter doesn't have a sense of reality, she isn't getting the real care that she needs especially mentally, and may be living in an incredibly toxic environment. Does any one relate? Have any advice?
Get her some therapy
Get her some therapy. That way, she can share these feelings with a neutral third party who will be able to help her develop ways to deal with her mother. While you can see the patterns and want to help her, it is not good for you to be in that position. It is much better for it to come from a professional. If she has an eating disorder, that is a legitimate reason, other than her codependency with her mother, to have her start therapy.
This is called enmeshment,
This is called enmeshment, and it's very hard to break, especially as an outsider - it really has to come from your SD wanting a different sort of relationship. Therapy can help, but the truth is, she will likely struggle with her relationship with her mother well into her adulthood, if not until her mother dies.
My SS21 is totally enmeshed with BM, but he still doesn't see it.
Yes, therapy!
I just want to retweet the suggestion above! I can't wait for my SD to take psych 101 in college someday, but in the meantime I'm glad she's in therapy. That bond is so super intense and strong. I was my mother's caretaker to, and it took my mid 20s for me to break out of it. And I still talk about it in therapy. I'm sorry for her, but yeah, you can't be the one to fix it, though you can continue to be a good role model of healthy care relationships, and do what you can to ensure she's in therapy.
She needs therapy, in general
She needs therapy, in general to help her effectively deal with her mother, and then for the eating disorder in particular. I have a good friend with an eating disorder - she was seeing a therapist already, and was referred to a different specialist as well because the first one didn't feel she had the expertise to address the eating disorder. So she's actually seeing two different people.
Sounds like sound advise
Sounds like sound advise above ^^^
Welcome to Steptalk.
Glad I stumbled onto Steptalk.
After over 7 years of stepparenting, I am so glad to have this forum. Thank you all for the feedback.
She has been in and out of therapy for 5 of the 7 I've known her. Possibly not the right fit along with interjection from her BM making my SD feel like her therapist is no longer her own. She has one now who has set very good boundaries with my SD's adults (finally and thank goodness), but my SD doesn't feel comfortable talking to her current therapist about the eating unfortunately, so I appreciate the anecdote about a friend who sees two therapists for best coverage and expertise.
She needs different therapy it sounds like and perhaps more expertise in the eating disorder symptoms that are prominent. And I need patience and a reminder to stay out of the middle of it. You all are so right. It's time for the right third party professionals to be brought in.
My enmeshed SS21 has been in
My SS21 has been in therapy since he was 11. It has done zero good in terms of the enmeshment with BM, because neither he nor BM want it to change, at this point. People in enmeshed relationships often see it as a special closeness and aren't aware of the toxic nature of it. Even when they become aware, it's hard to break.
As a stepmother, there is very little you can do, and I'd suggest disenaging from needing a particular outcome to happen.
Same thing with me exactly-- Codependency is off the charts
My SD12 and her BM have a totally crazy bond. It is like that TV Show "Smothering"...
I am wondering if your SD's BM has a relationship with a guy or ever dates? My SD12 and her BM are glued at the hip and we have her 50% time and its been about 5 years now and it has been torturous for us. She is always miserable when she is with us and now that she has a cell phone all she does is text her BM the entire time she is with us. She is not really "present" with us and when she is, she is MISERABLE to be around. I am getting to the point of feeling very GUILTY because I think my fiance is getting to the point where he may confront her about moving in with her mother more. I used to feel competitive about that like I was a failed SM, but now I can't stop thinking about how GREAT life would be if she was with us less!
Simple solution. Take her
Simple solution. Take her phone the moment she arrives for visitation in your home and do not return it until she leaves to return to BM. That way she has no choice but to at least be present.