Advice needed about my stepdaughter

Forums:

Hello

I have one stepdaughter with ASD and ADHD.also I have 3 other children with my current husband. My stepdaughter lives with us.my stepdaughter is 14 and has been living with us since she was 5. We also have legal parenteral responsibility.
Yesterday my stepdaughter came back from a holiday to walt Disney world in Florida with her birth mom and the 2 other siblings who live with her. When we met her at the airport she ran over to me and burst into tears while her mom was shouting at me "don't listen to her".
When we took her home. As soon as we got through the door into our house she had a huge autistic meltdown. We don't blame her one bit for this as she can't help it. She has told us that for thr whole holiday her mum was screaming at her in her face and screaming at all of them. She has also said that her mum kept them all less than 1 metres away from her at all times! We have took our stepdaughter and my 3 children to walt Disney world 6 times and have never treated them like that and have let them walk around when we are walking but as long as we can see them.
My stepdaughter is still upset and angry about the holiday.
How can we help our stepdaughter?
Are me and my husband right in thinking that her mum behaved unreasonably?

She seems like a control freak

why was she screaming at the kids the whole trip and about what? Like what was she saying?

She is a control freak.

Stepdaughter said that she was screaming at them for no reason, telling them to not get excited, "shut up"and things like that.

You can not control what BM does,

You can not control how BM acts. You have to try to make SD understand this is the way her mother is.

But surely her birth mother

But surely her birth mother shouldn't be acting like that???

Don't get involved, what BM

Don't get involved, what BM does is not your business. Kids love to play parents against each other after divorce. Empathize with SD but direct her back to her mother to share her concerns and drop it.

We also thought it was

We also thought it was totally unreasonable but just wanted to check that we were not overreacting.
Me and my husband get alone very well with our stepdaughters mum. We both spoke to her yesterday about it and she said "yes I did do that, however it was the right thing to do". We also had a chat with our stepdaughter and her first words yesterday were "she shouldn't be a mum, she's not fit to be a mum", she even said that she put the younger kids first obviously but sometimes tried to risk the older childrens life for the younger children!!!
My stepdaughter is still crying and has been crying herself to sleep all night.

How can we make her feel better?
Where do we go from here with this?
When you are on holiday are you like us and just keep your children within sight of you?

Let it go. Would you want BM

Let it go. Would you want BM criticizing you guys on your parenting? You have no idea how the kid was behaving, and what BM does on her time is her business.

Your SD is playing you guys.

How is she 'playing us'??

SD is 14. I get that she is

SD is 14. I get that she is special needs. But, 14 is old enough to stand up for herself. Even against her toxic banshee shreeking BM.

"Mom, I will not allow anyone to speak to me in that manner. When you have calmed down and can act like an adult then speak to me."

Lather, rinse, repeat.

Calm, respectful, assertive, confident, firm.

Parents do not have the patent on assertiveness. Crappy behavior should be confronted regardless of who perpetrates it. Even a parent. There is no need to criticize BM to the SD. But... giving SD guidance on how she will be treated is .... parenting.

So parent.

She doesn't have enough

She doesn't have enough confidence for this. She only has a lot of confidence at her dance classes and performance's.

It's not appropriate, anyway,

It's not appropriate, anyway, you don't teach a child to talk back to her parent like that.

Her mum taught her to deal

Her mum taught her to deal with confrontation by screaming at them and offering them a fight. We taught her not to do this and she doesn't.

Verbal abuse, even from a

Verbal abuse, even from a parent, should not be tolerated.

Confronting BM calmly and publicly will deliver the point the BM is being juvenile and abusive.

Lather, rinse, repeat.