Hello

I am not sure where to start without this becoming a novel.   I am hoping to get some opinions to help me form a response and plan to deal with a violent step child.

been married to my husband for 2 years.  He has two children from his previous marriage.  Wife lives in California and we live in NY.  My step kids are now 10 and 14 the youngest a girl and the eldest a boy.

the Bio mom has a history of disorders but no diagnosis.  She has previously  taken an overdose "accidentally" and the kids know all about it.   She divorced my husband who also had depression after a leg injury / was confined to the home for over a year with limited mobility.

on divorce she wanted no money from him (he is on disability) and they have joint custody.

growing up my step son has had schooling issues from being disruptive through to potentially attention disorders.   Recently they came on holiday with us for a month.  I funded this fully as husband doesn't have an income.  A week into the holiday my step son springs on us his mother has been taking him to a doctor and he has been diagnosed as biopolar at age 14 and a medication plan is being agreed.   We reassured him over this whilst in private being incredibly concerned.  The bio mother had told us nothing of this including any special care he may need on holiday.  Due to COVID this was our first family time properly in 14 months.  She left him at risk.

shortly after this we had to discipline him kindly but firmly whilst explaining why.  This was  for constantly badgering his little sister with highly offensive comments which meant bed time early.  Suddenly all hell broke loose and he tried to leave the house.  The area we live is not safe for a 14 year old to walk around at night.

my husband stood in front of the front door hands by his side.  And calmly told him leaving was not an option ans to go to his room and we would chat about why this was important.   His son proceeded immediately to charge at him (he is a big boy) and started to punch and kick.  His language was every swear word I ever heard and my husband simply stood by the door and didn't react but kept talking calmly to stop and this would not work.

seeing that was not working my step son ran to the kitchen and started to throw glasses at us.  One missed but shattered by the wall and the other he ran at my husband to strike him with it.  I held out my arm at this point snd got shoved ans my husband has no choice but to then reach out and hold my step sons arms to restrain him.  He finally got the glass off my step son without injuring him (my husband had been shoved into cabinets, punched about 20 times and kicked a lot by this point.  
 

we realized we could not stop him without possibly injuring him and as deescalation was not working we stepped aside and let him leave the house.   We called the police who didn't find him but he eventually returned around 4am went to his room and would not speak to us.

the next proper morning he was "normal" again and apologized.

he is now back with his bio mother.  His sister has told us this has happened multiple times at their home and the mother just lets him go from the house to stop violence.  I can partially understand this as he would over power her.

I can't stop replaying it in my head.  I am not sure if I am traumatized.  There are failings both from the bio mother in keeping this from us so we did not participate in his medical plan so had no say and also to the child who was in our care and we did not have sufficient information to ensure his safety during an episode.

I don't know what to do next with my husband who is also trying to process.  My emotional response is to not want this child in my house in case he attacks us again ans in a year or so he would likely be stronger than my husband.  I even hid every knife.   However that is not an option so We need to figure out response and plan.  The Bio Mom is historically a seriously difficult high conflict personality so partnership on this will be near impossible.

any ideas appreciated.