She has rights to her son, and actually, I think she is doing it the right way (though she should have given your DH a head's up). At least she knows the visits need to be supervised, and she isn't requesting he suddenly come to her house every weekend, that shows some understanding of his needs.

Honestly, I know this is hard for you, but it's best that he know his mother, even if she is mentally ill.  Abandonment by a mother is extremely damaging to a kid, even if he has a good replacement mom.  He needs to have some relationship with her and come to understand that it's her mental illness that was the issue - most kids abandoned by a parent believe it's because they were unlovable, no matter how many times you tell them that's not the case.

I would stay well out of this.  It sounds like what happened was a terrible tragedy.  You said that your DH blamed her in some way for the accident, which obviously was not her fault if it was a drunk driver, but that is what people do.  She likely blamed herself in some way as well, even though it was not her fault, again because that is what people do.  It is hardly unusual for a marriage to not survive something like that and the mother not being able to be around her surviving child after witnessing the deaths of her other two does not surprise me at all.  Clearly she does not want to be around her ex now since she went through the courts rather than contact him and she is going slowly with the child by only requesting supervised visits.  All of this sounds reasonable even if it is uncertain and potentially painful for your DH.  It was probably inevitable.  All you can do is be supportive of him and listen if he wants to talk.  Maybe encourage him to seek therapy to talk out things that he may be uncomfortable talking to you about.  But you would be wise to stay out of the custody issues.  This is not a standard "crappy mom abandoned kid" type situation and there is no moral high ground for you to stand on here.

Your husband and his ex have experienced hurt that had devastating consequences for them.
In most marriages,  where there is a death of a child, eventually the marriage collapses.
Doesn't matter as to who is at fault, even if  it is it no one, someone usually files for divorce, in their case it was the biomom/ex.

It is fully understandable that she suffered from major depression.
Her child and unborn baby died.
Her husband blamed her, even though you write it was not her fault.
This could never be an easy thing to hear or face.
As susanm wrote, she may even have blamed herself.
Put yourself in her shoes: whatever happenend to her, it took 5 years for her to regain her strength to want to see her own child.
A child to which she does have legal rights to.
A child whom she probably does love.

You and your husband may see her "waltzing" back in after 5 years as an intrusion.
I cannot believe those 5 years would have been easy for her.
She has not intruded into your life or your husband's.
She is asserting her rights to her own son and doing so in a manner that shows she has thought about the impact on the child.
The best thing you can do is be supportive of her and the relationship with her son.
You may not like it, as you have been full time parent to her child, but do what is best for the boy.

Please do consider therapy for you and your husband too.
It is not going to be easy to deal with any of this.
Hugs!
 

She can waltz in and out all she wants. She's his mother. It's unfortunate. My brother is a social worker with foster kids. No matter what atrocities the parents have committed, the goal of the state is to reunite these poor children with bio family. Bio comes first even if fosters want to adopt.... These foster parents are saints to take on what they take on, anger, violence, sexual abuse, you name it

My only advice is to support your SS in any way you can. That pleasant demeanor you speak of will be challenged when mommy disappoints him. And she will. I volunteered at the group home with my brother. When mommies would have visit days at the foster home and not show, I saw some of the saddest meltdowns. Why do they care so much for a parent who is abusive, on drugs, etc. No matter what as humans esp children we want the approval of our parents( I go through it with my skids who live with us cuz mom abandoned them).

Also if you can ever adopt this kid, do it! She would have to sign over her roghts but you may be able to get her to do ot with the promise of no child supporr. Its good she took you to court as CS payments will also be discussed.

Good luck. You are in for a ride!

DH should have moved to terminate all of her parental rights when she abandoned the kid for 5yrs. Now that she is back it is probably too late for that.

Since she took the court route, he needs to get a better lawyer and do the same. Highlighting her abandonment of the kid, the kid does not know her, etc, etc, etc....

You  are this kid's mom. This woman is a stranger at best and major threat to this young kid's well being at worst. She has no business coming back after having zero interface with this kid for 5yrs.  DH should petition the courts to keep her gone.

IMHO of course.

Good luck.

I was in your SS's situation. My BM left when I was about 5...poof, gone, and not a peep until I was in 6th grade. I was in counseling at the time, and Social Services tracked her down. They started us on supervised visits. The first time I saw her, we were all in a crowded waiting room of the Social Services room, and I was trying to figure out which woman she was...I had a guess, but still didn't know until they called our names and she stood up (she wasn't the one I had guessed). She left again after a few months, never really to be heard from again (except one phone call in high school and a Facebook friend request 15 years later).

Anyway, I can tell you that it messes with you. Feeling as if you were totally abandoned never goes away. You can be a well-adjusted person and adult, but it's always there, messing with your insecurities, playing out in different ways throughout your life. I definitely understand where you are coming from, and your fears and frustration with BM, but I can tell you that you do not want your SS to experience that kind of total abandonment. No one should have to feel that. I'm sure it would have softened the blow to have had a caring SM, and it's great that you have been there for him. I honestly think all you can do is be supportive of him, and hope that she goes on to have a positive relationship with him. There's nothing you can do anyway, unless she chooses to not be in his life anymore. Hopefully you can try to "flip" your way of thinking, to hoping she sticks around, for your SS's sake.

needs to get a lawyer asap. You said she actually gave full custody to dh, did she sign away her parental rights at the same time? I feel really bad for this kid as to the confusion this will cause. Be supportive of the child and your dh and be ready to get the child into therapy if this causes extreme confusion.

This is your husbands drama, past and fight if he chooses to make it one. It's a sad story with lots of loss. I couldn't imagine losing an unborn child and having my husband blame me, that's pure mental cruelty.