Step son and his mom are ruining my marriage.
Let me start off by saying, I remarried my first husband. Marriages are 20 years apart. After we divorced, he found a girl and had a baby. Year later, mom had issues and left and took kid to another state. Hubs loves his kid more than life itself. He packed up and moved to be near his kid.
Fast forward to 5 years ago. I was going thru my 2nd divorce and hubs messaged me and we started talking. I do not have kids, as it is not in my stars I guess. Always wanted a little boy with hubs. We talked a lot. Then we started dating. He owns a house, but works in another state. Only home on weekends. His mom and sister live in his house (bill and rent free). It was fun visiting and everything was going good.
We ended up getting married, I quit my 20 year long career, sold my house, and left my family/friends/life behind. The plan was for me to be on the road with him. We tried and got an apartment, but he kept getting sent to other cities to work for a week here and there. It became a burden for us to pay for 3 places to live (his house, our apartment, his motels). So I moved into the basement of his house. SIL and I do not get along, like at all. I was working, doing yard work, house work, and cleaning up after 5 people. It got old. SiL finally moved out. MiL travels between the kids so her bedroom stays open for her. I am still in basement 2 years later, trying to save up for knee replacement surgeries on both knees.
Step son and I used to get along great, until we got married. He was 10 when we met and now 15. I hate to say it but he was more mature when he was 10 than now.
SS will not clean up after himself, help with chores, or anything. He just eats, sleeps, and does whatever. His mom plays him against me and it doesnt help that SS changes stories and puts words in my mouth I have never said or implied. His mom will call hubs and start yelling, then hubs calls me and does the same. SS is so freaking spoiled that his events have to be these big parties, but he has never once told me happy bday or merry Christmas, nothing. I can barely walk and he cant help with mowing or cleaning pool, or even vacuum.
When I know hubs is coming to town, I try to arrange for SS to be here when hubs arrived, but it is a never ending battle. He wants his dad to get him, after working 12 hours, driving 4, and then another 1 to get him, ARG! He will get dropped off at 10pm. Or I will get a 5 minute notice to come now and get him.
I am the only one out of the entire 2 families, that takes this child to doc appt, takes care of him when he is sick, took him to all of the school appts to make sure he got into this great high school here. He has braces and they are due to come off within the next month. I am the only one to take him to those also. My mom is visiting next week for a couple of weeks. I haven't seen her in months. He has an appt while she is in and his mom will not take him to one appt.
I dont want to deal with SS while she is here. She should be here for 2 weekends and hubs may be in. He says he wants to see her but... He brings way to much drama. He lies, is inconsiderate, disrespectful, selfish, and spoiled.
Am I wrong? I feel like a bitch sometimes because I cant deal with it. I have even thought about leaving and moving back to my home state but I really love hubs. I want this to work but I cannot deal with everything.
Is the alternative for the BM
Is the alternative for the BM to have the kid while your mom is there? You’re not a bitch for wanting that.
Ummm...stop it right now!
Stop engaging these toxic ppl right now!
Move inside the house where easier for you and your knees.
Get on DH insurance plan.
Quit doing anything for da brat. Bm can drop him off. His dad can make plans with BM. Do not engage bm.If dh yells at you hang up pretend you do not hear him. Do not engage brat and leave the mess for dh to pick up.
Hire someone to clean the pool or leave it for DH to do. If feeling ballsy leave EVERYTHING for DH to do and you keep only your space clean.
At 15 da brat is more than appropriately aged to be at home without adult supervisor.. (At 15 I was going to and paying for my own doctor visits and care. Going to a full time job and pulling A+ average in school and contributing to household expenses. Im sure brat cannot hope to reach those standards but children like i was still exist!) He can go on his own to the dentist. Better yet tell DH brat has dental appointment and you are busy! He nees to take brat! And No! No brat during your mothers visit. ( unless you want your mom to see the bad behavior so you can have an ally ....)
You are DH life partner not nanny/ cook/ maid/ emotional punching bag!
I would also ask
What is the custody agreement? Do you have 50/50? What is wrong with BM that she gets away with zero contributions, and zero efforts made? How can she complain when apparently YOU are doing all the work?
A spoiled kid put up on a pedestal enjoys being spoiled, and worshipped. If you ask him to do something, does he argue and complain? Do you ask things of him? I was told from the get go, that I have permission to do the ask, and I do not have to go through SO-now-DH. I have kind of a spoiled princess snowflake SD12, and when I ask for chores to be done, its a struggle. These kids have never had to put out any efforts, and when they are asked by someone to put out efforts, it is a struggle. Attitude. Pouting. And then MAYBE it gets done, halfway. Are the kind of person who is perfectionist and so would prefer to do it yourself because you know it will get done right? Thats my DH. That is his reason for not asking all the time for kidling to clean. Because its WORK to oversee her and the efforts are marginal at best.
But the whole thing about living in the basement. Is there not enough room in the main house? I would assume that once SIL left, there would be a bedroom available. IS that being rented out to cover mortgage, while room is left open for MIL and SS takes the other? Please clarify why you would not move into SIL's room. Unless the basement is really dialed in, and you love your privacy and not having to see SS as much!
About the lies and playing each against each other, I think that is called triangulation. That is very bad. MY SD19 when she was a teen living with us, used to do that. She would make up things like "CLove is going to get me kicked out when I turn 18! And you too Munchkin!!! (thats the younger sister). Of course Munchkin would believe it, start crying, and then High Conflict GU BM would text DH complaining about his choice of girlfriend, and "how could you be with someone like that??? Is that what you want for yourself and OUR GIRLS?" Forget about the abusiveness of BM, lets assume that she REALLY CARES ABOUT HER CHILDREN. But the lies about me, causing stress, and conflict - yup, I have been there! Feral Eldest SD19 doesnt live with parents anymore, but BM always finds new source of conflict.
Stop doing for this spoiled child!!!! No more over the top parties, you need your surgeries, I think that would be more important. Why does spoiled SS get parties, and you get nothing? Not good! You are DH number one, his WIFE, and as such deserve more than maid and nanny status. I think that EVERYONE HERE would agree with that statement. You need to clam your status as QUEEN of your land (DHs house is YOURS TOO!!!) Put that crown on sister!
And, um, SS while our mum visits? I agree, only if you need an ally, and an observer to help you in moral suppport.
To answer some questions..
When I moved in, there were 3 cats upstairs along with the in laws. They did not get along with my dog. So we moved into the basement. At that time I did not have knee issues. That happened almost a year after the move. It used to be all one open room. I built a bedroom to have privacy. Since SIL moved out there is still 1 cat, again does not get along with my dog.
I am on husbands insurance but having 2 surgeries 2 weeks apart, both with a 1 night stay in hospital, boarding the dog for a few days, etc will be a little pricey. I know we can make payments but I hate having that much debt over my head.
SS visits on weekends and whenever he wants. That way he can see his dad when he is in town.
Getting chores done is impossible. His excuses are in this order: he has to poop, he has a headache, or just lays on his bed. If it is just me, he is a decent kid. If dad is home, he back talks, disrespectful, texts his mom about conversations, etc. Currently he flunked a class and is doing summer school from home. When he started it at the beginning of the month, he was with me and his grandmom. She is older so she doesn't understand no distractions portion. Both of his parents told me to be a hard ass on him to get it done. At the end of the week he was 40% competed with everything. 3 weeks at his moms and he has only added 32% more completed. BM wants me to make him study on the weekends when he is spending time with his dad, and I refuse. She had all week to have or allow him time to study, but doesnt. She always has him babysitting or doing chores there. She had 2 additional kids after SS and she cant take care of them, IMO. Then they keep adding dogs to the family, currently at 3 with 2 under 1.5 years.
BM took care of medical visits before me but she always did the ER route so she could post on social media about the poor sick baby. He does not have a regular doc. The Ortho appts, she says she cant take him, cause she isn't going to pay for the visit. I keep telling them, they are paid for. There is nothing to pay unless she misses the appt.
Believe me she gets a nice chunk of child support. Almost half of my monthly take home for working with the government for 20 years. But we still have to pay for just about everything.
I keep telling myself, I can hang on till he gets out of school but will it change then? His dad was a late bloomer and really didnt get into girls till senior year, which is fine but when will he grow up?
I keep telling them that the real world doesnt give participation trophies, and that he needs to realize that he is 15 and should be responsible for something in his spoiled and entitled life.
Is this going to get better or am I going to have this drama for the rest of my life?
Oh here is another example... I was at an adult bday party (couple turned 50), I met a lady that is sisters with their neighbors. SS used to hang out with the neighbors daughter a lot. But it stopped suddenly. We were talking about why. Daughter says that SS is rude, immature, and racist. She provided examples. I came home and told hubs. We talked with SS next time we saw him ,without giving too much info. He went home and told his step dad that I said SDad was racist. Needless to say, i get a nasty phone call like 20 minutes after we dropped him off at his moms, from the step dad. I was in public so I couldn't defend myself or provide examples. Just so tired of it all.
As far as being a higher priority for my hubs. His son will always be top of the list. I believe I would be like 3 or so. Even though I gave up my entire life and career for this to work.
I feel like I am just exhausted from trying to follow everyone's rules but they cannot respect my boundaries.
I feel your pain. I have
I feel your pain. I have health problems and bad knees and still do EVERYTHING around the house, only because I refuse to live in a pig sty. My husband works 7 days a week and half the week I have HIS 2 teenage boys. The youngest, 13 is soooooo lazy. He also uses the "I have to poop excuse" but when he doesn't get his way, he says crazy things like "I pooped my pants" even though he still wets the bed every night. Friends ask why I dont just leave, but when I married my husband, I promised never to leave him, I do love him with all my heart. Back then they weren't this bad, but their BM also cannot get off her ass to get one kid, let alone 2, to any appt or game, practice, school event, etc, it's always put on me. And I hate for the kids to miss out because they have shitty parents, that's why I do it.