Going no contact with stepdaughter (12)
I need an advice... I've never post anything personal on any blogs or social media but I'm not sure if I'm doing a right thing. A bit of a back story... my stepdaughter is 12 and I've known her since she was 4. Been with my husband for 8 years, married for 6. At first the relationship with SD was great, to the point when our son was born she asked to call me mum. We moved to be closer to her (she mainly lives with her BM). The relation my H have with his ex partner is rocky at best, but we tried to be civil for the sake of SD. Our mutual acquaintance called BM narcissistic sociopath and in my opinion that doesn't even cover it. She has alienated SD from me very successfully, to the point of my things being damaged, stolen (BM brought some back to me when accidently admitting SD had it, dissmissing the theft completely), lies... she also accused me of physical and mental abuse, my husband had my back, telling BM that telling SD to do her homework, eat with us at the table and being told off for being rude,etc. is not abuse of any kind and that SD is being treated exactly the same as her brother. I cannot tell you how much stress it all brought to our lives, but we tried to live with it for the sake of the kids and hope for the future. Unfortunately it become worse, SD started to tell lies about my husband and other members of our family(husband side) every time she is being denied something. Although we know she doesn't understand the real consequences (social services) she is only 12, her mother is very manipulative and jumps on every occasion to ruin our peace. H decided enough and we are moving, also going no contact. H admitted that he still sees her as his little girl but the way she is changing, toxic behaviours and more and more serious lies is just too dangerous. That decision broke us both. We have great relationship, we support eachother through this like we did through every other rough patch. My question is : we are already no contact, I'm packing our house and my H and son (6years) are at our new place looking for house and school. My son loves his sister, and we tried our best to explain the situation to him, he is not blind but we sheltered him from her worst. He is also used to her coming and going as she pleases. But he is 6... at first I was strongly against the idea of letting him say good bye due to manipulations of SD, but now I'm not sure. Is it better for him or will it make it worse? He is dealing with the move very bravely, treating it as a new adventure. Like I said he is used to his sister coming whenever she is bored and going after 5 min if nothing exciting is happening, but she is still his sister. I don't know what the right thing is...
Did your husband try to work
Did your husband try to work through any of the issues with his daughter in therapy.. was social services involved.. I have a tough time seeing a biological parent cutting ties with a minor child.. a step parent.. not as big of an issue, especially when you have another child that could have their safety with you questioned.
But, making some efforts to figure out a way to have a relationship with his bio daughter.. even if it meant no visitation in your home.. I guess he has tried I'm sure.. but that's just my gut feeling.. it probably feeds into the "your daddy doesn't love you and replaced you with a new family" narrative that mom has pushed.
SD is in therapy since she
SD is in therapy since she was 10, BM insisted, H tried to contact the therapist to explain how SD is with us and what was happening but the therapist said no need , she already has the full picture from BM and that was it. He tried, for years, belive me this decision was not made easily. We both cried in eachothers arms when this decision was made(from heartbreak and reliev , we addmited this to eachother), we simply cannot live like this any more.
Do I let my 6 year old son say good bye and risk him being manipulated or no? What's the best thing to do for him? My husband doesn't want our son seeing his daughter, he said he doesn't trust her...
I would listen to your
I would listen to your husband. Saying his sister is having a difficult time and won't be coming over.. As he gets older.. it can be age appropriate.. and who knows.. things could change when BM realizes that she has her daughter on her hands full time.
Don't let your fee fees
Don't let your fee fees overwhelm your brain. Your DH knows both of his kids and knows that your SD is a lost cause and not trustworthy.
Get on with your core family unit living your best lives. BM and SD have made their bed and she and BM need to live in that cesspool of genetic effluent together.
Good riddance to SD until she can extricate her head from BM's toxic butt and influence.
Grieve, and move on. Trust your DH. He is right in this situation.
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A 6 yo can’t understand any of this,
SD looks normal, but has mental problems. You can't explane that to a 6 yo. Not like he has a broken arm. But has a broken mind. It's really bad when the older kid has problems. The therapist sees what's going on. But DH should see that therapist with SD to work on there relationship.. to make SD understand there's consequences to her actions. Her telling lies. Her getting authority involved in her nonsense. But the therapist should of had a talk with DH about his concerns. BM is running the show. The world does not revolve around SD. DH may have to show tough Love He might have to wright off SD for his DS . DS can be parent , SD can not '' Now in your side I would not let SD to continue to Defending me. SD Would not be allowed in my home until she grows up. Youbdonr need child welfare to get involved. It could cause problems with your bio kids...DH can see her at McDonald
I don't think a goodbye is
I don't think a goodbye is necessary. It only puts your child in a bad place. Refer to his sister as staying with her mom or taking a break right now and you do not know what the future holds, w/out putting too much on him. A formal goodbye is not necessary and will only backfire. Pack up, move on,and protect your family but don't dump it on him.
Thank you all for the advice.
Thank you all for the advice.
Just to clarify: DH tried tough love and it backfired with more lies. We've been at this for years.
In terms of SD therapy with DH involved, BM did not permitted it.
It's done ,we are no contact, I'm packing and we are moving.
I found out that members of our family (especially the ones with kids) were distancing themselves from us due to SD behaviour/comments, social media post.
We never agreed to SD having any social media presence but BM allowed it. We also found out that SD was commenting to the kids of our friends how awful and unfit parents (especially me) we are to her and her brother, that she at least can get away but he is stuck with us.
Our friends , which known us over a decade came to us with concer for us and the damage SD might cause.
Recent most serious situation was against DH mother, 75 year old , amazing woman, when we asked her what happened ( they had great relationship till now) we were told that the only thing that changed was that she got stricter, no longer allowed SD to use her for money, didn't tolerate rudeness etc. Quite honestly we were shocked, SD loved her grandmother, we've never expected SD will turn on her.
The lies are very obvious for what they are, but BM is enabling it. We've consulted police and layers with the evidence we had, proving it a lie and were assured that grandma is safe. She is however broken over this. The accusations were never made official but this is not the first time.
We are done, with a heavy heart but we are done. I hope she will grow up with a bit of self awareness. I hope she will grow up a decent human being. I don't think that's what is going to happen but I still hope.
Anyway thank you again for your advice. Hope you all having a nice evening/day.
I think for now you can just
I think for now you can just downplay and say something vague or change the subject until she is older and if she asks you can explain. Things might change. I would say she's busy or can't come right now and then move on to do an activity. You don't have to explain why she doesn't come around. She doesn't need a crazy explanation and she wouldn't understand at that age.
A 12yo knows right from wrong
A 12yo knows right from wrong and that lies are wrong. She may not fully comprehend the consequences but she knows damned good and well she is full of shit, a liar, and it is time for her to recognize the consequences of her choices as those consequences apply to her.
I applaud that you are moving to protect your family. That your DH is absolutely clear that this is the right thing to pretect himself, his youngest child, his bride, and his marriage is outstanding.
Time for you to stop trying to make excuses for this toxic failed family spawn. She is what and who she is. Personality is mostly established in the early teens so... she has to be held accountable for her choices.
You and your DH have to focus on raising your son, protecting him from all of this. However, protecting does not mean sheltering him. He is at a stage where he needs to start being given answers for his questions on where his sister is. That includes explaining to him, in an age appropriate manner, the facts associated with all of this.
As your son grows up, keep expanding his exposure to the facts. He very well may need to protect himself from his sister once he is an adult. My SS has thrived as a viable man of characther, honor, and standing in his profession and community. Unfortunately his Spermidiot's three younger also out of wedlock kids by two other baby mamas did not win the mom lottery like my SS did. Spermdaddy spawn #2 is on the dole, #3 is in prison, and #4 is not far behind the inmate.
Even when he had aged out from under the CO, SS was approached for money to help raise his younger sibs, pressured to repay all of the CS that according to them had been paid to SS, and to start direct payroll withholding for direct deposit to SpermGrandHag's account because he owed it to his younger sibs. SS knew the facts, he had confronted them and their lies, manipulations, and PASing crap for years as he progressed to 18. When they lied, we countered with the facts making SS fully aware of them. In an age appropriate manner.
I know how heartbreaking it is to love a Skid who struggles with the influence of the shallow and polluted end of their gene pool. However, no person or family should sacrifice themselves or their younger kids to the baggage of one of the spouses.
IMHO of course.
Take care of you. Take care of your DS.
SD has mental problems
If her therapist Is failing , as SD in yeas of therapy getting no where. End result. You are going nowhere with SD. DH is her BF and shouldd be helping his child. If BM is not allowing it. There nothing you can do. But you must understand, once you disengage there no rein engaging in the future.
Oh boy can empathize with
Oh boy can empathize with your predicament. My SD will be 18 in two weeks and I have had to disengage from her over the past two years especially. BM is also a classic narcassist and has been SD's primary caregiver. SD stopped coming to our place just over two years ago. I have come to be totally fine with this now. Less stress. And no walking on eggshells in my own home. You can read my previous posts to get a good sense of the BS I went through with SD and BM and happy to DM if you'd like to chat further.
I agree with Yesterdays regarding how to approach your son about SD not being around.
I agree with everyone else. I
I agree with everyone else. I also wish that parents who pull this crap with their kids (parental alienation syndrome) would be charged with child abuse, because that's what it is. Best of luck to you with your new life away from the dysfunction.
Thank you all again for all
Thank you all again for all the comments!
Couple more days and we are gone from our current house.
On more then one occasion BM has been seen sitting in a car watching our house, we've been told that by our neighbours. Also once she was with SD, one of our neighbours just came out of her house with her little son, my sons friend, looked at her and SD, they drove off in a rush.
I don't know what this is all about but it makes me feel very unsettled. Few more days till the moving van but the time could not go fast enough.
Thank you again for the advice, have a amazing day.