Their relationship was fractured before you came along. Now that you have removed yourself from the equation, she has no one to send her nastiness to but her own father. And they don't have the tools to work through relationship issues because they did not have a normal father/daughter relationship before, but rather one where SD controlled her father through the cycle of Manipulate and Reward/Punish.

Same thing is going on in my life....I removed myself from OSD's life, and she is now punishing her father. I am not sure why this is...in my case I think my OSD thought DH would side with her even with her bad behavior. She made several comments to him that she could not believe that he defended me and not her, even though she admitted some of her bad behavior! She expected that if I were not going to cater to her, the Self-Appointed Head of the Original Family, that her father would leave me for her. He did not.

I think I experienced something similar - sort of. My SD18 has been on & off with her dad (my SO) - talking, not talking, being verbally abusive, etc. I've been in his life for 3 yrs and the last few times, especially the last time this happened, it was because he wouldn't give in to her demands which was really me saying no. For instance, she wanted to spend a week at our house at the end of summer while we work 10 hr days. I told him hell no cause she makes bad decisions, etc. I even explained it to her myself. That is was all me cause he was willing to allow it. She soon cut off communications with him. She spoke to me a couple of times. I think she knows that cutting me off & not speaking to me will have ZERO effect and she won't get her way. She knows not speaking to him has hurt him in the past so that's her MO.

SacrificialLamb has it right. I even labeled myself "a SM" and tried to understand all the dysfunction that was going on around me, for 30+ years. I finally disengaged and viewed the entire situation from a broader perspective.

DH and his kids have had a dysfunctional relationship from day one; DH blames BM of course. So I really had nothing to do with my SD's actions; but she blames me. So it is all very confusing, until you begin to disengage. I have been totally disengaged almost 4 years; I began disengaging 8 years ago. So I wasted a lot of years blaming myself.

Now SD is punishing DH, because she told him to divorce me (in writing) and he chose to stay with me. I often wonder if there is a place on earth for women like my SD56 and SGD33 (mother/daughter). What is their purpose?

With all of this said, I know I'm not alone. I am amazed how many people are treated like I am and vent on this site. Thank goodness we (women and men) have this site to salvage our mental state.

I get it jumperjimcrow.

She'll never be happy as long as you're in the picture so you might as well do what makes you happy instead. It's sad for gskids that some many of their parents are this way. It sounds like you truly care about gs4 and would be a great person and bonus grandparent in his life.

I really don't understand why someone would cut out a positive role model and someone supportive who would spoil and love their child. Maybe it's all about not replacing granma BM. Heaven forbid you're seen to be a wonderful person by an innocent child. That would shatter all the hatred that sd had built up over the years.

SD56 tried to turn all three of my SGkids against me. She wrote nasty FB messages to our YSGS30, who wasn't even her child; he was OSS's son and close to us always. He passed three years ago of Leukemia. Another story....

I stepped away and said nothing; I didn't even respond to SD's nasty FB messages nor a two page hate email she wrote me, when she got so frustrated with me and had a melt down. In the email SD56 wrote about YSGS (who passed) and my only two bio sons, whom I lost several years ago, in a car accident. My SD56 tried to hit a nerve that was already dead in regards to her.

I was crushed that anyone, especially this toxic woman would bring these boys up in a hate email. It tells me how vicious my SD56 really is. Even as cruel as SD56 has been with words, I have ignored her. SD56 wants the fight and I absolutely refuse to give it to her. I have NEVER responded to her in any way. I just stay silent, stay disengaged, and stay away from her totally.

OSGS39 and family visit us often and are very good to us. SGD33 has pretty much followed in SD56's shoes in the way she treats me; but when SD56 is not around SGD33 can be very nice and sincere. Of course they are all good to DH (Grandpa) and that is respectful in my book.

With all of that said, grandkids grow up and have their own minds. If you treat them well and don't chase after them, they WILL come around, I'm convinced. This is what happened in my case. I always stayed civil, stayed in touch, and treated my SGkids with respect at any age.

You will win in the end. Just let your grandchildren learn by example.

I disengaged about a year ago. I thought SD30 would want to see her dad all the time now that I'm out of the picture. But it seems they see each other about as often or even less often. I stopped taking cross country trips to see my husband's extended family because SD always managed to get off work and show up there too. It was always so tense. I recently realized she hasn't done that since I disengaged. Husband says her new job doesn't permit her to fly across the country for visits as easily. I don't know that I buy that.
Maybe disengaging takes the fun out of relating to their dads - they cannot flex their muscles and bully, so it just isn't as fun spending the day with dad.
I agree with sacrificial lamb that there was a problem before we SMs came along. With us out of the picture, there is no one to target except their fathers. Let their fathers take it - it's their mess.