my BD-12 vs FH
My FH and I have been together over a year and have had minor problems with my middle child BD-12 which is very stubborn and bull headed. I've witnessed some of the issues in the past and her and I talked and resolved them. The past few weeks she has become a bit out of control she disrespects FH, smarts off to him, rolls her eyes,etc. He and I talk to each other when either one of us are having issues with his/my children and get things under control. He was talking to me about my BD last night after an incindent between the two of them earlier.Incident- he was displining the puppy for doing something he should not have (nothing violent) she yelled at him and told him you dont need to do that. He and I were talking and she walked in and heard she ran upstairs and I went to talk to her. She said I dont know why he always runs to you tattling about us like a little kid, he had no right to talk about me, I dont like him. Her and I talked and told her it doesnt matter who the person is you dont disrespect adults whether you disagree or like them. I have tried punishing her when she acts like this from taking her phone, computer time, tv, friends, spanking, etc.I have even tried just her and I time thinking she need us time since it has been just my kids and I for years. I was thinking maybe it's just her age,"female time" and adolescence. But Im not sure thats all that it is. It's just getting worse.
Any suggestions on what I should do next?
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Comments
Can you empower your FH to
Can you empower your FH to take care of situations like this on his own? Do you trust him enough to do that? For example, when your daughter tried to override his actions, FH should have simply and calmly told her that he is an adult and she is a child and it's not her job to monitor his actions, and that should have been the end of it. It never should have been brought up to you, as it seems like a pretty minor thing. I can see your daughter being upset that you were talking about it.
I suspect your FH is uncertain about his role with regard to your daughter and also is worried that your daughter will blow things out of proportion. So he brought it to you before your daughter could do it. I often had to do this with DH and it was not a comfortable situation for me, especially because he would not discipline her and so I felt important issues remained unresolved.
It just seems like both your FH and daughter are uncertain about their roles in this new dynamic. I wouldn't punish her per se, I would just lay out to both of them their roles and your expectations, to put them both on firmer footing.
Exactly Elizabeth - I used
Exactly Elizabeth - I used to do this too with the skids, I'd walk away and basically "tattle" on the skids. I'm still not their main disciplinarian, but I do let them know firmly when they are out of line in our home. Now, they don't view me as some "kid" tattling on them to their Daddy. Now they respect me as an adult.
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“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.”
What is her punishment when
What is her punishment when she behaves like this?
Has your FH ever told her with a firm tone that he will not tolerate her behavior towards him or her disrespect? Or does he walk away and tell you?
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“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.”
I do agree that he should
I do agree that he should stand up for himself but he won't he is even like that with BM and lets people run him over. Which I've told him u need to grow some and stand up. anyway.
He has not told her anything he just runs to me which the times his kids have tried to pull that with me I do tell them. This indicident isnt the worse it's just one of many but it is the first where she has told me she doesn't like him and wants to go live with her grandmother. That hurt cause I will not choose a man over my kids.
I've taken her phone away, tv/compluter time, friends, sent her to her room, and even spaked her but we always talk about what has happened and try to resolve it.
I completely understand - I
I completely understand - I know the struggle youre dealing with, but he's going to *have* to stand up for himself. He will never earn her respect if he doesn't. And the older she gets, the less respect she will have for him.
He doesn't have to take it to the extreme and spank her, ground her, or punish her. That job should be left up to you. But he should definitely let her know in a firm tone that her behavior will not be tolerated.
I've just finished a book that touched on this topic, I don't have it with me now, but when I have some time this evening, I will give you the information from it.
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“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.”
I agree 100% with what your
I agree 100% with what your are saying becuase I have no problem with letting his kids know when they have reached their boundries but I do not spake,ground or punish them(not my place) so I don't see why he would have a problem letting mine know.
As for the book I would appreciate that,thank you!!
Oh she knows she cant choose
Oh she knows she cant choose where she wants to live I don't play that game.
I know how self centered teens can be I'm dealing with my BS-14 and we were all a teen at one time...lol
As for not choosing a man over my children I know this is probably just a temp. thing with her saying she hates/doesnt like him because she is mad and I will give the situation time to cool down but eventually if the battles have to end. Specially if he isnt man enought to put his foot down and let her walk over him.