Disenaging FINALLY because of...A CELLPHONE!!
LOL. This is so dumb.
MiL and BM got SS12 a brand new iphone XR without discussing with DH and me. We objected when we found out but they gave it to him anyway. He already has an brand new iPad with all the communication feature he needs to keep in touch and all the free, age-appropriate apps he can fit into the damn thing. We do not believe he needs a brand new iphone at his age. I am disengaging as I feel the amount of influence I have on his well-being is disproportionate to how much investment I put into his life. I can't believe it took a fucking cell phone for me to open my eyes and see how little my opinion means to anyone. My DH is a doormat when it comes to his mom (my MIL), and my MIL, being a single mother, always has BM's back. I'm cool when it's convenient for them, and I'm utter shit if I get in their way. Starting to distance myself from here on out. I guess I can use the coronavirus as an excuse for "social distancing"!
P.S. We had to give our newly adopted cat away because MiL doesn't like cats. She does not live with us. She is not allergic. I am realllly tempted to just get another cat right now.
I'm confused about why you
I'm confused about why you had to give up your cat, simply because your MIL doesn't like cats.
Take back control of your own household.
I Agree
Yeah no more of that shit. See my above response to JJcastle about how the cat thing went down.
I still don't get it, what
I still don't get it, what business is it of hers if you have a cat or not?
He probably needs to un-entangle from her business wise if she is going to use that to bully and emotionally abuse him. Complicated relationships are best had from afar.
She's CRAY
It's totally not her business, but she makes everything her business...and like I said, DH was suffering for it.
He constantly fantasizes about leaving the business...then feels guilty because it will leave his mom drowning in all the work. He won't do it. I don't know if he ever will.
Doesn't he see that if she
Doesn't he see that if she needs him that much that he has huge leverage over her?
If she doesn't need him that much, she'll simply hire someone else to do the job.
Tell him to:
Seriously, why stay where you're miserable?
Yes
The real answer to that is because his work is quite lucrative, even though he is miserable. I am also in the process of growing a spine. I have been growing frustrated lately because I can't stick up for myself for shit.
Then stop feeling bad for him
Then stop feeling bad for him. He either stands up to his mother, like a man, or he takes her crap, like a man, and leaves you out of it.
DH needs to find a new job.
DH needs to find a new job.
I would get 2 kitties--They
I would get 2 kitties--They have so much more fun !!
Then we would tell them NO cell phones in our house...buzz off.
THEN my dh and I would be looking in another state to find work AND another home.
You both need to remember it's YOUR home, YOUR rules and YOUR decisions.
Working in the family business cant be all that great with people like this. Go stand on your own two feet. Right now they do not respect dh.
LOL
I would love to have 2 cats...the more the merrier!! *biggrin*
I fantasize about moving somewhere far, far away from these crazy people...but I do realize DH has a problem with leaving his momma, even if he wants to act like he's a big boy...
Your DH is a Mama's Boy. Time
Your DH is a Mama's Boy. Time to learn to stand up to her. Next time she fires him, he should refuse to come back to work for her, find a separate job, and learn to be emotionally independent from her. His enmeshment with her is why she feels free to abuse him and side with his ex against him. Until he learns to be a grown man and not needs his mother's approval, this will continue. It's not BM's or MIL's fault, you aren't married to either of them - it's DH's fault.
Hey Tog!
I always love it when you respond to my posts *biggrin*
Yeah, DH has a lot of work to do. She's constantly laying on guilt trips and I know he feels guilty whenever we talk about him leaving the family business. He definitely needs to work through whatever it is that is keeping him so latched to her. All I know is that it's been him and her all his life.
While you do have step
While you do have step problems, your biggest problem is your spineless SO, followed by your boundary-stomping battleaxe of a MIL. The only way your marriage is going to survive is by getting your H to change tactics, let go of the fear, obligation and guilt, and get on the same page as you.
All of your unhappiness can be traced to your conflict avoidant H. I suggest you 1) get him into marriage counseling, and 2) check out Reddit's JUSTNOMIL subreddit. There, you'll get lots of support and good advice from others who've dealt with some pretty awful MILs.
Love Reddit
Haha I'm on reddit quite a lot, actually, and have ran into that subreddit a few times. I'm more of a lurker there because Reddit is big scary sometimes. I agree we do need a real sit down and figure out what to do about all this.
You did not have to give away
You did not have to give away your cat. You chose to give away your cat. WTF!
Since your DH has no balls, time for you to grow the pair in your marriage and lay waste to the coddled SKid, MIL and the toxic womb donor (BM). Time to go all cat lady (adopt a bunch) on their axis of evil asses and confiscate the phone for the duration of all SKid visitations . Zero tolerance and bring the pain in response to any bullshit from any of them. No matter how insignificant that bullshit may be.
smh
Yes I Chose My Husband Over the Cat
Hi can you teach me how to be like...super awesome like that? I have serious trouble in identifying bullshit (due to years of bullshit all my life, probably) not until it's too late and then I'm just....stewing.
I used planning and scripting
I used planning and scripting during our peak SpermClan drama years. You know the players, you know how they act and what likely behaviors they will play. So, based on that you build a script library of solid responses and strategies to keep them in line.
Now, nothing you plan for or script will roll out as you planned for, but having already planned it is easy to adjust the script as you need it in real time.
One thing I suggest that you immediately adjust is the perspective that you put your DH above the cat. I would say you abdicated control in your life and marriage to your MIL and it really had nothing to do with prioritizing your DH and it had nothing to do with the Cat. It has everything to do with your MIL being an invasive control freak.. Don't ever do that again. For most people it takes experience to confidently deal with drama from toxic manipulative people. You are gaining that experience. So, build on it with preparation and zero tolerance of bullshit from the toxic opposition. Even when that opposition is your DH's mother.
"No" is both a complete sentence/conversation and the most powerful word in human communication. Start there.
Deep breaths, start writing your script, and take care of you.
BM did the same thing when SD
BM did the same thing when SD turned 9. Yep, NINE! She gave a child unlimited and unsupervised access to EVERYTHING on the internet. BM does not care if she is on TikTok, SnapChat, etc.
BM said SD was ONLY allowed to call/text DH. Not me. Ever. Under any condition.
DH let BM know the phone was NOT welcome in our house. SD STILL tried to sneak it over and DH took it. He said SD could get it back when she was otw to her mom's.
I found SD TikTok account. Videos of her dancing and cussing. DH was furious and let BM know. She did not care and said she just wants SD "to be herself." *eyeroll*
Atleast DH and I are on the same page. Glad he grew a spine about the phone thing too.
Well... BM is a POS parent.
Well... BM is a POS parent. Serving her 9yo up to cyber space as perve bait is just puke worthy.
End of discussion.
IMHO of course.