Can Anyone Figure my SS Out Because I Can't
Backstory: SS10 and I met when he was 5 and we hit it off right away. We had a good relationship where my role felt more like the "fun aunt" or "big sis" . Once I had my son, I stepped up to parent him as well since I became a SAHM and figured it was the right thing to do (and we all know how that goes downhill...fast).
So, now to the behavior I would like to address about SS10--HE IS SUPER CLINGY WITH ME. He tries to hug me and tells me he loves me every 5-10 minutes. If I let him, he would hug me and never let go. When he sees me give DS2 a hug and/or kiss, he flies in to get his share too. I finally put my foot down the other day about him rushing to get his hug/kiss/love when I'm doing so with DS. I told him it's uncomfortable for me to hug them both at the same time and I would much rather he wait until I'm done loving DS2 and then I can give him my full attention. He constantly wants kisses and affection, more so than my own son! I feel when I'm around the house doing chores, he's interrupting my work flow to get a hug in. It's driving me nuts!! If I reject him, he looks very sad and depressed, and then I feel bad.
He does not act this way with his father, grandparents, and bio mom. I don't get to see how he interacts with BM most of the time anyway, so I can only assume he may be the same with his own mother...but there is no proof. He is not affectionate with her around me and barely hugs her from what I see when she comes for pick up. When we go out, no matter who is with us (DH, Grandma/pa, his own friends, even BM), he will prefer to walk next to me and hold my hand or wrap his arm around me. I feel so smothered. I'm afraid to show affection to my own son around him. DH is blind to all this btw, or at least doesn't do anything about it.
So, Stalkers, I need your opinions? Why is my SS like this? Does he feel he needs to fight for my attention now that I have DS? But then why doesn't he act this way with his father? Any way to set boundaries without hurting any feelings?
PS I am historically bad at setting boundaries due to an abusive/neglectful upbringing. This site has helped me with this issue but I've got ways to go. Thanks everyone for reading.
Also Wanted To Add
ALSO-SS10's need to be close to me is not just physical. When he is not physically paying attention to me, he will be talking to me. Not about anything important though, like he never seems to be able to tell me anything important about school, I have to ask or find out myself--just random shit he saw on youtube or wherever and dumb knock knock jokes. Constantly. I don't know what's more annoying. Sometimes I just want to tell him to shut up! Of course that's just wicked stepmother fodder though, right? Ugh.
In dogs, this is called
In dogs, this is called "resource guarding". I have a little dog who runs off my big dog any time he sees her getting any attention from me. Either butts in so I can pet him too, or bites the back of her legs and barks at her she until leaves of her own free will.
Like with dogs, he needs boundaries set on him. It's well past time for a "Knock it off, SS, I'm playing with DS right now. We'll have time later." Or "I can't talk to you right now, SS, I'm in the middle of something. I'll let you know when I'm free."
My guess is that you tolerate it more than anyone else does because you feel bad for him. Let him sulk. He needs to learn to take his turn and have boundaries.
Oh That's Right, My MiL's Dogs Do This All the Time
I definitely tolerate a lot of SS's shenanigans due to feeling bad. I'm hoping with all the love I give and with time, he'll grow out of it. It hasn't (it's been a few years) and my patience is wearing thin. Thanks for the response!
"I feel so smothered". Holy
"I feel so smothered". Holy hell, I bet you do!
Weird your dh doesn't see it too? Maybe not... a lot of bios seem to be blind to various behaviors.
This would drive me nuts and I don't think I could stop myself from putting boundries in place. Did this start when you had your baby? Maybe he is feeling like he is going to be "replaced"?
DH Is Blinded By Bio-Connection
I have the same thing with my son. He's a perfect angel, even when he's climbing on top of his big bro and trying to rip his eyelids off. I kid. But I totally get it that we see our children through rose-colored glasses, and DH has been trying to be more open-minded about my criticisms.
He definitely started when I had the baby. He has even broken down, ugly crying, claiming we love DS more than him (more than once). We've had countless talks to him about how this is not true and we love them both equally, always and forever. We've tried tender love and tough love. I am constantly reassuring him with love and telling him how special he is to me. It's like he doesn't get it or won't get the mindset out of his head?
Thank you for your response!
I am guessing your SS is
I am guessing your SS is feeling replaced!! He is wanting reassurance that you have not stopped loving him!! We went through this with my oldest daughter that my husband adopted when we had our youngest. There is a 10 year age gap and my daughter was very clingy in her mind she thought I wouldn’t love her because I had a new daughter to love!! My suggestion would be to talk to him let him know your love for him can’t be replaced and maybe set up some time each day or a special day where it’s just you two to hang out!! As a step child myself that is the one thing you want is to know that they love you the same as their biological kids!!
I Definitely Love That Kid to Pieces
Check out my response above to SteppedOut about SS feeling "replaced". When the baby was born, we included him as much as possible so he would not feel jealous/insecure/replaced. We've had some special days where it just us, and we always have a great time. Countless talks about how his fears are not real and we love him tremendously. I make him his favorite meals, take him to new restaurants or dessert places that I'd think he'll like, constantly keep up with his interests, tell him he's an awesome dude and how lucky I am to have him in my life, etc. However, nothing seems to be resolving whatever underlying issue is causing him to act this way, and it's been years. At this point, I'm basically waiting it out until he's a teenager and "too cool" to be affectionate :(
You feeling guilty and giving
You feeling guilty and giving in just facilitates the behavior. So... set the boundaries, enforce the boundaries and address the behaviors when he deviates from the boundaries.
Don't let emotion interfere. Just enforce the boundaries.
When I get emotional when dealing with behavioral issues, I become less effective in addressing those issues.
It works for me.
Good luck.
Hooray for Boundaries!
Thank you. It's totally working and I feel sane again.
Hubby gave him a talk about his clingyness and we both started establishing boundaries with him. The other day, I actually ASKED for a hug because he no longer hugs me every 5-10 minutes, and I totally wanted one in that moment! He even told me he was pleasantly surprised that I asked for a hug, and I told him now that he's not constantly on top of me, I actually get a chance to ask! Feels good doesn't it? He says yes. I agree.
WIN!