Help! Young Step-Children and Technology
Hello, everyone! I'm looking for advice concerning my step-children's BF. He has given them their own iphones, and their BM and I feel that it isn't appropriate for such young children--ages 9 and 6-- to have their own devices with access to the Internet and other applications. While I am okay with certain games and am aware that the Internet can be incredibly useful as a learning tool, I believe that adult supervision is key. The BF is known to have let them watch movies, shows, and videos as well as let them play online games that are not age appropriate as per the suggested parental guidance. They have come back home to show us things that they saw at their BF's house such as YouTube videos that contain profanity, sexual language, and violence. The children, particularly my 6-year-old SS, have acted out as a result of the influence of the things they have seen and played that they shouldn't have. Unfortunately, we don't have access to their phones because they are kept the the BF's house. My SD brought her phone home with her by mistake. Upon inspection of it, there were no parental controls set up at all. She has full access to anything and everything. The BM and I suffer the consequences of his poor parenting choices because we have custody of them 6-7 days of the week, and talking to the BF is pointless. We don't want them to have these iphones, but we don't want the children to resent us because we have more rules and guidelines, even though they are truly necessary. It's difficult being a SP and BM when the BF undermines us purposefully and has more of a "best buddy" relationship with his children than a father-child one. Parental guidance and parental controls exist for a reason. How do we keep healthy, positive boundaries at home when the BF undermines us and causes us to suffer the consequences? They should see their father, and they should have fun, but the disregard for boundaries leave us at an impasse, and the kids resent us for "not letting them have fun" because we abide by age-appropriate guidelines and have them take part in family chores?
I find your response highly
I find your response highly insensitive and offensive. First of all, there is nothing "stupid" about wanting the very best for my kids and reaching out for the insight of other parents for help on an issue that damages our family on a daily basis. Our children are not ready for the influence the BF has on them, and the actions of our kids reflect that. His behavior significantly affects their behavior at home, at school, and with peers, and that is a serious problem that we, as the full-time parents, have to deal with every single day. Contrary to your belief, the things that happen in my kids life ARE my business, biological children or not. I attend EVERY game and practice they have; I haven't missed a parent-teacher conference yet; I am the one helping with homework and reading fundamentals; I hold them when they are scared, take care of them when they are sick, and feed them when they are hungry. Nothing is more important to me than my children. Meanwhile, BF manages to squeeze in 10 hours per week for them while he hangs out with his buddies. NOBODY but the BM can tell me that what happens in our kid's lives is not my business. Second, one of the reasons that there is a step-parent forum is because, obviously, the two original parents didn't work out so well. I'm sure there are many people on here who genuinely thought they were making a good decision to become a parent with their ex, then life taught them their error, but rewarded them with the beautiful, sacred consequence that is a child. While we can't change the past, we can work towards a better future. It is difficult and sometimes downright terrifying when anything threatens the present and future choices of our kids, even if that threat is the influence of a biological parent who chooses not to deal with the consequences of his poor parenting choices. I joined this forum for help and support, not to be called an idiot for attempting to gain the perspectives of other parents in the best interest of my children. If you don't have anything nice to say, especially when you don't know a particular situation, please don't say anything at all.
You don't get to control what
You don't get to control what goes on in dad's home.
But you do have a say in what happens in your house. Have strict consequences in placd5for when the kids act out. Stick to them and the kids will learn what goes on at dad's house, isn't allowed at mom's.
Holding the kids accountable for their behavior, is easier than dictating how dad parents.
We allow SS7 to have an old
We allow SS7 to have an old iPhone that functions more like an iPod. I know that he has much much more free range with electronics at his BMs because he knows how to YouTube and it's crazy to me. I can't control what he does when he is with her but when he is here I always remind him he cannot be on you tube without adult supervision and he needs to be careful when he is browsing videos because things can get bad quickly. I just hope that what he learns here is in the back of his head at his moms and that's all you can do. Good luck.
Thank you so much for your
Thank you so much for your kind and helpful response. I've only been a parental figure for 5 months, so all of this is still very new to me, and I want to make sure I am doing the right thing. YouTube terrifies me as well. It's astonishing to me what the BF is allowing them to see, and then the BM and I bear the consequences of his lack of guidance. He doesn't teach them the dangers of Youtube, for example. We also try to teach our children about making good choices, but when it comes to the Internet and games, their father's influence of "fun" seems to overpower the strong foundation we are trying to build for them. Because my friends are not parents, I didn't know who/where else to turn to, so I came here. Again, thank you for your kind support.