Am I in the wrong?
I'm new to all of this. Both Parenting and step parenting I mean. I met my partner in July 2018. 6 weeks later I was stood on the door step of his ex wife (my request in respect of her) introducing myself so that she knew who her child would be spending time with. Typical he hates her she hates him, hes the worst, shes the worst stories which I was expecting to be honest. Im not going to lie, I see her side and his side equally. Im weirdly in agreement and not in agreement with them both. I have no animosity towards her, she just parents differently to my partner and I respect that. Anyway, I need help.....9 months later the anxiety I suffered for so long with and faught to control is back with avengance and I dont know what to do.
When I first met my partners son, it went okay. We had fun and got on well, him being 4 just about to turn 5 at the time. At first, I threw myself into being a "good step mum" becasue I love his dad. I did his school uniform wash, would buy food to make sure what he liked was in the house (his Dad never had time to make it the shops because of work) and would do all the cooking, washing, tidying, etc so that my partner could have as much time as possible with his son while he had him. I did all this without a thank you and I was fine with that becasue at 5 not many kids will say thank you to a new person will they. Things where fine, he would go to bed in his own bed at night and i'd be happy only having quality time once he went to bed as we could have adult conversations without interuption. But then things changed.
He origionlly had him every weekend but once he started school it went to EOWE and out for dinner on a wednesday (this was after a lot of arguments and name calling). Then this now 5 year old went from being quite okay to a spoilt child within a few weeks. I kept my mouth shut at first about the fact they would let him get away with everything and anything as his behaviour was ok(ish) but then it went from okayish to not and my feelings towards him started to come to light. I think he is spoilt and doesnt behave the way a "good boy" should. They buy him a toy every time they have his sometimes every day they have him. We are talkin 2 toys a weekend. His nutrition was shocking when with this side of the family too but I figured and have been told that they know this and its all because of feeling guilty but hes a "good boy" so its okay letting him have all the choclate and sweets and no proper food other then pizza and nuggets and diet coke aparently (ive voiced my opinion on this and it got ignored so I no longer say anything I just walk away).....anyway.....Things changed and now we have a whole heap of problems I am scared will never go away and I am wondering if I am being stupid and unreasonable feeling like I am not bonding with the child and dreading when he comes over.
The problems that have arised are:
-I think he is spoilt (is this bad?). They do not look after his nutritional health which shows in his behaviour and they buy his what ever he asks for. You know when hes had a good day of eating or given boundries and a bad day by his attitude and manner.
- He says he wants me and his son to be affectionate towards each other (I'd rather have the childs respect than affection at the moment) so when we arent hugging or being pals he immediatly says "youre always like this when he comes" and by like this he means quiet/stand offish. Which is far from the truth, sometimes I am just quiet because something else has got to me like work.
-He want us to do everyting together all the time. I liturally follow them around with my laptop like a lost dog and once we are where they want to be I either sit on my own because Im not wanted or being shouted at because I am not including myself when why should I include myself when its clear i may as well not be there. I even made a promise to prove to my partner I wanted to make an effort, that on the days I am not working when we have him I will make sure I spend quality time with him but as soon as I choose to spend the night in another room its "youre always like this".
- He has accused me of planning work around when we have him which is totally the oposite it just turned out that way some times becasue his mum keeps changing dates on him.
- The child wont sleep in his own bed on his own anymore so I never see my partner at night when we have him. Yet he sleeps in his own bed at his mums fine.
- Whenever we do get a second in the kitchen to talk he comes in shouting Daddy Daddy where are you? )We live in a two bed terrace and he wil lhave been told im just going the kitchen) but then has nothing to say he just wont let us talk on our own. After a while I give up trying to talk to my partner which then makes him think I am in a mood with him when I am not I just cant get a word in edgeways without being interupted (bad manners on his sons part as Dad never says "Dont interupt" Or "One second we are just talking."
- The child wont leave his dads side, liturally sitting outside the toilet while his dad is on it and visa versa. Making my partner stand out side the door while hes on the loo. Hes 5 nealy 6 now and my partner still wipes his bum for him which I am sure his mum doesnt do anymore. Is this normal? Am I wrong in thinking he should be wiping his own bum?
- I never get considered in plans but then when I arrange work I am the one who isnt consederate (see above).
I play football, police, get shot at with nerf guns, colour, play rugby, watch Paw patrol with him....I spend time with him but I just cant seem to stop the dread creeping in when I know hes coming and feeling frustrated that I cant even sleep next to my partner after we have been in work all week and not had time together as it is.
Will this go away? Will it stop? Will we bond and will I find tollerance for him just being a normal child? Am I a mean person? I thought Id be a great step parent but right now I am failing or feel I am. Should I try "disengaging" a little bit or am I not trying hard enough?
I love my partner an dont want to loose him all becasue I dont agree with parenting style, the manners of his son or the fact I cant go 10 days in the month without having proper interaction with my partner for more than an few mins or if Im lucky an hour or two.
So sorry for the rable/vent. Im not even sure if it makes sence but I needed to get whats on my mind out before it pops. Thanks.
You serve yourself up on the
You serve yourself up on the alter of Sparental Martyrdom to demonstrate respect for the BM. Why exactly? She has done nothing to earn your respect. She spawned with your boyfriend. So what? In all liklihood so could any number of other women. It just so happend that she is the one that squeezed out a kid.
Quit giving BM a thought other than to force her to keep her crap out of your relationship and the family you are in the process of making with her X.
Now for your SO and the ill behaved SS-5. Keep in mind that this kid is a product of his father's crappy parenting as much as he is the product of his mother's crappy parenting.
Is a partner that is failing this egregiously as a parent really someone you want to make a life with? Is a parther that demonstrates so clearly that you are not his priority someone you wan to make a life with?
IMHO the key to successful blended family relationships is that they must be between equity life partners that put each othe rand the relationshp before all else. The relationship is their sole top priority. Children are the top relationship responsibility but never the top priority. As equity life partners you are also equity parents to any children in your relationship/home regardless of kid biology.
If this relationship is to remain viable you will have to step up, give your SO clarity, keep BM in her place, and establish reasonable standards of behavior in your home that the Skid will be held to in an age appropriate manner.
Your SO obviously can't parent and discipline effectively, can't keep his X under control ... so you will have to do it. If he does not like how you parent and disciplne he can bite his tongue, have your back or... step up and get it done before you have to.
The most disturbing thing about your post as far as I am concerned is how your SO does not make you a priority and you are expected to be at the beck and call of him, his XW and their child.
Not a relationship that I would tolerate if I were you.
Move on.
Take care of you.
Leave this failed parent, inadequate partner, his X and their magic spawn to figure this all out while you move on with your life.
Yes you are in the wrong
For not expecting more for yourself In this relationship, and for staying with a selfish man. The child is entirely his responsibility, not yours. You are allowing this man to treat you like a nanny and maid. Not an equal adult partner.
His ex didn’t leave because of the kid. She left because this man is a selfish jerk.
So, yes. You are wrong for putting up with this. You deserve better. No one should ever guilt you because you aren’t doing enough for their child. They should be graciously thanking you any time you help out and certainly not expecting you to do their job for them.
DTMF as Dan Savage likes to say.
Sounds to me like your SO
Sounds to me like your SO sees you as more of a nanny than girlfriend. He directs you as if you are his employee - you aren't doing enough, you always act this way, you aren't helping, etc. He arranges plans without asking you if you are OK with it and just assumes you will do your "job" (watch his son).
Not one bit of what you are doing is your responsibility as a stepparent. He is 100% responsible for his kid. Now, you may CHOOSE to help if you want to, but you aren't obligated. He's not your boss and you aren't his employee.
The problem is, he says to jump, and you ask how high. You don't stand up to him, and you keep trying to meet his impossible expectations.
And to boot, he's a lousy parent.
You have to assert your needs - you will find out then if you are his partner or his nanny.
This has really made me think
This has really made me think.
I think I need to assess myself don’t I.
Thank you
So he wants you to put his
So he wants you to put his kid up on a pedestal and worship him and revolve your life around him. Sounds familiar. That's how my SD was treated and DH at first didnt understand why I couldn't be mommy to his kid exactly the same as mine. He did start to get it after awhile. You definitely need to flat out tell him what you think and feel and that his kid is not your responsibility. Read up on some of the disengaging posts on here, theres a lot of good info.
Honestly, yes. You’re right,
Honestly, yes. You’re right, he does. My partner and the ILs tell him he’s a good boy for doing what is basic human behaviour but when he’s having mini tantrums like he has been having today they (IMHO) handle it poorly. I swear they would praise him for wiping his own arse (if he would bother to do it.) Today I did my first bit Of disengaging. I walked away when he had mini tantrums and responded with “ask your dad” when he asked me for sweets, toys etc knowing I knew his dad already said no multiple times. I didn’t “stop caring” but I made myself switch off. I did fall back into my own bad behaviour for a little bit but checking this message board snapped me back out again. I’ve read a few blog posts on blended family frappe and think I have a better understanding of where I’m going wrong and what I need to do to try and make this work for all of us. Fingers crossed
Took myself to bed at 9pm
Took myself to bed at 9pm because I think I’m coming down something. Get a bit sketchy all day. Soon as I mentioned I was feeling a bit rough SS decided he was ill too putting on a cricket voice.....obviously he’s fine.
SS5 and partner are still up watching cartoons downstairs (May be asleep on the sofa tho) and it’s now 10:20pm. I’d normally go and give them a nudge and mention it’s very late and it will affect SS tomorrow but I keep saying in my head “not my monkey, not my circus”.
Thing is tho.....Isnt this the time that Partner should have had SS5 I’m bed asleep and should now be spending time with me after I’ve taught a class for him at his work, played football this afternoon with SS and then spent £25 going the zoo for an hour just to stop SS from climbing the walls? (He said “you don’t have to come” in a way I knew it would come back against me after the weekend if I wasn’t careful).
He wonders why I’ve been quiet tonight (again) and now I’m starting to realise that I may as well not be here when SS is here even if he does tell me otherwise. Whether I’m in their presence or not I’m on my own. What you have all said today is starting to resonate with me even deeper now.
You have him EOWE.
How bad can that be. Someone who spends four days a month with a SK. Can’t really be that involved in there life. Not enough to time. your SO has very little time with his child and keys him get away with a lot stuff. That is life. Just be happy you don’t have him 50/50. Or all the time.
OMG did you even read her
OMG did you even read her posts? Hundreds of stepmoms endure HELL during those 4 -6 days, plus holidays, and vacations month after month. What a way to invalidate this poor woman who is clearly being abused and taken advantage of horribly. Why on earth are you even HERE? Your post is as ridiculous as your opinion. Do you invalidate all peoples feelings in your own circle this way? Someone has to be quite an evil person to be this way.
Women really need to respect
We Women really need to respect oursrlves more
It’s again typical situation in steptalk.
Men don’t want to date properly, they want to stay where they are at (or move into a woman’s house) and get a girlfriend who’d cook and clean and babysit. And they do it all fast because they don’t want to date, they want a maid
If a woman stays in her own place she’d never see a guy because he’d never go and pick her up for a date. Why don’t you go stay in your own place and see how often he comes to ask you on a date. I suspect never. He’d rather find a new babysitter and a housekeeper.
In addition to it these men manage to turn women into housekeepers and nannies without even marrying or at least being engaged to. Unbelievable.
You owe nothing to this kid or his father. You aren’t a maid.
Just run
I wouldn’t fuck this dude with someone else’s vagina. Shitty parents aren’t people you want to be with or be around, especially as a partner. You don’t want a kid with that mess of a man. He’s a grown-ass adult and can’t handle life. Run. Far, far away.
And give it a hell of a lot longer to figure someone and your relationship out before you meet his kids. Or, better yet: avoid people with kids altogether. Makes life easier.
I read a lot about what "He
I read a lot about what "He wants." It sounds like HE WANTS you to be the unpaid mommy/nanny for him since "he doesn't have time" to properly parent his kid. What do you want or does that even matter?
My advice would be to pick
My advice would be to pick your battles. Pick the top 3 things that grate you the most and sit your oh down and calmly explain them. His response should tell you alot. Everything you've mentioned is perfectly reasonable, to me the having him sleep in your bed - no way! That's yours and oh's bed!
Not wiping his own bum- yes he should be doing it himself, what does he do at school when he goes, ask the teacher?! Obviously not, he can do it himself. BUT that's not something that directly affects you....let it go and focus on the things that directly affect you and bring them up to oh.
I left my oh a few months ago for the disney daddying he did, it's exhausting to watch and try to fit in with. If your oh doesn't want to try and make things easier for you I think you have your answer.
Sounds familiar
my SS was diagnosed with separation anxiety about 8-9 years after I came along when he was 5. Whenever daddy wasn’t close he’d be looking for him.
He needs his daddy. He’s 5.
As for both parents spoiling him, it’s like each are trying to keep their connection with him (perhaps to the point of being the better parent). They need to realize the boy needs consistent parenting and discipline. I tried to help out with parenting only end up being the bad guy to the kid - the parent with rules. Tough on dad to enforce rules if the mother doesn’t
you just need to be his friend. You are way too new to be involved too much. In a couple years if the relationship with the kid has developed you can do more parenting
I feel sorry for you.
I feel sorry for the kid. This guy is a class A jerk. Dragging you over to the ex's 6 weeks into the relationship??? Is he crazy?
Everyone should have the right to have their body respected. No one touches unless you want it. That applies to kids and adults.