Does it get easier?
I want to be "the one" for my OH. Up until recently I genuinly thought I was. We both did, but recently when we are together on our own we are happy but as soon a SS comes home we just dont seem to be. I love my OH with all my heart but I just cannot find it in me to "love" and feel affection for his 6yo son when its clear that he doesnt for me either.
I will be honest. I finished work tonight and sat in my car for 15 min because the thought of coming home gave me anxiety. I suffer from it as it is but lately the thought of knowing we have SS for half term, then a week while hes back at school and BM is away casues me to basically not want to come home becasue I dont want to see his behaviour.
Please tell me it gets easier to see your other half get walked over but at the same time not help themselves by not parenting properly. I watch this child be rude to my partner and his grandparents but then seconds later its like butter wouldnt melt. I see him play OH and GM off of each other all the time which causes them to fall out becasue they dont see what he is doing but I do. He interupts when adults are talking, you just cannot have a conversation because if OH or GP arent talking to him (even if hes watching the telly and not wanting to talk to them) but to me, he makes sure that changes quickly. Today we where having a serious talk about a job and he was saying "why are you talking? Why cant you talk about this tonight?", "stop talking now" pulling his dad away from me etc. Tonight when I got in from work I was stood in the doorway with a hot cup of tea in my hand talking to his dad and he pushed the door closed on me causing me to spil on myself. It hurt and was another mess I had to clean up. I liturally got home from a 12 hour day, did the clothes wash, did a quick tidy and just wanted 2 mins to talk about tomorrow and he wouldnt even let me do that. He wasnt told to apologise either which got to me more than it should. Anyway....he starts to shout what he is saying when you try and not engage with him when he is being rude, cries when he doesnt get his own way and gets bought toys, sweets and anything he wants all the time even after being told no and basically just behaving/being treated very spoilt and "praised" for doing what he should be doing to begin with.
Like I said I love my partner but I am starting to worry that my distant attitude towards his son is going to be cause of a big blow up. I am doing my best to be a "friend" to his son (I do everythig I can to ensure they make the most out of the little time they have together) because I can't be a parental figure to him, but to be a "friend" I must have to like him surely? I kind of liked him when we first met as he seemed like a lovely boy but now I see the real him and I find it hard to.
Will I learn to like him? Will I just get used to him? Will it get easier to accept that his Dad doesnt parent how I would? Will it be easier to let it go, step back and just watch this child take my partner on an emotional rollercoaster and not say a word about it at all knowing what could happen if i did?
Sorry. Ive had two days of up at 6am and not getting home until 9/10pm then having to do everything when I get back home because no one else will so my mind is running in overdrive along with the anxiety of knowing tomorrow I dont have work to run to to avoid basically not being wanted around by SS anyway.
fuck that. interfere stand
fuck that. interfere stand your ground stand up for yourself with him around or not. And if no one will listen refuse to stay in the house while he is over. Life is too short for that much bullshit.
"I want to be "the one" for
"I want to be "the one" for my OH."
But it sounds like he is not trying as hard as you.
Sometimes love is not enough.
How to parent veiws are very important in compatibility, because it essentially sets the "standards" for home life. Having to completely disengage from a member of a household does not make for a happy homelife.
Really consider if you want to continue to pursue this. Don't spend too much "life" trying to MAKE it work; it just shouldn't be a daily struggle. BE HAPPY.
It doesn’t get easier. I love
It doesn’t get easier. I love my DH like madly in love with him but our family dynamic just doesn’t work and most days I am in tears because everything is full of drama with exes and skids. As someone above said sometimes love isn’t enough.
the only time I feel at peace is when my dh and his skids aren’t here and it’s just me and my bio kids. this is no way to live.
I think you're doing a great
I think you're doing a great job at disengaging in a normal fashion....it doesn't have to be extreme. Sanfran...I have big issues with some of your suggestions-simply because it creates more tension-can be damaging to ANY person living in the house and leaves absolutely NO room for improving the relationship later in life. One can fully disengage w/out being cruel or ignoring people.
You said:
"Don’t ask about skid or how he’s doing" - Too extreme - I see nothing wrong with asking on ocassion-it's her guys son and he loves him and it's a part of his life-it's like asking 'hows your mom doing, how's your job, how's your friend Toby'- it shows interest in things that he cares/does. This approach actually hurts your relationship. I'm not saying ask daily but there should be common sense.
"dont ask skid to do anything " Mostly yes- unless it's something urgent or that for safety reasons has to be done- then you ask them like you would your childs friend coming to visit.
"dont clean up after him - looks like you’ve started doing that " 100 pct yes!
"don’t schedule your day around the family. Do your own thing. Focus on you" 100pct yes again.
"if they ask you if you want to go out with them act like it’s uninteresting and say no" Smart approach
you can leave out the acting uninterested because that is done w/the sole purpose of 'hurting' your partne and being passive agessive.
"if you have places to go that needs to include DH tell DH that it’s not for kids. Suggest he find another situation for skid. For us it means leave them at home since they are teenagers. So I say leave skids at home." This can work, yes.
"dont spend a dime on skid- you already started doing that." Smart and agree!
"tell DH you need to keep your food separate and that you will buy your own groceries" I see this a lot- honestly this isn't practical. If she's only their EOW then he can pick up any extras she may want /snacks/junk food but specifically singling out this is mine this is yours only comes across as petty and spiteful.
"only pay your portion of the bills. For you it sounds like 1/3." Mostly agree with this also, yes.
"no skid allowed in your room"
"skids isnt allowed to touch or borrow your things "
if skids act out, walk away and go read in your room" HELLZ YES to all those 3 things!!
"stop saying goodnight or hello to skid " 100pct disagree this is rude, dismissive and damaging and creates an incredibly hostile environment-that said if they refuse to answer you time after time that's different. IMO you talk to your partner that he ensure his kids ALWAYS say hello/bye to you as the other adult in the room because it teaches them respect-in turn you respect other humans and you DO say hello/goodnight like you would any other random kid that comes in. That is really bad advice to ignore-passive agressive and damaging to everyone. I disagree with that completely.
" if skid interrupts you, say directly to skid “please don’t interrupt me” ABSOLUTELY you are in your home and have every right to tell ANY kid and skids to stop interrupting you-that is not something you 'let your dh' handle' because it affects you. I have told my 5yr old niece to stop interrupting and let her dad and I finish talking- my brother is of the 'child rules the world' type which enfuriates me lol
"talk over skid." Yes, if they are trying to talk over you/interrupt, absolutely.
"ignore skid when he tries to interject" Yes, this is effective with ANY child lol-if saying wait until I'm done once doesn't do the trick? Ignore them, our parents did it to us. I did it with my bios too.
"buy no birthday gift for skid. At Christmas skid gets one shirt from jcpenny from the discount rack." Yes...unless you'e trying to keep some goodwill for future...if so then it's ok to get something for Christmas IF and only he's behaving and has improved with you.
"skid events early. Example dance recitals sports etc" No, rude, passive agressive again and damaging. The better idea is to NOT GO in the first place because you had some other plans. This lets you off the hook w/out showing the world what an asshole you are and gives no room for anyone to blame you.
"Do not talk to BM and avoid any interaction with her" YEP YEP YEP- it's hard to do sometimes when you want to tell them off lol
"act like you don’t have time for skid related nonsense " i guess depends on what the nonsense is-he has a kid so it's part of his life...she can find another relationship w/no kid (best idea in reality) but if you mean ignoring bad behavior, yes.
"If you have to buy food while out buy it for yourself none for skid and eat it in front of him." Again, rude, passive-agressive and hostile. I can see by the several nuggets you advised on here that you're disengagement is not done solely for your sanity but to HURT and PUNISH your DH and the SKIDS. Best you left the relationship to be honest then do shit on purpose that hurts to 'get even'-it's extremelly dysfunctional, damages and errodes your relationship and leaves little change of ever recovering having a relationship with skid.
"never I repeat never cook for skid" Again, disagree-if it happens to be you that's cooking for the day-include as you would any family member, guest or visitor. This is just plain stupid and petty and spiteful...you really need to work on some of this stuff. This is what makes us stepmoms 'evil'- becuase it is. That said-she could strongly suggest that skid weekends are his weekends to cook and you do rest of the week for example so that way she doesn't have to deal w/snooty asshole kid not liking her food, pouting, etc-because that is hurtful to any person cooking. That said, if I'm making a sandwich for my bios I would make an extra for her...or SO and I would divide and conquer and we'd both make dinner/sandwiches as a couple. I never hid/refused food, etc.
OP- you're doing well, this was long-but I seriously wanted to advice against some of this stuff because that isn't disengagemnt at all-that's an all out war...if it's that bad off you're better off apart then living in such a hostile negative environment where your home is a battlefield of bitterness, spitefullness, passive-agression...just NOT a good place for ANYONE in the home.