Useless BM hasn't taught SD anything!
So we funnily had SD here over Easter and it was great to spend time with her.
But there were a few issues.
Firstly we could see her mother's attitude everywhere, she liked to barge passed people everywhere cos she wanted to be first. We had to teach SD to let other people go ahead when she was walking and stuff like that; no big deal.
The final night is what pissed me off. SD came to me and said her 'mushi' hurt, thats what she calls her girlie bits. And i said, ok whats going on. My husband explains that his ex had said that SD gets a sore mushi and that we should use the cream she gave us to help. The cream is thrush cream. So I had to sit my SD6 down in the bathroom and ask her how she wipes her mushi when she's finished on the loo. And she's been wiping all over but mainly back to front. So I had to teach her to do it the other way, front to back.
I couldn't believe she didn't know that. And that her not knowing caused an infection that the cream won't fully fix, as it only gets rid of symptoms not the infection.
Then I said to SD to have a shower and properly wash off cos that will help too. So she got in and I was there to make sure she washed properly. And she thought water alone was ok. She said that's how her mummy does it. So I gave her some shower gel for kids, told her to put it on her hands like she was washing her hands but wash her body instead. I made sure I taught her to get EVERYWHERE as she had an infection.
We can't even take her to the doctors cos she lives 180 miles away.
I had to teach SD how to wash her hair as well. And how to use nail clippers. And the best way to brush her hair. And how long to brush her teeth for.
I am so disappointed in BM right now. And I can't even tell her any of this cos she won't believe me. She will say I'm making it all up.
SD felt much much better after the shower and now she's wiping properly she shouldn't keep getting infections.
She's only 6 and dealing with this shit.
Any advice?
Thanks for listening to me venting.
Um, that verges on medical
Um, that verges on medical neglect if BM is leaving this kid with untreated infections.
I don't have a strong opinion on the kid names for private parts. An investigator can tell what they are referring to in a case of sexual abuse, they just make sure they establish what the child calls those parts. Most kids (most adults) use slang for genitals.
Usually they end up not ever
Usually they end up not ever having to either, because someone else always ends up stepping in and doing their job for them. For example, SD learned how to tie her shoes from the shoe salesperson when she finally outgrew all the options for velcro shoes.
Yeah, my SDs were 7 and 9
Yeah, my SDs were 7 and 9 when I met DH. They didn't know anything about personal hygiene at all.
DH would just let them talke a bath once a week and they'd just play in the water. No soap, no washing, no brushing teeth. I don't think they even had toothbrushes.
I bought toothbrushes and TODDLER toothpaste (which OSD then told BM about and BM went and got the same kind). Soap and shampoo they liked (they picked them out) and how to use a washcloth. Neither one wanted to touch their own body (I did NOT stay for anything but the shampooing and face washing). I still don't think YSD actually washes or uses much shampoo but she sure goes through conditioner like crazy.
I blamed both DH and BM - NEITHER were doing anything. NEITHER OF THE PARENTS. Then all hell broke loose when OSD was 10 and she hated me, stopped doing anything and DH backed HER up, so then I just stopped.
You cannot care more than the parents. If your SD is ok with it and DH backs you up then continue. Any noises about how you shouldn't be doing it, or it's not your place, or SD is too tired or whatever, be done with it.
Sometimes all the dysfunction
Sometimes all the dysfunction causes them to be "uncoachable". At that point, it's probably best to step back.
That's sad, and not typical
That's sad, and not typical for most people, but for this board, it is. Worthless bioparents, ridiculous issues between exes....it's how we ended up posting here. Frantically Googling to see if anyone, anywhere, has dealt with the same issues because you've never known anyone so dysfunctional in your real life and you can't believe people can exist this way!
Your SD is lucky to have you there to teach her these basic hygiene tasks. You are making a positive difference in her life, and whether or not anyone in your real life gives you credit, you know it, and we know it!
My eldest sd is 26 now and can’t even cook anything
Despite coming from a culture of renowned cooks and being domesticated at that age is seen as prime marriage material. Sd15 and ss22.5 fare no better. Bio mum was and still is a useless person who should have been made to have a forcible hysterectomy to prevent her dysfunction populating the world.
my 3 & 5 yr old are really into hygiene and their teachers have encouraged it at school. This is just basic stuff that sadly alot of these high conflict narcissistic mums refuse to teach
Sadly this type of thing is
Sadly this type of thing is not unusual for CODs or kids who live life under a Custody/Visitation/Support CO. Particularly when one side of the blended family equation or the other is populated by a gene pool of pure idiocy.
My SS-28 was no exception when he was a toddler. He was always such a happy, clean, and well behaved little boy ... until he would go to SpermLand for visitation. His mom and I provided and cared for him as any responsible parent would... and should. His visitation schedule was long distance so his real life at home with us was stable and healthy while the 5wks summer, 1wk winter, and 1wk spring he would spend in SpermLand were detrimental to his health, hygiene, and behavior.
He would leave communicative, happy, energetic, etc... He would come home with BO like a ceptic worker, in a sogging wet loaded diaper that likely had not been changed for a day or two, with black sludge in his arm pits, insides of his elbows, behind his knees, and around his waist where his waistband would sit. He would have diaper rash and butt rott so bad his anus would bleed when we cleaned him up and his ass was covered in puss filled welts. While he could have pretty much complete conversations with us before he left, he would come home grunting, pointing, and pitching fits rather than speaking. For example, before he left it was "Mom/Daddy, milk please." He would come home not speaking and would point and toss a tantrum until he got what he wanted. Since we did not respond to that crap, he learned in a hurry to "use his words" because that is the message he got when he tried the SpermLand crap once he returned home.
Sadly Judges for some reason seem to find that these types of people should have visitation and force kids to interface with people who had no business breeding the first place... for multiple generations.
In our case, we had to battle the shallow and polluted end of my SS's gene pool for the 16+ years we lived under the Custody/Visitation/Support CO that forced him into their sphere of inluence.
It was infuriating.
We messaged BM about it
We spoke to BM and she came back with a load of bull about how she doesn't get involved with our lives. It's like, bitch, we're looking it for SD cos she's got an infection and we are helping her and you're being a petty dick about it? FFS really? We're making sure SD gets better and you're being pathetic. Grow up. Grrr
I can relate! The bm to sd8
I can relate! The bm to sd8 hasn't taught her any kind of hygiene. I have been w her since birth and had to teach wiping, hair brushing, tooth brushing, and how to dress. My dh has taught her some things but his hygiene, frankly, could use work too, so I don't entirely trust his teaching!